Jen, a priorfatgirl

My therapist and I have been talking lately about how busy my mind is, all the time. Part of it is habit. In my mid-twenties, I worked my full time job, a part time job and went to full time school for my undergrad. I went right from my undergrad to grad program and never stopped to think about breathing.

Out of our conversations, my therapist recommended I work on quiet, alone time. While it sounds good, I really struggle with this. On one side, I feel an intense desire to slow down and just be. To find the center of my life and focus. I so deeply desire to find peace within myself. But the thought of slowing down terrifies me. How boring it must be. What would I do? When I attempt to take even just a few moments a day, I struggle. The minute I begin to sit still, in that initial 2 or 3 seconds of quiet, alone time, all the thoughts of what I could be, should be doing creep in and frustration takes over. What was and is suppose to be moments of quiet become an internal argument:

Calm. Think of nothing.
Ugh. I can’t forget to clean the downstairs bathroom.
No. Don’t think of anything else. Just think of black space.
I could probably vacuum quick, before I go to bed.
No. Don’t think of anything else. Just think of black space.
Oh shoot. I forgot to send email that candidate back.
No. Don’t think of anything else. Just think of black space.
I wonder if Carlos wants to see a movie this weekend…

It’s a very frustrating experience, going back and forth. Even after only a few minutes, I give up and just go do something. I understand this sounds crazy and I’m completely prepared for ya’ll to tell me I’ve lost it.

To help me, my therapist suggest a book called Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanb. Now if you know me, and have read my blog for awhile, you know my history with books. I really really want to develop a habit of reading books. I’ve started more books than I’d like to admit and in fact, if I’m really honest, I’d tell you I haven’t finished ONE SINGLE BOOK in over a year and a half. My frustration with reading is that even while I’m reading, my mind is attempting to multi-task, read fast and think about other things resulting in me forgetting everything I read.

So this time, I’m trying to take it slow. The book is an easy read, thankfully. And, it starts off with a bang:

We are very good at preparing to live , but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.

Funny thing, I’ve read the first 3 pages over and over again in the past week, just to make sure I’m comprehending.

I believe my healthiness, struggles and all, are tied to my inner peace. I believe finding inner peace is a lot harder than it sounds. And I believe while I may not get it right the first time, or the second time, or the thirteenth time, I believe that one day, I’ll find my peace.

{ 23 comments }

You want to know something? I don’t know how to say this other than to just lay it all out there.

I stopped tracking.

I’ve been meaning to tell you this all week but the truth is, I feel like a flip-flopper. Like a this way one day and a that way the next. But it isn’t like that at all. You want to know why?

Because I haven’t needed to track, I’ve been very aware of my eating consciously and partially intuitively. I say partially because the truth is, I have grabbed a few extra pieces of chocolate each day, more than I “needed” to — but I was completely aware of what I was doing. It wasn’t mindless eating, nor was it emotion-induced inhaling.

It all started about 2 weeks ago when I was getting ready to go to my third Weight Watchers meeting. I had signed up online and was suppose to bring my registration information. So, in typical last-minute fashion, about 10 minutes before I was suppose to leave, I scrambled to find the registration information to bring with me. I couldn’t figure out where I was suppose to find it in my online account information so I ended up calling Weight Watchers. The customer service representative was so nice as she explained that I had actually only signed up for the online membership which did not include weekly meetings. To add weekly meetings, I’d have had to pay an additional monthly fee, which unfortunately, we weren’t in a financial place for me to do.

At first, I got really frustrated. The whole point in me doing Weight Watchers was…

1. Weekly accountability
2. Tracking

The next day, I woke up and forgot to track. Maybe it was subconsciously yet purposefully forgetting to track but I really did just space it out. The same thing happened the next day. And the next day. It was only four days after that I realized I had forgot to track and that I survived not tracking, didn’t go crazy and in fact, had done pretty good. “Pretty good” meant that I had ate food, when hungry, with no emotional eating or binging. Sure, maybe I didn’t eat everything perfectly balanced all the time but there was no over-indulgence in those four days.

It dawned on me, maybe I was okay not tracking for awhile. I didn’t talk about it here because honestly, sometimes, I just want to do things without describing ever moment of my thought process. Sometimes, I feel like the more I begin to rip apart something, the more obsessed I get with something. And I really just wanted to let it happen naturally. So I did. It’s been 10 days since I last tracked.

But don’t be fooled by non-tracking. I believe that sometimes, tracking my eats is what keeps me sane. And other times, tracking my eats is what drives me insane.

As for Weight Watchers? I still love the program and love the concept. Even though I’m not counting points or tracking this exact moment, the fundamental concept of more veggies is a driving factor in my decisions. I may not always make the most balanced decision but I do what I can.

Things worth noting:

• Sometimes when I post, I feel like my thoughts are so scrambled. Even when I re-read things, I am not quite sure my thoughts make sense when using letters to describe but I swear, my thoughts make sense in my head. Thanks for reading, even on days when I feel like I’m rambling.
• I’m beyond excited (and slightly nervous) to be speaking this morning at the #JMU612 Meet-Up about Social Media & Ethics. A #JMU612 Meetup is a monthly get-together where conversations flow regarding PR, marketing and technology topics. If you are interested in attending, follow them on Twitter or on Facebook to learn about the next meetup.
• I’m honored to be on Shape Magazine’s list of most inspiring weight-loss bloggers, especially to be included in with the other bloggers recognized.
• I am thrilled that ELEVEN people signed up for my Blogging for Beginners class through the Minneapolis Community Education program – it was such a good turnout that they’ve asked me to come back again and teach another 5-week session toward the end of April!

{ 13 comments }