Weigh In Week 30

I am feeling quiet today.  And a little besieged.  All the news lately is HEAVY and it is just making life seem a bit weightier than normal.  I am managing fine and am not having any relapses, but I just am trying to be mindful through it all.  The news seems full of things that make me want to turn to cookies as a means of escape.  The reality is that cookies, chips, cheese, etc are my own form of stress relief.  It is a challenge not to turn to them and wallow for a while.  But I know that it is not about cookies and I am trying to sit with the fact that it is ok to be sad and NOT eat cookies.

I followed the plan all week, at most of my weekly points and none of my Activity Points.  The result?  Up.

+0.4 Pounds

74.2 lbs Lost to Date

o.4 pounds doesn’t have me terribly worried.  It could be hormones, it could be water intake, it could be what I wore.  In the end it is still a gain and I am making a change because of it.  I have debated for a few weeks about going down from the exclusive breastfeeding extra points (14) to the partial breastfeeding extra points (7).  I am still BFing and pumping, but as E2 eats more and more solids I think the extra 7 points may hinder my weight loss.  So I am pulling the plug and giving myself 7 extra instead of 14.  I hope it won’t hurt my supply but I think it is time.

Of course this is a bummer because I made this switch in my app after lunch and now I have 8 PP left for dinner, so I imagine I will be using some weekly points tonight.  It is going to be hard to drop that many points cold turkey but I think it is time.  We’ll see what the scale says next week!  I am hopeful.

In the meantime, I am going to have some extra baby cuddles, put my head down and get some work done, turn off the news and go for some training walks.   Even though I gained I know I had a strong week and I am sure that my body will catch up to what my brain is doing sooner or later.  (Hopefully sooner!)

O Captain, My Captain

The news is only hours old for me, but I feel compelled to blog because I have all the feelings.  We lost a great actor and comedian Robin Williams today, apparently to suicide.  Williams had a history of addiction and depression as I understand it, which is based solely on observation, knowledge of his visits to Hazelton (MN’s top-notch addiction rehab clinic), and media accounts.  And I am sad about it, but complicatedly so.

Robin Williams was one of those actors whose work I gravitated towards.  He walked the line of funny and poignant.  He could bring a light-heartedness to serious topics, and make funny situations ache with gravitas.  My shelves are riddled with his movies and I am hard pressed to pick a favorite.   He was odd, quirky, manic and wonderful in all the best ways.

And he was apparently hurting inside, hurting inside so much that he knew of only one seeming solution.

Depression lies friends.  It lies and tells you that you are worthless and that no one will miss you, if they even noticed you are gone.  It lies and says that everything about you is wrong and you won’t amount to anything.  It says that you are a failure.  You are nothing, you are less than nothing.

Think for a minute:  How could an award-winning, critically acclaimed, beloved actor believe this?  We know they are lies, but when you are depressed the lies make complete sense.

When asked I tell people that until I dealt with my own depression I never lost any weight.  I simply couldn’t believe that I was worth the fight, or that I had the willpower to succeed.  It was not for lack of trying, it was for lack of belief.

Depression lies.

The HARDEST thing I ever did was tell people I was depressed and that I needed help.  The act of having to admit that I was depressed felt like I was validating to everyone else what I already believed – that I was a huge failure at life.  Even now, the thought of those conversations makes me tear up.

I am lucky.  I was greeted with love, kindness, understanding and real offers to help – from my family, my friends and my boss.  I was embraced and with their help I had courage to find help.

Even as depressed as I was, I was not suicidal, but I feel like I could see how the path could lead there for others.  Depression is a killer.  It hides in your head and makes you believe the worst things about yourself.  Depression lies, but it can bend the light so that it looks like the truth.

I got help and it is the single best thing I have ever done for myself.  Without help (and medication in my case), I really doubt I would have E2 in my life.  I doubt I would have lost any significant weight.  I doubt I would love my life 90% of the time.  There are still bad days, but most of the time they are just days now and the lies don’t take root any more.

There is help friends.  There is healing.  I always have to keep an eye out for Depression’s lies now.  “Constant Vigilance” as Mad-Eye Moody might say.  But even in my “label ” as a medicated person, as a person who has struggled with depression, I know that I am so much more than that.

Depression lies.  If you are caught in its web of lies please reach out while you can.  If you know of someone who you think may be depressed please reach out a hand.  There is help.  It should never have to end the way it did for Robin Williams.  Please.

O Captain! My Captain!


O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
                         But O heart! heart! heart!
                            O the bleeding drops of red,
                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,
                                  Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
                         Here Captain! dear father!
                            The arm beneath your head!
                               It is some dream that on the deck,
                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
                            But I with mournful tread,
                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,
                                  Fallen cold and dead.
Be at peace Robin Williams.


Two weeks to the 3 Day!

The Susan G. Komen 3-Day walk is just two weeks away!  I am really excited to be able to do this event and I have some new and old friends to walk with along the way.  Still, there is some trepidation.  I have been training, but I still feel it might be inadequate, especially in the long walk distances.  It was so hard to find time to get out there between work responsibilities and home responsibilities.  Still, I have been putting in a lot of miles toward it and I hope that will pay off in the end.

