Now what?

Truth time.  I am lost.

I’m gaining weight at a ridiculous speed, turning to food to get me through the day.  It is like my brain is reverting to only two coping mechanisms – sleep and food.  Given that my sleep is limited by work and family I am turning to food.

None of my self-talk is good.  I recognize it is bad and unhealthy and instead being kinder to myself my brain say, “Great, another way you are messing everything up”

I went to a new/old place to consider therapy around food, depression, binge eating etc.  The nice thing is that they think they can help me, but the bad thing is it is still a few more weeks until I get seen for actual help.  They’ll be able to handle my psychiatry stuff too which means I don’t have to go back to Mr. Mean Psych who berates me on the phone.  I took that step, but that is about I’ll I can manage.

I haven’t being to weigh in, I cannot face what I know is the truth – my weight is nutty.  But the truth is I feel it in the way my clothes fit, and the way my body feels.

I have enough presence of mind to know this period is not normal and I need to work actively to get better, but it takes so much energy just to get out of bed and do the things that need doing for work, for the family, for the bills etc.

So if you wonder where I am, this is where.

Is it nap time yet?

Root Menu

breathe

cuddle

breathe

feel

focus

work

eat

sleep

breathe

slowly i face myself

not with shame

but in forgiveness

depression lies

truth sets us free

breathe

be

be still

be still and know

be still and know that I am

“be still and know that I am God”

be still and know that I am

be still and know

be still

be

breathe

forgive

love

live

return.

Run like a mother with Enell

Saturday I got up early and headed out for another 5K.  It was the “Run Like a Mother” 5k around one of our many MN lakes, (so many of our lakes seem to be nearly 5K around).

Up early and ready to run


The views were lovely but it was surprisingly hilly.
I didn’t come to this 5K with anyone to walk or run with.  I started out jogging and walking quickly.  My knee felt good and I walked the hills and tried to jog on flat stretches.

About a mile and a half into the race I fell into step with another woman who I learned was named Sandy. It turns out that she was one of the first fire fighters in her town and was a firefighter for over 20 years.

We ended up finishing the race together and encouraging each other to jog when we could.  She had a bum knee too so we were a good pair.  Though my overall pace slowed slightly joining her, it was a much more enjoyable experience for me.

Even though I still walked most of the race, I knocked six minutes off of my time from last month’s 5K.  Slowly but surely I am improving.

I am a mother runner!

I had the opportunity to run this race thanks to my work with Enell bras.  As always my Enell bra kept me supported and going strong.  All opinions and experiences are my own.

The hidden voice

9 times out of 10 I am aware that I am a strong, confident, independent woman.  I recognize that I am beautiful for who I am and I know that I contribute in a positive way to the lives of others.  9 times out of 10 I know that I am a good  mom, or at least that I keep TRYING to be a good mom which is most of the battle.  9 times out of 10 I am able to see things objectively and give myself plenty of grace while still holding myself accountable for my own choices.

And then there is that 10th time.

It never seems to  start with food, (though food is often used as a means to cope when in fact it makes things worse.)  It starts with doubt.  It starts with me doubting who I am, that I am enough for the tasks inf ront of me, that I am enough period.  On that 10th time all I see is my failures and flaws.  I feel deeply broken and impossibly alone.  It is hard to describe the certainty with which I feel this when rationally I know it is basically crazy.  And when I get back out of it and see things a bit more clearly I can see the truth – Depression lies.

The challenge with depression however is that you are fighting with your own head, and your head already knows your greatest weaknesses.  It knows the worries you carry in your heart and how to exploit them.  To fight depression is to fight against yourself, and it is also to fight for yourself.  It is virtually impossible to recognize your worth when each thought of yours is reminding you of all that you lack.

The triggers for these days are varied.  Sometimes they are obvious (hi there hormones), and other times they come without warning (a little PTSD trigger here, a cruel comment there).  Sometimes, if you are lucky, it lasts a few hours or a day.  Other times it lasts for a week or more.  During that time I do my best to keep up the facade that I am fine – I take care of the kids, I do the dishes, I do my work – but the reality is I want to crawl into a bed and not come out until I feel better.

And I eat and I hide.

When I first started meds three years ago I assumed that they would clear up these days.  That they would simply not exist any more.  What the meds do is lessen the severity and the length of these times, but there are still days when it seems impossibly hard to be me.  Meds don’t solve the problem, but they do give you a life preserver to help you weather the storm when it hits.

As I re-emerge from these periods I feel sheepish.  I know better than to believe myself at those times, yet I so easily become trapped in the well of despair.  When I emerge I have to take stock of what I’ve missed, and what needs addressing – get back on the food wagon, weigh in, work out, face facts.

And yes, ask for help and call for an appointment with the therapist.

Depression lies, but sometimes it is believable.  But I am stronger than the depression and when I am not I am learning how to ask for help.

So if you want to know where I was, it was that 10th time.  It was ugly.  It still is a little ugly, but it is getting better.

Depression lies so there is power in claiming the truth.  I struggle, I overcome, but some days are harder than others.