My therapist and I have been talking lately about how busy my mind is, all the time. Part of it is habit. In my mid-twenties, I worked my full time job, a part time job and went to full time school for my undergrad. I went right from my undergrad to grad program and never stopped to think about breathing.

Out of our conversations, my therapist recommended I work on quiet, alone time. While it sounds good, I really struggle with this. On one side, I feel an intense desire to slow down and just be. To find the center of my life and focus. I so deeply desire to find peace within myself. But the thought of slowing down terrifies me. How boring it must be. What would I do? When I attempt to take even just a few moments a day, I struggle. The minute I begin to sit still, in that initial 2 or 3 seconds of quiet, alone time, all the thoughts of what I could be, should be doing creep in and frustration takes over. What was and is suppose to be moments of quiet become an internal argument:

Calm. Think of nothing.
Ugh. I can’t forget to clean the downstairs bathroom.
No. Don’t think of anything else. Just think of black space.
I could probably vacuum quick, before I go to bed.
No. Don’t think of anything else. Just think of black space.
Oh shoot. I forgot to send email that candidate back.
No. Don’t think of anything else. Just think of black space.
I wonder if Carlos wants to see a movie this weekend…

It’s a very frustrating experience, going back and forth. Even after only a few minutes, I give up and just go do something. I understand this sounds crazy and I’m completely prepared for ya’ll to tell me I’ve lost it.

To help me, my therapist suggest a book called Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanb. Now if you know me, and have read my blog for awhile, you know my history with books. I really really want to develop a habit of reading books. I’ve started more books than I’d like to admit and in fact, if I’m really honest, I’d tell you I haven’t finished ONE SINGLE BOOK in over a year and a half. My frustration with reading is that even while I’m reading, my mind is attempting to multi-task, read fast and think about other things resulting in me forgetting everything I read.

So this time, I’m trying to take it slow. The book is an easy read, thankfully. And, it starts off with a bang:

We are very good at preparing to live , but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.

Funny thing, I’ve read the first 3 pages over and over again in the past week, just to make sure I’m comprehending.

I believe my healthiness, struggles and all, are tied to my inner peace. I believe finding inner peace is a lot harder than it sounds. And I believe while I may not get it right the first time, or the second time, or the thirteenth time, I believe that one day, I’ll find my peace.

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

I’m learning that meeting my hunger needs isn’t all that complicated. I used to think that every meal I ate had to be a project – it needed a protein, a vegetable, a fruit, a starch… I don’t know. I just made everything so difficult.

And then I realized what a fortunate situation I’m in. Who exactly was I cooking all these big meals for anyway? It’s just little ol’ me hanging out in my apartment. I don’t have a husband to feed, I don’t have growing children to care for, I don’t even have a pet that could use the leftovers.

Being single affords me the luxury of being able to fit food into my day whenever and however it’s most convenient, which brings me to the point of today’s post: my dinner last night was a sweet potato. I also had a few bites of chicken salad. But mostly, I want to talk to you about the sweet potato.

Did you know that sweet potatoes are basically a miracle food? I didn’t. Here’s an excerpt from “The World’s Healthiest Foods” Web site:

One difficulty in describing the health benefits of sweet potatoes is knowing where to begin. There are a surprising number of nutrient categories responsible for the health benefits of this underappreciated tuber. Among these categories are antioxidants, anti-inflammatory nutrients, and blood sugar-regulating nutrients. Each category brings with it valuable health benefits.

It takes about 7 minutes to steam a sweet potato, and after you add some butter and cinnamon and smash it all up, we’re talking 15 minutes max. Now that’s something I can handle. It would take me at least that much time to go to a drive thru or run into somewhere and grab something, and the health benefits wouldn’t even begin to compare.

The more I get used to this lifestyle of being intentional about choosing healthy foods, the easier it gets. Another bonus is that I’m much more in touch with my body’s needs. I can sense when it might be good to eat a piece of fruit, when I need protein (nuts and chicken are my favorites because they’re both easy), or when I need vegetables or a starch.

But anyways, I digress… here’s how easy it is to sweet potato your day…

Peel. If it's organic, you can leave the skin on and get extra nutrients.

Cut into 1/2 inch slices. I made these too big, but that's ok.

