Work or working out.

For the first time in three weeks, I woke up this morning feeling like I was human. I felt healthy, ready to take on the day and make healthy decisions, and be productive. Bronchitis is no joke, it knocked me down for the better part of three weeks. I still have a lingering cough but my doctor said that would probably linger for another week or so. Either way, it is nowhere close to being as bad as it was.

Before heading out the door this morning, I packed lunches for Francisco and myself, put dinner in the crock pot and then went back to the bedroom to set aside workout clothes for tonight. I told Carlos that I absolutely NEEDED to go to the gym tonight after Francisco went to bed. I set clothes out so that it was just that much easier for me to feel prepared.

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We were all out of the house by 7am. Carlos drops Francisco off at daycare in the mornings so I am usually  at work by about 7:25am. Work today included 7 meetings, extending a couple offers, eating lunch at my desk while I listened to voicemails, and sending a crazy number of emails. At 4:15pm, I scrambled to leave work and rushed to pick Francisco up from daycare. Once we got home at about 4:45pm, I alternated between playing with Francisco, making dinner and catching up with Carlos on how our days went. We ate dinner and Francisco went to bed at 6pm (I know, early — a discussion for another post.) At 6:15pm, I grabbed my work laptop and turned it on.

And now, I realize it is TWO HOURS later and I haven’t moved from the couch. Another two hours of work, it’s now 8:15pm and I haven’t worked out. I worked instead of working out. Working and being a full-time parent is crazy.

Today is not a complete failure though – I still made consciously healthy decisions.

But tomorrow, tomorrow I need to work out.

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Is struggling with healthiness a privilege?

It’s ironic now that I decided that I need to blog again, I find myself with nothing to say. Every time I think about writing a blog post, it just sounds so repetitive with what I’ve written years and years ago.

I’m holding steady at 210 right now, so a total of 6lbs lost in 6 weeks. Laughable, honestly. 6 pounds is 6 pounds but to be honest, I know I can do better. I’m still letting a lot of excuses win. Francisco got his first ear infection last Monday on top of a pretty crazy cold he had been fighting. Poor little guy, I just wanted to smother him in snuggles. He got on antibiotics which kicked in pretty quickly so all was well except in less than 24 hour, I caught the cold he had. A cold that knocked me out. Wednesday I got home from work and went right to bed. Thursday I could barely talk and by the time Friday came, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I slept the whole day. My voice started to come back on Saturday but barely. It’s now Tuesday and I’ve had this cold for a week. I am still barely surviving. Scratchy voice, sneezing, coughing and just getting by.

A time when my body needs the healthiest foods possible to fight off this cold and I’m struggling. An excuse, I tell myself. All excuses. I am not being hard on myself, I am just being honest with myself. I know that in order to be healthy, I have to stop allowing all these normal life happenings to get in my way. I have a child now. I am pretty sure I will be tired for the next 18 years. I will need to figure it out. And I have a job. One that is fairly intense and requires me to work 50 hours a week. I am not a unique snowflake with struggles that others don’t have. Other people… other women figure this out.

So what do I blog about?

I certainly do not have the capacity to write multiple times a week about what I do every day. Nor do I want to anymore. I have no interest in chronicling my life day-by-day because frankly, wouldn’t that be boring? My life is not exciting, lol.

When I originally mentioned I needed to be back, my thought was that I needed to blog through the struggles. But given all that is going on in the world, it seems so…. juvenile. So privileged of me that being healthy is a struggle. Other people in this world have struggles so much bigger than what I’m going through and yet here I sit in my tiny corner of Milwaukee struggling because even though I have access to an abundance of amazing healthy foods, I don’t want to eat it.

Okay – I think I’m going down a rabbit hole here and I’m not sure where it will stop if I don’t just stop myself 🙂

6 pounds. A victory, albeit a small victory.

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Slow progress is still progress, right?

It’s been 4 weeks since I wrote a post admitting what has become my reality, that I had allowed my weight to creep back up to 216lbs. I wrote that post and hit publish. In the days after I published that post, I had good intentions. Day after after day continued to start with good intentions. But despite those good intentions, I caved to excuse after excuse.

And then I got back our family photos. As I took a good hard look in the mirror, I realized I can’t do this to myself. I cannot allow myself to be unhealthy. For the sake of my family, and for my own sake, I need to be healthy. I don’t care about the size of my clothes, I am not trying to be skinny. But healthy.

I’m still waking up with good intentions. But when those excuses come up, when a coworker offers cheesecake, or when I have the choice to eat greasy pizza, I fight hard to make a healthier choice. Slowly building back up strength to not give into the excuses. I am still struggling to make it to the gym (okay, let’s be honest, I haven’t gone back since I woke up that one time at 4:30am) but I have been focusing a lot on my eating. And slowly…. very slowly, the scale is responding.

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That’s a 4lb loss. And I’ll take it. Especially given the fact that there were two weekends where we had visitors in from Minneapolis. This past weekend, my friend Cindy came to visit. On Saturday, we went on a boat cruise along the Milwaukee River into the bay of Lake Michigan with another friend here in Milwaukee. It was cold but interesting to hear about the historical side of Milwaukee. unnamed

Work is crazy hectic. And I’m pretty sure now that I’m a mom, life at home is not going to get any less hectic. So my goal will be to continue to figure out how to make progress, as slow as that progress may be.Jen-white-1-300x106

Ruining family photos.

Last month, we went back to Minneapolis for a weekend visit. I miss my sisters so much. For being only 5ish hours away, it feels like oceans.

While we were there, we were able to get a last minute photography session for family pictures with the photographer that did our wedding. We went to a fairly urban part of Minneapolis and I was excited for how they would turn out.

Flash forward to last week.

I got the link for the photos, typed in the password and began to scroll through each picture one by one. And as I scrolled to the pictures my heart sank deeper and deeper. As I looked at myself in each of the pictures, I realized the true depths of what I have done to myself over the past couple of years.

For as much as I had thought that nobody noticed. 
That it didn’t look that bad. 
That you couldn’t really tell. 
That I was hiding it well. 
That people weren’t noticing.
That it was just a little bit of weight.

All I could think about is how I ruined the pictures. I ruined the family photos – our first ever and they are ruined. Francisco looks so amazing, Carlos looks handsome and then there is me. Back to what I was. No longer what I had worked so hard to achieve.

Reality.

For as much as I have been “trying” this last month, trying but failing. Every day waking up with good intentions. And then something happens followed by a series of poor health decisions. I decide to skip the gym. I decide to give in to one more serving. I decide to give in to the temptation of foods I know are unhealthy. Good intentions mean nothing when I don’t follow through with them. Trying means nothing when there are no results that are followed up with it. I can come up with all the excuses I want but it doesn’t matter when it just leads to covering up the reality that has become.

I can blog all I want, read all the positive you can do it comments and all the supportive feedback but none of it matters if it goes nowhere.

None of this matters if I just continue to allow myself to live in denial.

Until I see the pictures. Me starting at myself, the truth right in front of my eyes. How easy it is to quickly close the website and go back to pretending. How easy it is to quickly close the window and go back to hiding. How easy it is to not share the pictures with anyone. After all, if I don’t share the pictures, then no one will know. That’s how this works, right?

Then I can just come here and whine whine whine.

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