On doubt

The days when losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle is hard is most often the days when the rest of life seems hard too.  I have been working on VBS for days (weeks) and just the weekend stands between me and another great week of Vacation Bible School.  Every year at this time I have a freakout – how will I get it all done?!  That freakout leads in turn to doubts about the rest of my life.  The basic “you suck” mix tape in my mind.  Combined with the fact that I am eating a lot of fast food, at odd hours, it is a bad combo.  I managed to have three meals today (only 2 yesterday – one at 10pm), but they all involved food from local establishments.  Yes I tracked them, and yes, I used some weekly points.  Honestly all I really want is a gallon of raspberries or a good salad, but that wasn’t in the cards today.  (Yes #justtrollin people I know I could have prepared with better choices.  I know.)

The fact that those read like excuses just adds to the soundtrack in my mind.  Doubt when allowed to run rampant has a way of snowballing.

When this happens I try take a step back – to read a book for 20 minutes, or to look at all the things I do well.  For example,  I have tracked everything I have eaten.  I am not negative for the week and I have more opportunities for good choices tomorrow.  I did not eat ALL THE PIZZA that I had for my set crews today – opting for a slightly healthier option.  In addition, I am working hard to stay hydrated.  I have my volunteers in place and know that despite several busy days ahead VBS will work out fine.  It always does.  I have been FAR more behind than this some years and it all miraculously comes together.

I am not certain if I have a point or if I am just blogging to clear my head – but if I did have a point for myself it would be “remember the big picture.”  These days will pass.  Vacation Bible School will still happen whether everything is perfect to my eyes.  200+ kids and volunteers will have a fun week.  And in the end I will be able to take a deep breath and say it was fun.  It is always fun.  So I will keep tracking, keep trying, and hopefully keep things in perspective.

I will try to write a new soundtrack for my brain.

What resets your own internal soundtrack when things seem challenging?

Weigh In Week 27

I learned a lesson this week.  Well, I learn lesson’s most weeks but this was a good one for me to (re)learn:  Don’t step on the scale more than once a week.   Some people can weigh in every day and it works for them.  It doesn’t work for me – all it does is make me over-analyze my choices and gives me something dumb (a number on a scale) on which to base my mood.

How did I learn this lesson you ask?

I weighed myself last night.  Now I know my scale at home and the one at WW do not read the same (WW is typically lower), however I wanted to get a sense of how I was doing going into today’s weigh in.  That was a mistake.  Last night on my own scale I was 5-6 lbs HIGHER than I was last Wednesday.  This would have been annoying but tolerable if I had “earned” the weight gain through bad choices and overeating.  Instead, I had worked hard all week to stay on track and within my points.  Even while traveling.  Even while being grouchy about it.

Last night I very nearly took that apparent gain and let it derail me.  I wanted Oreos, or Ice Cream or a bag of chips.  Instead I drank some water and went to bed (too late as always but I didn’t eat at least).

Today I couldn’t weigh in until about 12:30pm since I had a program to run this morning…I went in with trepidation and annoyance.  I did not want to see a gain that was more than likely caused by airplane travel and humidity.  Even if it might not be a “real” gain, I didn’t want to see it.  But the scale surprised me.

-0.4 Pounds

-69.6 lbs Lost to Date on WW

This tells me a few things.  1. Hard work does pay off, even if it isn’t visible at first. 2.  Planes are mean and you need to drink a lot of water during and after you travel. 3. Never weigh in before your weigh in.

I spent last night grouchy and having to stave off unneeded temptations because I assumed that I was going to gain weight based on my own scale.  If I had just kept at it without weighing it, last night would not have been so miserable.

The scale is a tricky thing.  Really, you cannot control it.  You can control your choices.  I made good choices this week and in the end it worked out.  Now I just need to remember this for next time.ww week 27 graph

I am SO close to 70lbs on Weight Watchers.  It is VBS prep week this week and VBS next week so I am running around like a rabid chicken, but I am going to keep on tracking.  When I track, I make better choices, and I lose weight.  So onward and downward I go!

a1088de6d6b6e10e3cbfda4c580533fc47fd42eb6b8e4159ee0827798c26d200Will you track with me this week?