Steam the potato chunks for about 7 minutes or until you can stick a fork in them and break them apart pretty easily.

Smash 'em. Gross looking, right? See, this is why I'm not a food blogger so much. There are people who do this part so much better than me.

Add some cinnamon and butter and enjoy!

What’s your go-to healthy easy food? I’m always looking for new ideas, so please share. And, just so you can be extra proud of yourself for eating foods that do your body good, make sure you go this Web site and look up your favorite fruit or vegetable. I promise it’s a gold mine of information!

You can follow me on Twitter @PFG_Elle

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

You want to know something? I don’t know how to say this other than to just lay it all out there.

I stopped tracking.

I’ve been meaning to tell you this all week but the truth is, I feel like a flip-flopper. Like a this way one day and a that way the next. But it isn’t like that at all. You want to know why?

Because I haven’t needed to track, I’ve been very aware of my eating consciously and partially intuitively. I say partially because the truth is, I have grabbed a few extra pieces of chocolate each day, more than I “needed” to — but I was completely aware of what I was doing. It wasn’t mindless eating, nor was it emotion-induced inhaling.

It all started about 2 weeks ago when I was getting ready to go to my third Weight Watchers meeting. I had signed up online and was suppose to bring my registration information. So, in typical last-minute fashion, about 10 minutes before I was suppose to leave, I scrambled to find the registration information to bring with me. I couldn’t figure out where I was suppose to find it in my online account information so I ended up calling Weight Watchers. The customer service representative was so nice as she explained that I had actually only signed up for the online membership which did not include weekly meetings. To add weekly meetings, I’d have had to pay an additional monthly fee, which unfortunately, we weren’t in a financial place for me to do.

At first, I got really frustrated. The whole point in me doing Weight Watchers was…

1. Weekly accountability
2. Tracking

The next day, I woke up and forgot to track. Maybe it was subconsciously yet purposefully forgetting to track but I really did just space it out. The same thing happened the next day. And the next day. It was only four days after that I realized I had forgot to track and that I survived not tracking, didn’t go crazy and in fact, had done pretty good. “Pretty good” meant that I had ate food, when hungry, with no emotional eating or binging. Sure, maybe I didn’t eat everything perfectly balanced all the time but there was no over-indulgence in those four days.

It dawned on me, maybe I was okay not tracking for awhile. I didn’t talk about it here because honestly, sometimes, I just want to do things without describing ever moment of my thought process. Sometimes, I feel like the more I begin to rip apart something, the more obsessed I get with something. And I really just wanted to let it happen naturally. So I did. It’s been 10 days since I last tracked.

But don’t be fooled by non-tracking. I believe that sometimes, tracking my eats is what keeps me sane. And other times, tracking my eats is what drives me insane.

As for Weight Watchers? I still love the program and love the concept. Even though I’m not counting points or tracking this exact moment, the fundamental concept of more veggies is a driving factor in my decisions. I may not always make the most balanced decision but I do what I can.

Things worth noting:

• Sometimes when I post, I feel like my thoughts are so scrambled. Even when I re-read things, I am not quite sure my thoughts make sense when using letters to describe but I swear, my thoughts make sense in my head. Thanks for reading, even on days when I feel like I’m rambling.
• I’m beyond excited (and slightly nervous) to be speaking this morning at the #JMU612 Meet-Up about Social Media & Ethics. A #JMU612 Meetup is a monthly get-together where conversations flow regarding PR, marketing and technology topics. If you are interested in attending, follow them on Twitter or on Facebook to learn about the next meetup.
• I’m honored to be on Shape Magazine’s list of most inspiring weight-loss bloggers, especially to be included in with the other bloggers recognized.
• I am thrilled that ELEVEN people signed up for my Blogging for Beginners class through the Minneapolis Community Education program – it was such a good turnout that they’ve asked me to come back again and teach another 5-week session toward the end of April!

