I didn’t go to weight watchers today, partially out of work commitments/running late and partially out of shame. I did however weigh myself at home. It was dramatically ugly as right through bed last night I found myself in the middle of a anxiety fulled binge eating episode.
Why I get that way it is like there are two parts of myself: My rational brain and the rest of me. The rational brain appears to be trapped in a soundproof clear panic room. No matter how hard it bangs on the glass I cannot seem to see it. I can tell it is making a fuss but the words don’t make it to the rest of my body.
It wasn’t until I started weight watchers that I recognized some binge eating episodes in myself – before that i overate so much in general that it was rare to differentiate a binge. Now that my normal is dramatically different from what it was it is painfully and embarrassingly apparent when I go off the rails. And as near as my observations can tell it has VERY LITTLE to do with the food I am eating. I can binge on sweet or salty, processed or clean, fatty or lean. It is the food that is the perceived solution to the rising panic I am feeling. Of course the food does the exact opposite of calm me, instead it just increases self-doubt and anxiety.
And then, it passes. Typically it is 2-3 of varying degrees of it and then I am able to reason more clearly. I doesn’t happen monthly (not strictly hormonal), it doesn’t happen is all kinds of stress or fear, it doesn’t always happen if I feeling vulnerable or exposed to extra chaos, but sometimes all those things combine into an anxiety vacuum that seems to suck me in.
I write this out even though it seems embarrassing and a little crazy. I write it because people writing about there experiences with food, anxiety and eating have helped me.
I didn’t go to Weight Watchers today but I did weigh in. (I am up 7.4 lbs which is probably a lot of salt as I was eating everything yesterday). No fancy graphics today, no big announcements, just the reality of falling and facing facts.
But, to my credit, I dusted myself off today, I reached out to some friends for a shoulder to lean on, and I track and stayed within my points. Today that is progress and I will take it. Today it is enough to have turned the ship.