Doing the right thing and being grouchy about it.

Sometimes you make good choices and you feel good about them.  Other times, those same good choices just piss you off.  That was me today.  I’ve been absent because the family left EARLY on Saturday morning (read up at 3am early) to fly to Virgina to my BIL and SIL’s house.  My niece was been baptized on Sunday morning and I am very grateful not to miss it.  However what followed was 3 long and crazy days which included food options I was not entirely in control of and lots of travel, with two small children.

And I did well.  I have one weekly point remaining and tracked everything I ate.   I had some cake, but also didn’t have some other things that would have inflated my points.  I had some pizza and also some salad.  It was almost a picture perfect way of celebrating with family and managing to stay on plan.

So why am I so grouchy about it?

Is it because I am tired and I really really want to find an excuse to eat anything I want?

Is it because I still feel there is such a long way to go and am a little shell shocked by the full body image in the hotel mirror?

Is it because sometimes we just aren’t in the mood?

Is it because E2 had a rough night and I am very very tired?  (a strong contender)

Is it because I resent that I can’t just eat whatever sounds good at family events like everyone else seems to?

All of the above?

I suppose it is a good lesson.  Sometimes the good choice is not the choice you want to make.  It might make you feel like you were virtuous but you still feel a bit left out.   Sometimes the voices and habits we are breaking “yell” more loudly at us.  Sometimes mood, convenience, and desire make good choices seem unappealing.  Amazingly, you can still make the good choices.

I feel grouchy about it today, but chances are after a good night sleep I will be happy that I stuck to the plan.  Right now however, it is a good thing we need to go to the store badly so there is no food in the house.

Today I walked past a Five Guys, a Cheese-steak place, Chick Fil-A, and countless other options to go get a hummus wrap for myself and a smoothie for E1.  I then calculated the WW points based on the posted nutrition information and walked with my wrap back to the gate past all the same places.  The wrap was delicious, but it wasn’t Five Guys.  But even if I am grouchy about it, I still made the good choice.  (It goes without saying that on WW I could have had Five Guys, but I would need to track it and it would have put me over on my weeklies)

It still counts.  Even when I am reluctant it still counts.

But I better get some sleep so I am not so grouchy about it tomorrow.

Weigh In Week 26

This last week was not an easy week food wise, but I am proud of it.  I am proud because I fought the fight the whole week.  I tracked everything.  I worked hard to get steps in and was over 10,000 for 5 of the 7 days.  I managed to navigate camp food and while I used essentially all my weekly points, I did not touch my activity points and I did not end up in the red for points.  I worked hard at it and when I was hungry and sought out better options whenever I could.

And wouldn’t you know it, hard work pays off.  ( [insert sarcasm font here] You mean when you follow the plan it works?  Shocking. )

-6.8 Pounds

69.2 lbs Lost to Date


And I could tell.  For the first time in a few weeks my clothes felt better, I felt smaller again, I had more energy.  It as if my hard work was enough to blast through my plateau.  And while the numbers above make me super happy there is one number that isn’t apparent that makes me even happier.  I count my weight loss primarily from when I started back on Weight Watchers in January after coming back from maternity leave.  Thus my starting weight is the number on the scale in Jan (347).  However, there is another starting weight in my head as well – the weight I was the day of my C-section.  They had me step on the scale at the hospital that morning and it read 382.  Now I am at 278.4, which if you can do math means I have dropped 103.6 lbs in 8.5 months! 

Insane, but it is real.  And for at least 69 lbs of that it has been me working hard at it that led to the loss.  No doubt some of the weight would have come off on its own – pregnancy and I don’t agree -  but this is more than nursing now.  You don’t lose 100+ pounds simply by breastfeeding so I am going to pat myself on the back because I earned this.

Now I am still in the 270s, so there is a lot of progress still to be made, but for today I am celebrating 100 lbs down.  And it feels great.