Mayday, mayday

um.

Who knows what happened.

Excuses happened. A bunch of them.

I posted last about the # 16 that I fought for. And then, I lost all momentum. It wasn’t even a slow decrease. It was just one day I woke up and ate the world. And did not stop.

The last however many weeks (more like MONTHS!)  since that post has been a mind numbing, zombie feeling of just going through the motions. I have no idea what triggered it but I feel like I am eating myself to death and cannot stop myself. The scale hasn’t really moved, I am not gaining weight, but that’s solely because I eat ridiculous and then attempt to over compensate. I know this is a horrible thing to do because it just makes it worse, it makes an binge imminent.

Every night I go to sleep with the same thoughts swirling in my head…

  • I have to get control. This is my life.
  • I want to be a good role model for Francisco.
  • I need to be healthy for myself.
  • I need to start my day with a workout; that will set a positive tone for the day.
  • I need to focus my eating tomorrow on healthy foods that are beneficial, not crap food.
  • I know I’m doing this to myself, I only have myself to blame. I have to stop. 

I feel like there are all these sirens going off and yet I’m just stuck in a corner. Frozen. Paralyzed. Powerless.

WHAT HAPPENED?

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Comments

  1. Tiffany Hartz says:

    Yes this, me to Jen!!!

  2. Julie Bruder says:

    Me too! Been this way for a very long time. I feel helpless to myself.

  3. OMG I am sooo sorry. The out of control feeling is a nightmare. Please try meditation, it really does help. I wish you all the best and hope that your beautiful spirit finds its way back to a path that makes you happy and feeling safe.

  4. You are a new-and working-mom! This happens. I don’t know why…lack of sleep, too many thoughts in the brain, the desire for consistency and yet new also AT THE SAME TIME. It’s crazy. And makes you feel crazy. And you know you’re not…but…maybe… I used to fall asleep with the same thoughts (yes, it gets better, every day, a little bit). I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Maybe a plan: if I can’t get out of bed for a “proper” workout, I’m going to spend 5-10-15 minutes doing this: yoga, HIIT, weights, whatever. Ease into it during these hard times. Because they/it will get easier. And it won’t be the last time that mommy brain takes over. Good luck!!

    I hope this helps!
    Long time reader, glad to have you posting again!

  5. JANIS SCHIFTER says:

    Uncontrollable eating is one of the dreadful things so many of us deal with. Just try to keep foods nearby that are good for you. I know that is not an easy task but try it for three days at first, then move to five and so on. I have lost 18 since end of April. May was birthday moth and did not lose much but did not gain. We are all in this together! Take good care of yourself!

  6. JUST START. “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” ~Mark Twain

    I write this as much for myself as I do for you. I promise I’ll get up tomorrow and work out (even if it’s just a walk) so that my daughter knows it’s important to me to keep my body active. Then I’ll pack as healthy a lunch for myself as I do for her because I want her to know that my nutrition is important to me too.

    We just have to START.

  7. I’m not even sure how I just found you, but I did. I too stopped writing awhile ago. It was during that time I actually lost weight, then gained most of it back. Now I am trying to get inspired again, and blogs like yours help. Keep writing, keep being honest, and your pounds will drop again. Weight loss is much more than eating right and working out. You need to recognize the good feeling you get when you are taking care of yourself, and try to remember how good it feels and continue. Good luck.

  8. Don’t wait for it ALL to get better. Just give yourself 3 hrs and say.. my next snack, next meal, next choice will be better. You can do this.

  9. I don’t usually comment but I’m a new mom and I wanted to suggest..could you possibly be dealing with late stage PPD? It sounds like you have a decent amount of anxiety and I’m wondering if this is still related to the birth. Perhaps you can dig up a PPD symptom checklist online? I think this is less about the weight but more about the mental side of it. Good luck mama, hang in there

  10. Usedtobeafan says:

    Looks like you had that skin surgery WAY too soon. Issues are unresolved. Excuses remain just like before you lost weight. I think you need to either get with the program and be healthy, or accept that you have given up and are going to be one of those sloppy moms who drop off their kid at school in pajamas and a messy bun. Eat the donuts or don’t, but stop pretending to be some pinnacle of health when you aren’t.

    • Jen, a priorfatgirl says:

      THANK GOD for you comment. What an insightful piece of feedback you’ve gifted me. Thank you so much for your opinion.

