I’m okay, you’re okay – WE ARE OKAY.

No matter how frustrated I get.
No matter how many times I feel like I’ve failed at this whole healthiness thing.
No matter how often I struggle.

I still know that I am okay. I have an amazing husband and an amazing little boy who is growing way too quickly.

My weight does not define me. My struggles do not imply that I should just give up. Being healthy isn’t just something we can do, check the box, and be done with. For so many people, including myself, being healthy will be lifelong. I will never just “be healthy.”

Every day is a new opportunity to try, try again. Every day, I wake up with good intent. And while good intent doesn’t automatically translate to everything working out like I had planned, I am so thankful that despite my failures, I have not given up.

I can only imagine how it can be from an outsider. This blog has been here for TEN YEARS. And what have I accomplished in ten years? A lot, actually. I am not perfect, I struggle. But I am okay. We are all okay, despite whatever we are struggling with.

Mayday, mayday

um.

Who knows what happened.

Excuses happened. A bunch of them.

I posted last about the # 16 that I fought for. And then, I lost all momentum. It wasn’t even a slow decrease. It was just one day I woke up and ate the world. And did not stop.

The last however many weeks (more like MONTHS!)  since that post has been a mind numbing, zombie feeling of just going through the motions. I have no idea what triggered it but I feel like I am eating myself to death and cannot stop myself. The scale hasn’t really moved, I am not gaining weight, but that’s solely because I eat ridiculous and then attempt to over compensate. I know this is a horrible thing to do because it just makes it worse, it makes an binge imminent.

Every night I go to sleep with the same thoughts swirling in my head…

  • I have to get control. This is my life.
  • I want to be a good role model for Francisco.
  • I need to be healthy for myself.
  • I need to start my day with a workout; that will set a positive tone for the day.
  • I need to focus my eating tomorrow on healthy foods that are beneficial, not crap food.
  • I know I’m doing this to myself, I only have myself to blame. I have to stop. 

I feel like there are all these sirens going off and yet I’m just stuck in a corner. Frozen. Paralyzed. Powerless.

WHAT HAPPENED?

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

16.

16.

The hardest 16 ever!

The scale shows 16lbs down and I’m feeling a groove. I am getting to the gym more and more in the mornings now that Francisco is FINALLY sleeping through the night. I haven’t gotten into hitting the gym every morning but progress is progress.

It’s been nice a couple weekends in a row now, so I’ve gotten in a couple runs in on the weekends. It’s such a good feeling going out for a run and then coming home to have coffee and breakfast outside. Francisco LOVES to be outside.

We are starting to explore Milwaukee a little more, now that it’s nice. A couple weekends ago, we went to the zoo and Francisco was memorized by the animals.

We have also started to explore parks nearby. We don’t have anyt within walking distance but luckily don’t have to drive too far. Francisco doesn’t really run around the park too much, he just wants to play with and throw the wood chips around.  

I can’t wait until we are in a house later this summer – we are just starting to look now and there are so many amazing houses in the Milwaukee area. It will be great to have a yard again, to have space again.

We were supposed to go back to Minneapolis this weekend however Francisco is teething HARD. He is getting his canine teeth and these seem to be the hardest out of all of them for him. Poor little guy. He isn’t sleeping right, isn’t eating normal, is cranky and moody — all the stuff that comes with teething. I decided it was best to just keep him home in his normal routine, in his own bed and where we can try to keep him on somewhat of a normal schedule.

I got a Fitbit so it helps encourage me throughout the day, watching the steps add up. I don’t think I realized how sedentary my job really was. I’ve done multiple challenges with my sisters, who each also have Fitbits. I talk to my sisters often but the challenges mean we are in touch ALL DAY LONG, ha! Speaking of steps, I need to get up and get some water – catch ya’ll later!

Have a great weekend!

Moving past the fog of unhealthiness.

When I am unhealthy, I can often look back and recognize a fog. A mental fog that weighs me down so much, it becomes a physical attribute. I don’t necessarily notice it every minute of every day. But it’s there. Lingering.  A constant sluggish feeling that hovers over my life. Like I’m always playing catch-up. Moments experienced through a tinted filter. The opposite, when I’m in a really good place with my health, is a refreshing feeling. I feel light, quick to respond. Experiences are crisp and sharp. I feel free.

I want to be healthy for myself.
I want to be healthy for Francisco.
I want to be healthy for my marriage.

I want to be healthy. Healthy physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. I want to feel free in life; not weighed down by the fog of unhealthiness. I want to rise above the haze I often feel as a result of my unhealthiness.

I worked out 3 times last week and so far, 2 times this week. Sunday, I made it to the gym even though Carlos was out town (usually I would use this as an excuse to not workout.) I dropped Francisco off at the daycare and even though he hated it, I took the 30min for myself to sweat. This morning I also went. At 5am. Which meant Carlos got up with Francisco. Carlos is more of a night owl (I am the early bird) so I appreciate Carlos being willing to wake up and hang with Francisco.

2 times this week. Not as much as I’d like but I’m still taking it as progress. We are going back to Minneapolis tomorrow so I my goal will be to work out before a half-day of work which will get me to 3 times this week.  Although in the back of my mind, I still continue to crave getting up to 5 times a week.

I’m tracking my food. I’m focusing on being balanced and while I still need to work on decreasing my fat macro, I’m doing very well with not overdosing on processed carbs every day. My eating focus is eating balanced, real food. Not low calorie, not low fat, not some fad diet. Just balanced protein, healthy carbs and good fat.

It’s a slow uphill battle. Fighting toward healthiness when unhealthy habits seem to feed off each other. One decision in the morning can throw the rest of the day off kilter and seem absolutely impossible. Every day can start with the same good intentions but intentions don’t mean much if it isn’t followed up with action. 

Every day, the goal is to continue to move past the fog of unhealthiness.