My world is busy, but for me to be functioning it requires a minimum of sleep.  In a perfect world I would have 8-9 hours of sleep during my preferred time of midnight – 9am.  Ha.  Yeah, I have kids and I work so we KNOW that doesn’t happen.  Most of the time I function pretty well on 6 hrs, so long as it is regular.

When I face sleeping challenges however, it is that much harder to make good choices.  E2 has been cutting some molars this week.  In the last three nights I’ve gotten about 10 hrs of sleep.  Brutal.

It is hard to stay on track when I am tired.  I haven’t done my PT exercises in days, when I finally get the baby to sleep in her crib then I just head to bed.  The family is tired and cranky and we are in survival mode.  I have kept up on tracking which is good and can still make it a good week even though I’ve eaten more of my weekly points than I wanted.  It requires a lot of work to stay focused and when I am tired it is hard to even complete my sentences.

This is just part of the season of life I am in, and while I am tired I don’t want this to sound like a full complaint.  Honestly I still kind of relish the snuggles I get when I am able to comfort E2, but I wish it wasn’t mostly from Midnight – 6am.

This is one of those instances where the fine line between excuse and reason comes in.  Is my lack of sleep the reason for skipping my PT exercises or an excuse I am using to get to skip them (they are not fun after all).  I think honestly it might be both, though I follow a rule of thumb when faced with choices:

Am I making the smartest choice for a healthy me right now?

At 2am the healthiest choice is sleep.  But I could find time to do them while the kids are still up or after she goes down the first time before she gets up.  Procrastination when she is asleep is a thing too, though it is hard to prioritize well when I just want to rest.

Speaking of rest, I am going to wrap this up, eat a healthy dinner, hopefully get my kids to bed and do my PT.  Then sleep!  (Please pray for a good night.  We could sure use it going into Monday!)

Weigh in Week 43

No surprises here.  I had a gain this week, but all things considered not a bad one.

+2.0 Pounds

90.6 lbs Lost on WW to date

Yes, two pounds is disappointing but there are a lot of bright spots in this gain.

  1. It was ONLY two pounds.  With great weight loss comes the potential for great weight gain.  That it is only 2 lbs shows me that my efforts to regroup were partially successful.
  2. I tracked it even on my worst eating days this week.   There have been times when slipping up means not tracking and having a free-for-all for days, instead I kept tracking despite my eating.
  3. I ended the week strong and in control.  Tuesday I stayed in my daily points and I kept an eye on things.  I was back on track BEFORE my weigh in rather than giving up on the week and waiting to start over.

Any of these alone is a NSV, the fact that all three are true is an indicator of how far I’ve come.  The other thing that I should point out is a lack of shame.  I tend to look at guilt and shame as different things.  I can feel guilty for something I have done.  Guilt is an emotion tied to my actions.  Shame on the other hand seems to be tied to my person.  Guilt can help me notice and change my behavior for the future, shame is just a form of self-hate more detrimental than helpful to me.

There have been times when failure leads me to be shamed, i.e. I am somehow not a good person because I failed.  That seems to be a type of thinking that is fading away for me.  Sure, it rears its ugly head from time to time, but mostly I know it is a lie.  I have worth, no matter my weight or my successes or failures.

So I had a gain this week.  It happened, I caused it.  Now I will remedy it.  Here is to having a great week this week!

Learning to Walk

About 2-3 weeks ago, E2 went from taking the occasional step and still relying on crawling to walking 99% of the time.  I was actually present when the switch flipped in her brain and she was off.  But, walking was still a skill she was learning so she still falls down a lot.  During the first day after her walking enlightenment she fell down every 5-6 steps.  A few days later it was every 8-10 steps.  Now, it still happens but it is occasionally and most often when she is confronted with some specific obstacle (going from wood to carpet for example).

She has improved over time and falls down less and less.

The risk of injury is roughly the same for her in a fall.  Most of the time she lands on her diaper-padded bottom, occasionally she hits something else (like her head).  What has changed however is the frequency of her falls.  She falls less often, and therefore gets hurt less often too.  As she masters walking she pushes herself faster and farther.  Occasionally this backfires, but each day she can do a bit more.

I am sure you have heard that the best way to make long term changes is “baby steps.”  I think the traditional meaning of this phrase is to take small, easy changes at first and start to add more and more as you master them.  Watching E2 learn to walk however I am thinking of baby steps in a whole new way.