    • Dear Trite Bitch (aka usedtobeafan),

      Why hide behind anonymous if you have all this life shit figured out? Why don’t you come sare with the rest of the world how perfection is REALLY done? What’s the name of your blog/fb/insta, I would love to see what it’s like living on that lonely pedestal you’ve placed yourself on. You may have it all figured out on the outside, but you should really get to work on that ugly heart of yours. How pathetic you must feel ABOUT YOURSELF to come up on here and degrade someone else, who you clearly don’t even know!
      Joy, A real life fan of Jen since birth!

  11. Hi Jen! I’m a longtime reader of yours – I found your blog in September 2010 after my first ever Weight Watchers meeting. The scale that day said 215 pounds and I was devastated. At 5’7, that’s slightly forgiving, but not much at all – I was overweight and miserable and felt like 24 was too early to let my life go on that way. Through the help of your blog, Weight Watchers and a lot of determination, I got down to 155lbs for my wedding day in February 2011. I maintained that loss until I found out I was pregnant January 2013.

    I gained 65 pounds during my pregnancy. The day I left the hospital, I weighed myself – and I saw 216 staring back at me. It felt like every pound I fought for was for nothing, and I was in a terrible place post-partum. You’d think that would have been enough for me to be motivated, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t until My daughter turned 1 that I really had an epiphany:

    “What if I just took this one day at a time and didn’t think about tomorrow? What if I just thought abut my meals for the day…for my exercise that day.”

    This second time around has been HARD. Terrible sleep, far less time, far harder job. Terrible depression (which I got on medication for).

    You are at a really hard stage right now with Fancisco being so young. It makes weight loss twice as hard because your emotions are twice as amplified. You’re sleeping less, thinking about yourself less, and doing more with less.

    I wish I had great advice for you, but all I can say is: waiting until my daughter got a little bit older made focusing on my weight loss much easier. That first year, I just focused on getting my activity up and not changing my diet, so I didn’t lose weight – BUT, it started me on better habits. So maybe I do have some advice :-). Focus on things one day, and one habit, at a time.

    I’m so glad you’re blogging again – we’re here for you!

  12. I’ve been there, wasn’t all that long ago. I struggled when I didn’t see results. It all felt horribly unfair and I just wanted to eat everything in sight. So I did. When I didn’t gain weight I felt vindicated, but still mad. I noticed my blood sugar crashing, and had a bad feeling about where I was headed. My next physical showed that I was diabetic (not a huge shock for me or my Dr given that I had gestational diabetes 13 years before and my bg had been steadily rising). But it sucked. I kicked myself into gear, began cardio exercise 5x per week, eliminated sugar, kept my carbs low to moderate. And guess what? I lost a minimal amount of weight.

    It’s infuriating – the feeling that you work so hard, and people are still looking into your grocery cart and silently judging you for the contents. But I’m finally sticking to an eating & exercise plan for a reason outside of how much I weigh, and that’s made all the difference. That said, I’m still bitter most days that the scale remains the same.

  13. I seriously am I the same exact boat and thought process you are. I have self diagnosed myself with a behavioral health mental issue. It’s crazy as I KNOW the SHIT I am eating is not good for me, but yet I continue to eat it. It’s a viscous cycle. Hang in there girlie….

  14. I’m in the same exact boat. I have the best intentions but I can’t stick with it. My weight keeps creeping up and up. I’m literally disgusted with myself and all I want to do is eat. You’re not alone.

  15. Pamela Lichtenwalner says:

    Hello! Long time reader, although I don’ thing I’ve ever commented. Keep on trying! Being healthy is a journey, one that many of us struggle with day in and day out. A year ago I had lost 40 pounds (baby weight), and then gained 20 back in one year. I realized that starving myself was not the answer (that’s how I lost 40, and it was great to see progress so quickly, but certainly not sustainable.) I’ve started the Trim Healthy Mama approach, and it really is life changing. You do have to give up sugar (and they recommend some sugar replacements, but I do not use them. I have a treat now and then- very rarely, like once a week. But you get over your sweet tooth and actually, after 6 weeks, real sugary stuff just doesn’t taste that great anymore.) Anyway, find what works for you, stick to it, and be healthy! Good luck!

  16. Amazing Keep it up

  17. I am learning a lot from your blog!

Speak Your Mind

*