Ruining family photos.

Last month, we went back to Minneapolis for a weekend visit. I miss my sisters so much. For being only 5ish hours away, it feels like oceans.

While we were there, we were able to get a last minute photography session for family pictures with the photographer that did our wedding. We went to a fairly urban part of Minneapolis and I was excited for how they would turn out.

Flash forward to last week.

I got the link for the photos, typed in the password and began to scroll through each picture one by one. And as I scrolled to the pictures my heart sank deeper and deeper. As I looked at myself in each of the pictures, I realized the true depths of what I have done to myself over the past couple of years.

For as much as I had thought that nobody noticed. 
That it didn’t look that bad. 
That you couldn’t really tell. 
That I was hiding it well. 
That people weren’t noticing.
That it was just a little bit of weight.

All I could think about is how I ruined the pictures. I ruined the family photos – our first ever and they are ruined. Francisco looks so amazing, Carlos looks handsome and then there is me. Back to what I was. No longer what I had worked so hard to achieve.


For as much as I have been “trying” this last month, trying but failing. Every day waking up with good intentions. And then something happens followed by a series of poor health decisions. I decide to skip the gym. I decide to give in to one more serving. I decide to give in to the temptation of foods I know are unhealthy. Good intentions mean nothing when I don’t follow through with them. Trying means nothing when there are no results that are followed up with it. I can come up with all the excuses I want but it doesn’t matter when it just leads to covering up the reality that has become.

I can blog all I want, read all the positive you can do it comments and all the supportive feedback but none of it matters if it goes nowhere.

None of this matters if I just continue to allow myself to live in denial.

Until I see the pictures. Me starting at myself, the truth right in front of my eyes. How easy it is to quickly close the website and go back to pretending. How easy it is to quickly close the window and go back to hiding. How easy it is to not share the pictures with anyone. After all, if I don’t share the pictures, then no one will know. That’s how this works, right?

Then I can just come here and whine whine whine.



Sweating at 4:30am

Francisco woke up this morning at 3:45. He usually wakes up between 3:30am and 4:30am – sometimes he goes back to sleep with little effort, other times he goes back to sleep after a bottle. This morning, like every other morning for the last 6.5 months, I waited a few minutes to see if he would go back to sleep. He didn’t. So I got up and tried rocking him. Didn’t work. I gave him a bottle at about 4 a.m. And then I did something I’ve never done before.

I went to the gym.


At 4:20 in the morning I left the cozy place I call home, went outside and walked a half a block to the gym. Then I got on the elliptical. It felt goooooooodddd. Oh Lord, it felt good. I mean, yes I was tired. But it felt so good to wake up and go to the gym.

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and then did about 20 minutes of chest/tricep weights.  By 5:20am I was back home. Got the coffee maker started (it’s auto-set to start at 5:45am) and took Iggy for a quick walk. And by 5:35am I was in the shower. I had enough time to wash a few dishes from the night before, sip coffee, make eggs, get Francisco ready for daycare and most importantly, NOT RUSH through the morning.

I’ll likely be asleep under my desk at 2pm this afternoon however this morning, I made it to the gym.

Small victories. Jen-white-1-300x106


Fighting against the current.

It’s a rainy day here in Milwaukee.screenshot_20160930-100748

As I was driving to work this morning, I started thinking about my struggles with healthiness. I feel like I’ve done better with my eating this week and while it’s not squeaky clean, whole30, rabbit food, it’s been significantly better than in recent months. Almost all week, I did not give in to excuses around my eating. I did not justify poor eating because I was running from meeting to meeting, was too tired, or other reasons that again would have been just plain excuses.

But I also think it’s going to take a lot more to get back to a healthy life, which includes a healthy weight. So then, the question popped into my head…

How bad do I want it?

How important is it to me to be healthy. Is being healthy more important than the choices I’m making now? What am I willing to do different? Am I willing to make what I may currently perceive as sacrifices now because I know once I get the healthiness ball rolling, it will be more of a norm, and won’t feel like a sacrifice. Right now, all my decisions have a snowball effect into one negative consequence. Being unhealthy. These decisions may seem individually small and unimportant (a poor choice here, a poor choice there) but they all add up to one big huge result. Unhealthiness. It feels like I’m trying to move a mountain, but probably because right now, I am fighting against the current. Each small decision I make, each decision that is better than what I would have previously make, each decision that fights against the current, is what makes a difference. Because together, the collective whole, will get me to where I want to be.

So the question I need to continue to ask myself, every time I think this one choice may not be a big deal, I just have to ask myself how important is being healthy to me.






Back to Tracking

Happy Monday!

The weekend flew by, as does most weekends. It was so beautiful here in Milwaukee. I did a 20min home yoga video on Friday night and then Francisco and I met a friend and her boys at Harvest Fest on Saturday morning. We also took a lot of walks both Saturday and Sunday.  All weekend, I tried really hard to pay attention to my eating this weekend. I mentioned in one of my posts last week I know I not only need to focus on getting more movement in my day, I also need to work on my eating. On Saturday, even though we were at the fair from 9:30am until 1:15pm, I skipped eating from any of the fried food vendors and instead came home to have lunch. Usually, I would have just allowed myself to eat there because it was “lunch time.” Small victory.

I spent a few hours on Sunday preparing food for this week. I roasted chicken, cauliflower, made an egg bake and made some meatballs for Francisco. I bought a few different Chopped salads from Dole which make grabbing a salad so easy during the week, I just add chicken and I’m done. I’m also back to tracking this morning using my trusty DietMinder journal. I’ve gone through multiple of these over the years. But, one change I’m making is NOT recording calories. I really want to focus on the foods I eat, the quality of foods, not the calories. I don’t want to fall into a low-calorie diet mentality again.


Over the weekend, I fixed the blog so that my posts will show up on the front now. You can still find archive entries from other PriorFatgirls from the menu at the top.

Francisco was up every 3 hours last night so tonight will an early bed time for me. I’m looking forward to it already!