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

Catch and Release, Part I

Catch and Release, Part II

Catch and Release, Part III

There had been other guys there too, that night, but I was so distracted by Aaron that I didn’t bother getting to know any of them. It wasn’t until the following week, when Aaron wasn’t around (he lives in a different part of town, so he doesn’t make it out to the weeknight events) that I started taking time to get to know the other people in the dance community. I met two guys who go to the same church I do, one guy who’s a cameraman for a local news station, and a handful of others—all of whom were interesting. And since we were pretty much hanging out every night it didn’t take long for us to all exchange phone numbers and form a little group. In a matter of two weeks, Stephanie and I had basically fallen into a whole new group of friends.

Meanwhile, Aaron and I were staying in touch through text messages and the occasional phone call. It was just enough to keep things fun without being overly clingy or intense. When it came right down to it, we actually didn’t know each other that well. I mean yeah, we’d had this great night of dancing and then he’d blown my socks off with this amazing fairy-tale kiss, but that was pretty much it. So naturally, I was excited when he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner before the social dance on Wednesday night last week.

Wednesday is typically the one day of the week when I leave my apartment in the morning and don’t see it again until nearly midnight, but miracle of miracles, I surely did manage to work in the time to get home, take a quick shower and spruce myself up before going out to meet him at Twisted Root for a hamburger. I picked out my twirly-est dress (hey, we were going dancing later) and buttoned up my green ruffled coat over it. I finished the outfit off with a purple scarf and pinned a lace flower in my hair. This much is true my friends, I love feeling feminine; I just never had the courage to own it when I was heavy.

When I walked through the door he was already sitting at a table waiting for me. Dang he looked good. All tall and handsome over there in that corner by himself. He pulled me into a bear hug and kissed my forehead. “Oh my, I didn’t realize how much I missed looking into those pretty eyes.”

I should have known better; I’ve had TexMex that was less cheesy than that line, and yet I bought it hook, line, and sinker. He tucked a stray curl behind my ear and started pulling my scarf from around my neck. “C’mon. Let’s put your stuff down and go get you some food. I want to hear what’s been going on in your life.”

We ordered two cheeseburgers and eased into conversation. Well, the first five minutes were easy. After that the conversation got a little more stilted and the awkward silences got a little more frequent. It’s ok, I told myself. First date weirdness is bound to happen. But the more we talked, the more I got the feeling we might not be as compatible in real life as we were on the dance floor. Ah well, no need to get worked up just yet. Time would tell.

“So you said you were out of town last weekend in Minneapolis?” Gulp. The PriorFatGirl Get Together. Don’t panic. He’s just asking a question. You don’t have to tell him everything right now. He didn’t ask you to disclose your major life issues. Let your past come up naturally. Ease into it when the conversation lends itself to that topic.

“Yeah, it was really nice. And by nice, I mean I think I might have frostbite.” Excellent deflection.

“Were you there for business or pleasure?”

“Um, a little of both I guess.” You’re doing good. Just. Act. Natural. Say you were there to visit a friend.

“A little of both, huh?” He paused before taking another bite of his burger. “That sounds intriguing. What kind of business/pleasure was it?”

GEEZ he asks a lot of questions. Can’t we talk about something else already? I went, I froze, I came back, it’s over. What more do you want to know Questions McQuestionsPants? Ok, breathe.  Be vague, be casual. Remember: let the weight loss come up naturally.

“It was… I was… I lost fifty pounds last year.”

Nailed it.

He looked like a freeze frame. His mouth was hanging open in anticipation of the french fries that had been centimeters from his face. They now hung haphazardly from his hands while he stared at me unblinking.

“You… you what?”

“Well, yeah. I, I um, I lost some weight last year and so I was up there for a conference about weight loss.”

“Wow. Well, ok.” He took a minute to process what I’d just told him. “So that’s kind of a lot of weight.” He was trying to hide an ill-timed smile.

I couldn’t help it. It cracked me up, and then we were both laughing. It wasn’t really meant to be an ice-breaker, but somehow it had turned into that. “Well, yeah, I was pretty fatt…er.”

“Pretty fatt-er?” The corner of his mouth was raised in a half smile.

“Yeah, pretty fatt-er.” The tension was dissolving quickly now.

“I don’t think pretty fatt-er is even a thing. I think you just made that up. Do you have a picture?”

“Oh, totally.”

I got out my phone and scrolled until I found a particularly offending photo and handed it over to him.

“No way! Oh, wow. That doesn’t even look like you. Well, I mean it does. But it’s…” he looked up at me with a “yikes” expression on his face.

