Elle, another PriorFatGirl

So a few rounds of CrossFit and guess what? My muscles are so achy I can’t sit without wincing in pain. Don’t get me wrong – I sort of love it. I feel strong, and even though they aren’t exactly visible yet, I can tell I’m starting to develop muscles.

Ok, but back to the pain.

So after about the third day of feeling like I’d been body checked by Team Canada and realizing it wasn’t getting any better, I sent out an SOS via Twitter. Thankfully, fellow-Crossfitter Ashley, of Ash & Diz, heard my plea for help and offered a solution: the Rumble Roller. My gosh, that Rumble Roller has most assuredly saved lives.

Ready to Rumble!

Basically, it’s a foam-roller with little nubs all over it. According to my research (the sum of which I have gathered entirely from the pamphlet that came with the rollers) the little nubs are supposed to resemble a masseur’s thumbs, working out the kinks and knots in your muscles. The usage itself is pretty self-explanatory. Well, I should clarify that. Even though you understand what you’re doing (I’m rolling over this thing to try and restore mobility to my otherwise destroyed body, obvs), others may think you’ve lost your mind. All three of my roommates looked at me like I’d grown a third eye when they saw me in the living room.

“Uh… what are you doing?”

“Surviving. Don’t judge me.”

Ok, here’s the only downside. The Rumble Roller ain’t exactly cheap, but I’m sure if you’re a savvy shopper you can find it cheaper than the retail price of $75. (I know, I know). Still, for muscles sore from a grueling workout – I highly recommend this thing.

Love it!

And there is good news. Crossfit, like any workout regimen, gets easier. Well, easier probably isn’t the word. But your body starts to adjust to the punishment. I’m three weeks in, and even though I still wonder whether my coaches are teaching me to exercise or secretly preparing me for a full-contact cage match, I can truthfully say I’m enjoying the challenge.

You can follow me on Twitter @PFG_Elle

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“That’s all I could think,” I told the girls in my Community Group. “What. Intheworld. Ishappening.”

Up until that very moment, when I was standing behind my sister looking into the mirror with her during one of her final dress fittings this weekend, I hadn’t been the least bit bothered by the fact that she was taking the plunge before me.

In fact, I’ve never spent much time worrying about marriage at all, which I fully regard as a blessing. I know for many women my age, singleness is a bitter, painful struggle. While I sympathize deeply with my girlfriends when they express disappointment and frustration over the “relationship void” in their lives, it wasn’t something I could ever personalize.

But my gosh did it hit me hard that day. My younger sister, beautiful and glowing in yards and yards of buttery-white fabric, practicing her walk down the isle, talking about how she’ll do her hair…

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I don’t begrudge her this excitement – she’s my sister, after all. How can I be anything but happy for her? And yet, I can hear the subtle whisper of fear in the back of my mind… “You’re behind. You’ve screwed up royally somewhere along the line, and you can’t fix it.”

Those thoughts had to be dismissed – I couldn’t risk losing that precious time with my family because of selfishness and bitterness. But later, when all was said and done and I was alone, the thoughts came back.

“With a vengeance,” I told the girls. “And I was so frustrated with myself for letting this bother me. I’m fine, right? I’m still a person, with or without a boyfriend or marriage or whatever else.”

I looked up and found a table full of girls, all looking back at me with compassion and knowing half-smiles. Frances put her arm around me and pulled me close. “Welcome to the club, Elle. Would you like one of our T-shirts?” Laughter. They get it. They get me. And we spend the rest of breakfast swapping stories and encouraging each other – none of us is in this alone.

So I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that the Bible Study I’m working through right now is on the book of Joshua, and that what I’m learning about God’s character is exactly the thing to quell my anxiety.

In Joshua, God commands the Israelites to march around the city of Jericho (an enemy they need to defeat) for seven days in complete silence. On the seventh day, seven priests are to loudly blow into ram’s horns while all the people of Israel shout.

I know what the Israelites had to be thinking. Um, this doesn’t exactly seem like a great plan. Or even a good one. Or even one that will work. How does marching around a heavily armed, double walled city in complete silence supposed to guarantee victory? If anything, the people of Jericho will just thing we’re crazy… or very, very lost.

But on the seventh day, as the priests blew into the ram’s horns and the people of Israel shouted, the stone walls of Jericho crumbled to the ground – nothing was left standing. The city was conquered, and Israel’s enemies were destroyed. The story of their victory spread, and no one else in that area dared touch them or get in their way.

It was never Israel’s job to comprehend the mind of God. Their job was only to obey Him. Humbly, faithfully, even when the plan seemed all wrong and they couldn’t begin to fathom a successful outcome, the job was simply to obey.

For every one thing I can find to complain about, I have 10 things to be thankful for. And even when there’s pain I don’t understand or circumstances that don’t seem to make any sense, I am reminded by scriptures that there is nothing new  under the sun. Being close to God has never guaranteed distance from adversity. I was never promised a life full of all the plans and things that I think are best.

Rather, the thing to grasp is joy, which is far better than ephemeral happiness. Joy, which is the product of confidence in God’s unchanging character. So for today, I’ll walk in obedience – being intentionally grateful for the path He has determined for me, because He has promised that it will carve me into the woman he wants me to be.

And where, in all those good things, do I have time for bitterness?

(A friend sent me this post this morning. The girl who wrote it seems to be having a similar experience, and even referenced the same part of scripture! Go figure!)

You can follow me on Twitter @PFG_Elle

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