Home again, home again.

We are back from our mini-vacation.  It was lovely and relaxing.  The kids (and adults) loved swimming, water slides and all the fun.  We ate all but one meal in our condo which is good, but I admittedly did struggle with moderation.

Now that I am home I am back to tracking.  I will have a bit more sugar detox to do than I’d hoped but I do not regret taking vacation off.  If that makes me a horrible weight loss blogger then so be it.  I am only me.  I write my story and it people like it then great, if not then feel free to move along.

I did not weigh in this week since I was on vacation.  I will go weigh in on Wednesday as normal and we’ll see what the scale shows.  It took me a long time to get to the point where my worth is not tied to my weight and having to back track a bit still doesn’t change that.

I have an amazing life and an amazing family.  And I enjoyed THEM this week.  That is the important part.

Scenes from the week:

    

When in the homeland…

Permission

I am “out of the office” right now.  We headed out for a few days of vacation over my son’s spring break.  We haven’t had a family vacation in ages (at least since getting pregnant with Edith – 2 + years).  We are sharing a condo with friends and there are plenty of indoor water parks.

We are running around swimming, climbing steps of water slides and generally being active and I have given myself permission not to track over these few days.  I know that I will likely gain weight while I am gone but for the first time in a long time I am giving myself a break – from work, from worrying, from weight watchers.  I am taking a break and my only goal is to enjoy my time with my family.

Four days won’t break a year of work.  Weight can be re-lost.  And right now being present and away from phones, trackers, computers and obligations is a much needed respite.  And now since nap time is nearly over, I am going to put down the computer and rejoin the family fun.  There are water slides calling our name.

Weigh In Week 61

I didn’t go to weight watchers today, partially out of work commitments/running late and partially out of shame.  I did however weigh myself at home.  It was dramatically ugly as right through bed last night I found myself in the middle of a anxiety fulled binge eating episode.

Why I get that way it is like there are two parts of myself: My rational brain and the rest of me.  The rational brain appears to be trapped in a soundproof clear panic room.  No matter how hard it bangs on the glass I cannot seem to see it.  I can tell it is making a fuss but the words don’t make it to the rest of my body.

It wasn’t until I started weight watchers that I recognized some binge eating episodes in myself – before that i overate so much in general that it was rare to differentiate a binge.  Now that my normal is dramatically different from what it was it is painfully and embarrassingly apparent when I go off the rails.  And as near as my observations can tell it has VERY LITTLE to do with the food I am eating.  I can binge on sweet or salty, processed or clean, fatty or lean.  It is the food that is the perceived solution to the rising panic I am feeling.  Of course the food does the exact opposite of calm me, instead it just increases self-doubt and anxiety.

And then, it passes.  Typically it is 2-3 of varying degrees of it and then I am able to reason more clearly.  I doesn’t happen monthly (not strictly hormonal), it doesn’t happen is all kinds of stress or fear, it doesn’t always happen if I feeling vulnerable or exposed to extra chaos, but sometimes all those things combine into an anxiety vacuum that seems to suck me in.

I write this out even though it seems embarrassing and a little crazy.  I write it because people writing about there experiences with food, anxiety and eating have helped me.

I didn’t go to Weight Watchers today but I did weigh in.  (I am up 7.4 lbs which is probably a lot of salt as I was eating everything yesterday).  No fancy graphics today, no big announcements, just the reality of falling and facing facts.

But, to my credit, I dusted myself off today, I reached out to some friends for a shoulder to lean on, and I track and stayed within my points.  Today that is progress and I will take it.  Today it is enough to have turned the ship.

Falling Down

Truth: When I fall down.  I fall down hard.  I leave bruises and I stay on the ground longer than I should, dazed by my own fall and assessing the damage.  The farther I am on my journey the less I fall, but when I fall I still fall full force.

And when I am on the ground it rarely helps to say, “So don’t fall down,”  instead what I need is a hand back up and someone to look at me kindly but without pity.  I need a friend to hug and take me for a walk.  A safe short walk around the block away from places where I may fall down again.

When you fall sometimes you know what you tripped on and sometimes it catches you off guard and you trip on yourself only.

When you fall your ego is as bruised as your knees.

When you fall there is a strong desire to stay down and hope that everything just goes away.  But it doesn’t go away by lying there.   It doesn’t go away by wishing it did.  It doesn’t go away with food.

So eventually you get back up and try again.

But those falls, they shake you up and wreck havoc on your confidence.