The other thing I know is that it really isn’t about walking all 60 miles.  It is on the surface, but it isn’t in a fundamental way.  The 3-Day is about bringing to light the stories and struggles of real people who have had breast cancer.  People like my grandma, or my friend Mel.   While I am on the 3 Day I hope to hear a lot of amazing, sad and joyful stories.  That is what it is about.  Because when we put a face and a story to an experience then cancer isn’t faceless statistic, it is real people with real illnesses.

This evening E2 and I went out for a walk.  We made it almost 5 miles (4.7) but E2 decided she’d had enough with riding in the stroller.  It was a good walk and I wore my new second pair of shoes.  They recommend having two – these are wides and I hope they will be sufficient for any foot swelling I have during the event.  They were pretty comfy shoes!

 After our walk tonight


I have a walking “date” with my new 3-day team on Saturday morning.  I have known one member (and one former member) for many years now through blogging, but the rest of them will be new to me.  But I am excited to have a group to rally with.  So I am now a proud member of Boobs, Sweat and Tears!  I figure 9 miles or so will be a good introduction on Saturday!

I’ve completed my online registration/check in and am all set that way.  I’ve arranged all the logistics of needed a CPAP at camp (they are very nice about it AND I get a single tent!) and the logistics of the breast pump.  They are amazingly accommodating.  I have run many family events through work and I couldn’t even fathom all the necessary people and pieces to make an event like this take place.  And yet everyone I talk to is pleasant, enthusiastic and determined to make it a positive experience for everyone.  I think it says a lot about the organization that way.

I still worry about the miles, the blisters, the camping, but mostly I am starting think about the wonderful journey that I will get to be a part of and the commitment of all the fellow walkers.  I have a feeling it is going to be an amazing weekend.

I am walking the 3-Day on behalf of Susan G. Komen as one of their blogging team.  I am not compensated for this, however I did not have to do the traditional $2300 fundraising in order to participate.  However, I am still making a fundraising effort because I believe in the fight against breast cancer.  If you would like to donate to my walk you certainly can.  I am grateful that I get to participate either way.

Help me reach my goal for the Susan G. Komen Twin Cities 3-Day

Weigh In Week 29

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you about weighing in on my home scale the night before weigh in?  It had showed me up several pounds and then I had a small loss instead.  Amazingly, I have followed my own advice and not weighed in at home since them.  It is not for lack of desire however but simply that my scale has completely stopped working since that night.  I will take it as a sign to put my head down, follow the program and not worry about it until my weigh in days.  Despite that it is hard not really knowing where I am with things.  Last week I was confident because I followed the plan but I ended up gaining anyway – presumably because of stress and lack of sleep.  This week I was just as clueless.  I followed the plan and even had some weekly points left over.  I counted and tracked everything, including the goodies at National Night Out last night.  However, I was low on activity points since I took the weekend OFF after VBS.  So going into weigh in, I had no clue.

As it turns out…

-6.4 Pounds

74.6 lbs Lost on WW to date

So I had a great week.  Sometimes it is just perplexing.  While I ate better this week – more fruits/veggies, out less – I still had some splurges (within points) and though I had more weeklies left I also had fewer activity points.  Still, I am NOT complaining.  I really needed a big loss.  I am doing strong on tracking my food and a good loss is just what I need to keep my motivation up.  The fact that I broke the 70lb loss barrier in a big way is also motivating.  I told myself yesterday that if I didn’t have a loss this week I was going to look at reducing my nursing points from 14 (exclusive nursing) to 7 (nursing and solids).  While E2 is eating solids, I still pump regularly every day so I feel like I am somewhere in between.  Now I am not certain whether to reduce or not.  My milk production is lower, but I still pump often.  I think I’ll give it another week and see how things continue.  Obviously something is working well.

ww week 29For all of my knowledge, research and tracking, I confess, sometimes things just seem like a mystery to me.  How can I fight for weight loss one week and gain 1.4lb and have a relatively similar week and lose 6.4?  How to plateau’s factor in?  And stress?  There will be people in the world who shame fat people by saying that weight loss is just a matter of “Calories In, Calories Out.”  I believe it, but only an extent.  It is a very simplistic approach to an obviously very complicated system, and one that doesn’t even take into account bone density, muscle mass, metabolism, etc.

Rest assured, if you are trying – REALLY trying, not just a half-hearted attempt to fool yourself that you are trying (which I have done many times) – then you will see progress eventually.  And if you are really trying and DON’T see progress then it is time to talk to the Dr, the nutritionist, the physical trainer, etc and figure out what is going on.  When you think about it, we are all amazingly complex and diverse, it is no wonder that what works for one of us might not be the best fit for another.

I have lost nearly 75 lbs on Weight Watchers and by the world’s standpoint I am still morbidly obese.  If I let my obesity define me however, I would discount all the progress I have made.  I will make it because I know I can and because I take the steps to make it happen.  It can be done.  People will help you get there, but ultimately the work is on ourselves.  So how badly do you want it?

 I want it.