Slow progress is still progress, right?

It’s been 4 weeks since I wrote a post admitting what has become my reality, that I had allowed my weight to creep back up to 216lbs. I wrote that post and hit publish. In the days after I published that post, I had good intentions. Day after after day continued to start with good intentions. But despite those good intentions, I caved to excuse after excuse.

And then I got back our family photos. As I took a good hard look in the mirror, I realized I can’t do this to myself. I cannot allow myself to be unhealthy. For the sake of my family, and for my own sake, I need to be healthy. I don’t care about the size of my clothes, I am not trying to be skinny. But healthy.

I’m still waking up with good intentions. But when those excuses come up, when a coworker offers cheesecake, or when I have the choice to eat greasy pizza, I fight hard to make a healthier choice. Slowly building back up strength to not give into the excuses. I am still struggling to make it to the gym (okay, let’s be honest, I haven’t gone back since I woke up that one time at 4:30am) but I have been focusing a lot on my eating. And slowly…. very slowly, the scale is responding.

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That’s a 4lb loss. And I’ll take it. Especially given the fact that there were two weekends where we had visitors in from Minneapolis. This past weekend, my friend Cindy came to visit. On Saturday, we went on a boat cruise along the Milwaukee River into the bay of Lake Michigan with another friend here in Milwaukee. It was cold but interesting to hear about the historical side of Milwaukee. unnamed

Work is crazy hectic. And I’m pretty sure now that I’m a mom, life at home is not going to get any less hectic. So my goal will be to continue to figure out how to make progress, as slow as that progress may be.Jen-white-1-300x106

Ruining family photos.

Last month, we went back to Minneapolis for a weekend visit. I miss my sisters so much. For being only 5ish hours away, it feels like oceans.

While we were there, we were able to get a last minute photography session for family pictures with the photographer that did our wedding. We went to a fairly urban part of Minneapolis and I was excited for how they would turn out.

Flash forward to last week.

I got the link for the photos, typed in the password and began to scroll through each picture one by one. And as I scrolled to the pictures my heart sank deeper and deeper. As I looked at myself in each of the pictures, I realized the true depths of what I have done to myself over the past couple of years.

For as much as I had thought that nobody noticed. 
That it didn’t look that bad. 
That you couldn’t really tell. 
That I was hiding it well. 
That people weren’t noticing.
That it was just a little bit of weight.

All I could think about is how I ruined the pictures. I ruined the family photos – our first ever and they are ruined. Francisco looks so amazing, Carlos looks handsome and then there is me. Back to what I was. No longer what I had worked so hard to achieve.

Reality.

For as much as I have been “trying” this last month, trying but failing. Every day waking up with good intentions. And then something happens followed by a series of poor health decisions. I decide to skip the gym. I decide to give in to one more serving. I decide to give in to the temptation of foods I know are unhealthy. Good intentions mean nothing when I don’t follow through with them. Trying means nothing when there are no results that are followed up with it. I can come up with all the excuses I want but it doesn’t matter when it just leads to covering up the reality that has become.

I can blog all I want, read all the positive you can do it comments and all the supportive feedback but none of it matters if it goes nowhere.

None of this matters if I just continue to allow myself to live in denial.

Until I see the pictures. Me starting at myself, the truth right in front of my eyes. How easy it is to quickly close the website and go back to pretending. How easy it is to quickly close the window and go back to hiding. How easy it is to not share the pictures with anyone. After all, if I don’t share the pictures, then no one will know. That’s how this works, right?

Then I can just come here and whine whine whine.

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Sweating at 4:30am

Francisco woke up this morning at 3:45. He usually wakes up between 3:30am and 4:30am – sometimes he goes back to sleep with little effort, other times he goes back to sleep after a bottle. This morning, like every other morning for the last 6.5 months, I waited a few minutes to see if he would go back to sleep. He didn’t. So I got up and tried rocking him. Didn’t work. I gave him a bottle at about 4 a.m. And then I did something I’ve never done before.

I went to the gym.

 

At 4:20 in the morning I left the cozy place I call home, went outside and walked a half a block to the gym. Then I got on the elliptical. It felt goooooooodddd. Oh Lord, it felt good. I mean, yes I was tired. But it felt so good to wake up and go to the gym.

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and then did about 20 minutes of chest/tricep weights.  By 5:20am I was back home. Got the coffee maker started (it’s auto-set to start at 5:45am) and took Iggy for a quick walk. And by 5:35am I was in the shower. I had enough time to wash a few dishes from the night before, sip coffee, make eggs, get Francisco ready for daycare and most importantly, NOT RUSH through the morning.

I’ll likely be asleep under my desk at 2pm this afternoon however this morning, I made it to the gym.

Small victories. Jen-white-1-300x106

 

Fighting against the current.

It’s a rainy day here in Milwaukee.screenshot_20160930-100748

As I was driving to work this morning, I started thinking about my struggles with healthiness. I feel like I’ve done better with my eating this week and while it’s not squeaky clean, whole30, rabbit food, it’s been significantly better than in recent months. Almost all week, I did not give in to excuses around my eating. I did not justify poor eating because I was running from meeting to meeting, was too tired, or other reasons that again would have been just plain excuses.

But I also think it’s going to take a lot more to get back to a healthy life, which includes a healthy weight. So then, the question popped into my head…

How bad do I want it?

How important is it to me to be healthy. Is being healthy more important than the choices I’m making now? What am I willing to do different? Am I willing to make what I may currently perceive as sacrifices now because I know once I get the healthiness ball rolling, it will be more of a norm, and won’t feel like a sacrifice. Right now, all my decisions have a snowball effect into one negative consequence. Being unhealthy. These decisions may seem individually small and unimportant (a poor choice here, a poor choice there) but they all add up to one big huge result. Unhealthiness. It feels like I’m trying to move a mountain, but probably because right now, I am fighting against the current. Each small decision I make, each decision that is better than what I would have previously make, each decision that fights against the current, is what makes a difference. Because together, the collective whole, will get me to where I want to be.

So the question I need to continue to ask myself, every time I think this one choice may not be a big deal, I just have to ask myself how important is being healthy to me.

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