Physical Therapy Graduate

I graduated out of PT today.  I am still welcome to make an appointment if I need to or if things seem out of whack, but my therapist said I don’t need regular appointments any more!  I did some jogging (3 1-minute jogs) and it felt pretty good.  I still have exercises to do several times a week and a “Get back to running after injury” plan but I am cleared!

 Yay!

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That leaves the little matter of the Disney Half Marathon.  This is not a little 5k that I am signed up for.  It is a big race, much farther than I’ve ever gone.  It is expensive to get there and it has a strict sweep time. Since I won my entry I am not out any money if I give it up.  All signs point to the fact that I should think smaller and more local.  I don’t need to run a half marathon to be healthy.   It is training that takes time which is stressful and it could reinjure my knee easily enough – especially if I were dumb enough to try to run outside in winter in Minnesota.

On the other hand, this is an event that challenges me, it forces me to train and to grow as an athlete.  My SIL is registered for the race, as well as several Fitbloggin’ friends.  It hurts to think about passing that up.

It would have been easier if my knee felt bad today, the choice would have been clearer.  But, when I see it all written out it seems clear to my head what to do even if my heart is holding me back.  It has to go.  It can still be a someday goal – when my knee is stronger, my weight is less, my kids are bigger, my finances more stable.  But I am bummed at the choice.

Boo.

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I was going to #runDisney after all, and now I am not.

But I have to look at the bigger picture and think about all the important factors.  Now is not my time to #runDisney.  Perhaps someday my run will come.

Weigh In Week 44

I just at dinner at 10:15 at night, so you can tell it has been a long day.  So I am going to keep this short and sweet.  Thank you for the encouragement and feedback on yesterday’s post.  I woke up feeling a lot better having gotten it out of my system.  I also didn’t feel the need for any sweets or chocolate today and have stayed in my points all day.  I am even going to get 10,000 steps today for the first time in a while.

Still thanks to yesterdays implosion I had no idea what to expect.  The results of this mornings weigh in…

+/-0 Pounds

90.6 lbs Lost on WW to Date

I will take that after yesterday with glee.  The next few days are putting my head down and staying on track.  I want to try to NOT use more than 2-3 weekly points on any given day.  I need to try to balance my food intake away from big splurges and into more regular eating day in and out.  I also need to start to prepare to give up my final extra 7 nursing WW points.  I am still pumping 3 times a day and nursing a couple more so I am not done, but both my supply, my interest and E2′s dependence are waning.  The time is coming and I don’t want that 7 point daily loss to be such a shock.

I go to PT tomorrow morning and she is going to have me try a jog on the treadmill.  We are in crunch time to make a half marathon decision.  If I am going to train I need to start hardcore ASAP.  I am not sure if my knee can take it and I am not sure if my brain can either.  If I had to decide today I think I would be a scratch, but I am going to see what my body says tomorrow and in the next few days to determine if I have a shot or not.

And if not then I need a plan for winter exercise that is good for my knee and my soul, because right now I am hurting for some movement and physical activity to energize my body and relax my brain.

Now however it is time to finish my nightly chores and get to bed before the baby wakes up (stupid baby teeth + stupid baby cold = little sleep for adorable baby and her mama).

 

Feeling the pressure

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My senses seem dull and my mind muddled. I am overwhelmed today by the immense responsibility given to me: as wife, mother, Christian, neighbor to local and global communities.  I feel too small to make a difference but too big not to keep trying. The greatest gift I have to give is time and there is always so much more I want to do.

Too much need and I feel acutely that I am not enough. I have passions for so many things. Today I feel constrained by “budgets” – Time, Money, WW points, PT timelines, space, sleep. I want to do more not less. I want more time with kids, more ministry, more date nights, more time for friends, more workouts.  I want to volunteer, mentor, support, encourage, discover.  But I also desperately yearn for less. I yearn for less conforming, for less anxiety, for less stuff, for less pressure.  It is hard to try to do all things well.  Heck, it is hard to even do a few things well.

Less and more collide in an intersection of doubt and wonder. I wonder what the best path is and how to achieve it, I doubt whether I have the skills to accomplish it.  How do you choose between goals when they conflict?  There are so many worthwhile things out there in the world.

Sometimes I think I need an introvert time break from my to-do list.  That list is just as intimidating and exhausting to me some days as small talk at a party with strangers.  I am surrounded by undone things and many days it feels I leave more undone than I accomplish.

I fell face first into sugary things this afternoon.  I think I was searching for something to make my head and my heart feel better, all it did was added a stomachache to the day as well.  I realize my existential angst today is a combination of hormones, a head cold, a crazy life, sleep deprivation and a gray, cold day.  Sometimes knowing the source of your emotions doesn’t actually stop you from feeling them however.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed – both here with weight loss and in other aspects of my life as well.  I want to be seen as having something worthwhile to say.  Most days it is about me and being the best me I can be, but when I am in a bad spot I worry that I am disappointing my supporters.  I know I disappoint myself on days like this.

Tomorrow is another day, and the start of a new Weight Watchers week.  Hopefully things will look up tomorrow.  God-willing I can get a good night sleep and some sinus meds.  They will do more for me than this afternoons chocolates did.

 

Sleep

My world is busy, but for me to be functioning it requires a minimum of sleep.  In a perfect world I would have 8-9 hours of sleep during my preferred time of midnight – 9am.  Ha.  Yeah, I have kids and I work so we KNOW that doesn’t happen.  Most of the time I function pretty well on 6 hrs, so long as it is regular.

When I face sleeping challenges however, it is that much harder to make good choices.  E2 has been cutting some molars this week.  In the last three nights I’ve gotten about 10 hrs of sleep.  Brutal.

It is hard to stay on track when I am tired.  I haven’t done my PT exercises in days, when I finally get the baby to sleep in her crib then I just head to bed.  The family is tired and cranky and we are in survival mode.  I have kept up on tracking which is good and can still make it a good week even though I’ve eaten more of my weekly points than I wanted.  It requires a lot of work to stay focused and when I am tired it is hard to even complete my sentences.

This is just part of the season of life I am in, and while I am tired I don’t want this to sound like a full complaint.  Honestly I still kind of relish the snuggles I get when I am able to comfort E2, but I wish it wasn’t mostly from Midnight – 6am.

This is one of those instances where the fine line between excuse and reason comes in.  Is my lack of sleep the reason for skipping my PT exercises or an excuse I am using to get to skip them (they are not fun after all).  I think honestly it might be both, though I follow a rule of thumb when faced with choices:

Am I making the smartest choice for a healthy me right now?

At 2am the healthiest choice is sleep.  But I could find time to do them while the kids are still up or after she goes down the first time before she gets up.  Procrastination when she is asleep is a thing too, though it is hard to prioritize well when I just want to rest.

Speaking of rest, I am going to wrap this up, eat a healthy dinner, hopefully get my kids to bed and do my PT.  Then sleep!  (Please pray for a good night.  We could sure use it going into Monday!)