  • Baby steps are flinging yourself into something new and potentially scary.  They require a leap of faith and an act of bravery.
  • Baby steps come with risks, but also the enable you to reach your goals.
  • Baby steps will include many falls.  Sometimes you might cry, but ultimately it is you who have to pick yourself up and try again.  (Yes, technically I pick her up sometimes too, but you get the point).
  • Success is measured both by the distance you cross, but also in your perseverance to keep getting up and trying again.
  • Baby steps are uncertain and first, but get more confident the more you practice.  As you improve your trust in yourself grows.
  • Every step counts.
  • You can still fall down even when your skills have improved.
  • You might not walk in a straight line, it takes redirection sometimes.
  • In the end your determination to reach your goal is what matters most.  You decide if you reach it.

Wow.  Baby steps are NOT tiny insignificant changes.  They are HUGE to the person making them.  E2′s steps may seem small to us, since we’ve mastered walking already, but they are a big deal to her.   Sometimes we make walk with someone holding our hand for a little ways.  They can help keep us steady, but in the end, it comes down to our own steps.  There comes a point when you have to let go and start to walk for yourself.

It was a week with some falls for me, but I’ve gotten back up.  To FOUGHT the fight today against food and a bad attitude, and I’ve come to this evening in a good place.  I even have a few daily points left.  I am certain tomorrow will show a gain, and I may shed a few tears over that, but I will continue to get up.

E2 has reminded me that every little step is progress, especially when you get up and keep on trying.

The struggle bus correlation

Friday was E2′s birthday and we had a great time celebrating with family this weekend, but like all extended celebrations there was a bit *too* much celebrating on my part and I am feeling a bit like I’ve been hit by the struggle bus today.  Since Friday I have had too much to eat admittedly.  I have tracked it but the way I really know I am struggling is that I have to fight with myself internally to track it.  It seems almost silly that I have this internal struggle since no one really sees my Weight Watchers points each day but me, but tracking is part of me being transparent to myself.  I always know that I am in the danger zone when I start telling myself to “just don’t track today, you can track again tomorrow…”



The point is that it is the temptation to stop tracking that is my biggest indicator that I am on the verge of losing control.  Yes, I have eaten badly (-46 weeklies right now – see not good), but so far I have tracked it, and as long as I am tracking it I am still in ultimate control of being able to change it.  It is a metaphoric line in the sand.  As long as I am tracking I am still thinking about what I am eating, even if it is after the fact.

And if I am thinking about what I am eating then I can also think about the WHY that goes with it.  It is always complicated but there are a few patterns I am noticing as I contemplate the last few days.

1. I should not eat bread with meals – it leads to bread and butter which eats up points.  This happened twice this weekend – Friday while out and Saturday at the party (cornbread with the chili we served).  I don’t really crave bread until I have had some and then I have a really hard time stopping if it is still in front of me.  Solution:  Don’t start on bread.

2. I “stress” eat more after an event when I am starting to relax from the stress.  Leading up to an event I often don’t eat much because I am running around over-thinking everything that needs doing, but during and afterwards I am at risk of finding myself face first in food.  Solution:  Make sure I fuel myself well in pre-event stress and do my best to remove temptations afterwards.

3. Being tired puts me at risk of eating mindlessly. The more I have going on (and the less E2 sleeps – like last night), the more I have a hard time paying attention to food BEFORE I eat it.  Solution: Get more sleep?  hahaha, I wish.  How about track food before I eat it?

4. I often have a gain after meeting a big weight loss mile stone.  I wonder the most about this correlation.  Is it because I feel awkward “bragging” about my successes?  Is it because I worry about how I will be seen as a smaller person when I know what it is like to be fat so well?  Is it losing some armor from the world and putting myself out there?  Is it just that I think “I’ve got this” and relax too much.  I am not sure, more thought will be needed on this pattern.  Solution….?

So on a Monday night I am feeling a bit down about my eating the last few days, but I am not out.  There is so much more progress to be made, both on the scale and in my head and heart, and I am far enough along on this journey to know that a few bad days don’t indicate my overall success.

I’ll do what I always do – regroup, refocus, redeem.  After all, what would giving up accomplish?  Nada. Zip. Zilch.  So, onward.  Allons-y.

 Your geek bonus point question:  How many geek references are there in this post?  LOL