Last month, we went back to Minneapolis for a weekend visit. I miss my sisters so much. For being only 5ish hours away, it feels like oceans.
While we were there, we were able to get a last minute photography session for family pictures with the photographer that did our wedding. We went to a fairly urban part of Minneapolis and I was excited for how they would turn out.
Flash forward to last week.
I got the link for the photos, typed in the password and began to scroll through each picture one by one. And as I scrolled to the pictures my heart sank deeper and deeper. As I looked at myself in each of the pictures, I realized the true depths of what I have done to myself over the past couple of years.
For as much as I had thought that nobody noticed.
That it didn’t look that bad.
That you couldn’t really tell.
That I was hiding it well.
That people weren’t noticing.
That it was just a little bit of weight.
All I could think about is how I ruined the pictures. I ruined the family photos – our first ever and they are ruined. Francisco looks so amazing, Carlos looks handsome and then there is me. Back to what I was. No longer what I had worked so hard to achieve.
For as much as I have been “trying” this last month, trying but failing. Every day waking up with good intentions. And then something happens followed by a series of poor health decisions. I decide to skip the gym. I decide to give in to one more serving. I decide to give in to the temptation of foods I know are unhealthy. Good intentions mean nothing when I don’t follow through with them. Trying means nothing when there are no results that are followed up with it. I can come up with all the excuses I want but it doesn’t matter when it just leads to covering up the reality that has become.
I can blog all I want, read all the positive you can do it comments and all the supportive feedback but none of it matters if it goes nowhere.
None of this matters if I just continue to allow myself to live in denial.
Until I see the pictures. Me starting at myself, the truth right in front of my eyes. How easy it is to quickly close the website and go back to pretending. How easy it is to quickly close the window and go back to hiding. How easy it is to not share the pictures with anyone. After all, if I don’t share the pictures, then no one will know. That’s how this works, right?
Then I can just come here and whine whine whine.