“I know!”

It shouldn’t have been such a funny moment, but it was. We had both put down our food and couldn’t quit laughing. Suddenly the entire situation was a lot less intimidating, and the conversation just sort of picked up from there. I told him that my dating background had been pretty nonexistent, there had been a few guys I’d spent time with over the years, but none of them were people that I saw myself having any kind of future with, and none of them had ever really pursued me. They had just sort of… happened. But having a guy actually put effort into getting to know me—that was all new territory.

“Well, that sort of explains a lot.” He was smiling. “Alright, well there are a few things you need to know now that you’re this—” he gestured toward me with his hand, “—and not that,” he pointed back at the picture on the phone. “Ok? But don’t worry; I’m going to help you out. Like one of the first things you have to learn is how to see through the ridiculous things guys are going to say. ”

“Like what?”

“Like corny lines about your beautiful eyes. Never believe that stuff.”

He gave me a sly grin and popped the last of his cheeseburger into his mouth. “Now are you going to let me take you dancing, or what?” He pulled my coat from the back of my chair and held it open.

You can follow me on Twitter @PFG_Elle

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

Blogging through healthiness is difficult.

It’s difficult because I can so easily get caught up in the appearance of the written word compared reality. To get lost in publishing just a little bit versus all that other stuff that is really going on. Sharing only certain thoughts that go through my mind, not acknowledging half of what I’m really thinking. Writing what others need to hear instead of what I need to process. Making sure that I’m pleasing the masses instead of being true to the voice that is in my head.

I am my own image. But maybe that is my problem, that I am my own image. Am I a self-fulfilling prophecy, struggling with my healthiness because that is all I ever talk about? What if, by concentrating on the negative, on the struggles, on the this-is-so-hard-why-can’t-healthiness-be-easy, I’m in fact, making it not easy. What if we are what we concentrate on?

Or am I just merely attempting to live up to the unrealistic expectations I set long ago which the online healthiness community is now holding me to?

Dear self,

Healthiness happens when you relax and remain calm. Healthiness happens when you allow yourself to just be in the moment and stop worrying about how hard things are. Healthiness happens when you stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the now. Healthiness happens when you take life one step at a time, one breath at a time. Healthiness happens when you let new habits become life rather than kicking and screaming. Healthiness is an adjective, not a goal. Healthiness happens when you learn to enjoy what you’ve become. Healthiness happens when you slow down long enough to recognize and feel; and when you can connect the two together. Happiness is when you refocus on the why and not the who. When you step back and breath, remembering what lit your fire to begin with.

You are your own image. You become what you strive for, what you concentrate on, what you imagine. You are what you fill your mind with.

I am the imperfect life that strives every day for self-acceptance, healthiness and happiness. And I will continue to work toward my own image.

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

On Sunday, I jumped into my car after a good workout with Jen and sat for a minute while I waited for the car to warm up. Winters in Minnesota are brutal. As I sat there, shivering, I looked around and realized my car said a lot about me.

First, it said I lived in Minnesota as evident by all the dried up slushy dirt and salt mixture.

Second, it said I was healthy.

Yes. The inside of my car screams

“A HEALTHY PERSON DRIVES THIS CAR!”

You see, tucked into the drivers side door, you’ll find a pair of headphones. And my gym access badge. And my iPhone running/arm case.

Over on the passenger side, you’ll see my water bottle. And a pair of workout shoes. And a yoga mat.

All of that stays in my car all the time so that I can just grab and go. Anyone walking by at any given moment would notice I’m a workout-er. But more importantly, when I’m in my car, running from place to place, it is a reminder to myself that I am healthy.

I am healthy.

What does your car say about you?

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

I got an email from a reader yesterday. And I’m ashamed to say I have no clue how to answer it.

I should know. I’m a bride. And a blogger. So instead of responding with nothing, I figured I’d turn to YOU to respond. Here’s the email:

I  have a non-health related question for you though. I recently got engaged and am wondering if you could suggest some wedding/bride blogs. Since you are well versed in the blogging world, I figured you may have been reading some as well.

Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Megan

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

I have a lot to tell you this week.

