There is a Doc McStuffin’s episode where Doc has a bad dream and doesn’t want to go back to sleep. The toys eventually help her diagnosis her illness (the scary-scares? I forget.) and together they work through the cause (the monster from her book) and the solution (they finish the story and get to the happy ending) so that Doc can go back to sleep without fear of more nightmares.
What, I have a toddler, I don’t get out much….
Anyway, as I was blogging, in the episode Doc is afraid to go back to sleep because she is afraid of having a bad dream again. Her fear keeps her from doing the thing she knows she needs and truly wants to be doing, aka sleep. Fear is a cruel thing, and I am starting to realize just how much control it has over my life, even when I am not actively feeling afraid or anxious.
The last time I was actively losing weight and pushing myself to make goals and keep growing and thriving, I feeling good and strong. I was signed up for a half marathon at Walt Disney World, I was losing weight regularly and my activity kept my weight loss moving in the right direction and gave me the option of the occasional splurge. It was working.
And then life intervened. I tore my meniscus in my knee, shortly after experiencing a baker’s cyst on my knee from the Susan G Komen 3 Day walk. I was unable to run or do much exercise for 6 weeks. I spent money on PT that helped and did my exercises, but I hit a plateau. I had a few gains and I lost confidence. I experienced a few episodes of binging. Fall and winter started and as the sun left my depression too hold and the binging continued. The exercise never really resumed and a short 8 months later all the weight I had lost had been re-gained and all the confidence I had gained had been lost. There was more too it than just that of course, there always is, but that is the short story of it all.
Since that time I have been working to get out of the cycle of binging and depression and I have successfully broken that and have been in a good place for a few weeks, even months now. It is not perfect and there are hard days still, but it is SO. MUCH. BETTER.
But the reality, is that I am afraid to take next step into active weight loss again. On paper we’ve been trying for a few months now, but in my heart, I am not fully committed, because my heart and my head are still afraid. Afraid of failing and falling again. I know the clawing it took just to dig out of the bad space I was in, but I also know the benefit and desire to be in a place of confidence, joy and strength again. I want to be there.
So I to dream a dream that will be bigger than the fear, but somehow I feel even too scared to dream dreams. Like I stop and pause and think about where I’d like to be in 5 years and I get…. *crickets* ….. ….. ….. …. …. ….
So I go to one year and I think and …. … … .. .. . . .
I have been operating in survival mode, and work mode and family mode for so long, I don’t even know what I want for me any more. And I’m afraid of figuring it out because to do so is just another opportunity for me to fail.
It is ridiculous I know, to make that assumption and have that attitude before I even begin. And it sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t want that either, so perhaps that is why I don’t dream and make those goals, so I won’t make them until I am ready to complete them and succeed? But I want to be ready. How do I get rid of the fear and dream again?