This dating business is harder than it seems and, in some ways, easier than it seems. So much of it comes naturally once you get started – you sort of know what to say, you know what to do, you know how to play your part.

But what about the awkward conversation where you tell him you used to be fat? What do you do you when you realize that maybe your boundaries are different than his boundaries? What do you do when you feel like maybe you’d be better as friends than “lovers,” and who gets to make that call? And how do you do it with respect and compassion?

An instruction manual on relationships would be awfully useful right about now. I’m a little late to the game and my skills are…ah, probably not on par with others my age who have been doing this for the last 15 years or so.

I had to sort through some of those things this weekend (and I’m still sorting). I wish I could just date without having to think about any of those things, ever. But that’s not realistic. And I’m having fun, so it’s not like I’d rather go back to sitting in front of my TV on a Friday night in my sweats trying not to think about the fact that I have no life. I just have to figure out how to have fun, and at the same time make sure I’m being considerate of the other party… i.e, not leading on, being honest about who I am… basically treat them the way I’d like to be treated.

The other challenge? How do you enjoy going on dates without worrying about the menu options? Honestly, that’s one of the trickiest things. I don’t want to panic when he says “I’m feeling a burger,” and I don’t want to be lame and order a side salad when he takes me out somewhere really nice. I want to enjoy the whole experience and let the food just be the food… but it’s hard when I also have this little voice in the back of my head yelling at me about what the scale will do if I indulge.

Ugh!

I wanted it to be so much simpler than this! Anyway, should be a good week of posts – goodness knows I’ve got the material to write something every day.

Oh, and before I forget, the scale did show 160 this morning. Curses. It’s ok though, I’m not panicking… I’m just going to go home and run 1o miles. Or maybe more like two one. Yeah, I’m thinking a one mile run should be good.

You can follow me on Twitter @PFG_Elle

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.

A weekend full of sweat and sneezes. That’s what this weekend was.

Last week, I got a baby cold. A baby cold is my own definition of a cold that doesn’t knock you on your butt but instead, just lingers and annoys you. I slept 9-10 hours most days last week and had a slight sore throat but was still functional. I ended up switching my early morning workouts to go after work so I could sleep in the extra hour in the mornings and it seemed to work.  By Friday, I was feeling somewhat better so decided  to hit up hot yoga.

It was just what I needed. A quiet night, alone with my thoughts. Saturday morning, I woke up at 7am-ish and caught up on the news for about an hour… and then fell asleep. Until noon. Apparently I needed more sleep? I got in a workout and then, Ann and Jen came over with their hubby’s to play pool and have a couple drinks.

It was a blast – we laughed and joked and laughed some more. We stayed up late into the night, the three of us trading stories while the boys played pool. Iggy was in heaven with all the attention.

Sunday I got up and met Jen at the gym. Somewhere between the time I went to sleep Saturday night and the time I got home from the gym, my baby cold took a turn for the worse. I swear, I almost itched my nose off. If it’s true what they say, that your heart skips a beat every time you sneeze, well then, my heart skipped a lot of beats yesterday!

While I probably should have taken a nap, I decided to get some blog work done and fold laundry Sunday morning.

My sisters Alicia and Heidi plus their families came over around 3pm. Carlos and my brother-in-law, Dan, went downstairs to play pool while my sisters and I played around with the kids at the kitchen table, putting up and tipping over dominoes.

For dinner, I made spaghetti and it was so good! I made up a big batch of noodles for everyone else but opted to have my spaghetti sauce over lettuce instead because I was saving room for dessert.

Me and my sister, Alicia – the birthday girl.

Me and Noah, who likes to make duck faces in photos.

Me and my sister, Heidi who is a magical cake maker.
And, baby Grace, who was born last month.

Alicia and her birthday cake Heidi made.

It was a fun Sunday afternoon but by 6pm, I was done. My whole head felt like it was going to explode. My whole face itched including my eyes and nose. My nose was stuffed up but runny at the same time. I uploaded some photos, took some Benedryl and by 7pm had retired to the coutch.

I’m going to try to make it tot the gym this morning and to work but depending on how I feel, I may not stay the whole day at work. We’ll see how things go.

How was your weekend?

©2012 Prior Fat Girl. All Rights Reserved.