Fear of Dreams

There is a Doc McStuffin’s episode where Doc has a bad dream and doesn’t want to go back to sleep.  The toys eventually help her diagnosis her illness (the scary-scares? I forget.) and together they work through the cause (the monster from her book) and the solution (they finish the story and get to the happy ending) so that Doc can go back to sleep without fear of more nightmares.

What, I have a toddler, I don’t get out much….

Anyway, as I was blogging, in the episode Doc is afraid to go back to sleep because she is afraid of having a bad dream again.  Her fear keeps her from doing the thing she knows she needs and truly wants to be doing, aka sleep.  Fear is a cruel thing, and I am starting to realize just how much control it has over my life, even when I am not actively feeling afraid or anxious.

The last time I was actively losing weight and pushing myself to make goals and keep growing and thriving, I feeling good and strong.  I was signed up for a half marathon at Walt Disney World, I was losing weight regularly and my activity kept my weight loss moving in the right direction and gave me the option of the occasional splurge.  It was working.

And then life intervened.  I tore my meniscus in my knee, shortly after experiencing a baker’s cyst on my knee from the Susan G Komen 3 Day walk.  I was unable to run or do much exercise for 6 weeks.  I spent money on PT that helped and did my exercises, but I hit a plateau.  I had a few gains and I lost confidence.  I experienced a few episodes of binging.  Fall and winter started and as the sun left my depression too hold and the binging continued.  The exercise never really resumed and a short 8 months later all the weight I had lost had been re-gained and all the confidence I had gained had been lost.  There was more too it than just that of course, there always is, but that is the short story of it all.

Since that time I have been working to get out of the cycle of binging and depression and I have successfully broken that and have been in a good place for a few weeks, even months now.  It is not perfect and there are hard days still, but it is SO. MUCH. BETTER.

But the reality, is that I am afraid to take next step into active weight loss again.  On paper we’ve been trying for a few months now, but in my heart, I am not fully committed, because my heart and my head are still afraid.  Afraid of failing and falling again.  I know the clawing it took just to dig out of the bad space I was in, but I also know the benefit and desire to be in a place of confidence, joy and strength again.  I want to be there.

So I to dream a dream that will be bigger than the fear, but somehow I feel even too scared to dream dreams.  Like I stop and pause and think about where I’d like to be in 5 years and I get…. *crickets* ….. ….. ….. …. …. ….

So I go to one year and I think and …. … … .. .. . . .

I have been operating in survival mode, and work mode and family mode for so long, I don’t even know what I want for me any more.  And I’m afraid of figuring it out because to do so is just another opportunity for me to fail.

It is ridiculous I know, to make that assumption and have that attitude before I even begin.  And it sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I don’t want that either, so perhaps that is why I don’t dream and make those goals, so I won’t make them until I am ready to complete them and succeed?  But I want to be ready.  How do I get rid of the fear and dream again?

Anyone know?

Comments

  1. Girl, if you find it… can you share it? I have accomplished so much, done stuff that scares other people (skydiving, relocating to the otherside of the country by myself) and I am afraid to dream and reach for them.

  2. This hits home with me right now because I’m caught in a similar cycle of negative-binge-restrict-stress-mylifeIcan’teven, and I think I’ve finally broken out of the funk by just telling myself to take it one choice at a time. It sounds scary, because I’d been so caught up on the worst choices/moments I’d been making; those moments after a binge, where I wished I could take it all back; the moment when I weighed myself on the scale in the morning; the moments where I felt weakest and was like “I might as well X because Y.” But it’s becoming easier when I think to myself about how worthwhile I am to myself. Am I worth taking an extra minute or two to self care? Yes. Is that selfish? No. Am I worth taking a three minute shower in the morning, even though that means the dog will get her breakfast three minutes late and I’ll have to hustle three minutes faster? Yep. I am. Maybe dinner will be three minutes later on the table because I took three minutes to sit down with a cup of tea after getting home from work, just to chill for a minute. And that’s okay. No one seems to really notice, but it means so much to me…. and I think I was afraid that I wouldn’t find myself worthy of self-care if I took a minute to give it to myself.

    I’m worth it, and that mantra is gradually getting me out of my own little funk. I hope you can find a way to not be afraid and do the same. Rootin’ for ya, ma’am!

  3. I had to set down my binge foods- sugars and grains. Then, after 6-8 weeks and a coach that came with my meal plan, I found clarity and could do the work.

    Now abstaining for 5 years, the nightmares have ended. Although I still get waves of memories from heavy binge eating for 40 Easters, Higher Power lets me deal with that, guilt free and my brain and body are free.

    Onward and removing my root binge causes (I”m not a bad person, I have extra hunger hormone spill out- it’s biology) and eating non-binge food. And the wisdom to stop the eat, repent, repeat cycle.

    Good Friday, indeed!!!! Happy Easter to you and the family.

  4. Something that helped me a while back with this type of issue (in work/career rather than weight loss, but techniques are similar) was a workshop where we envisioned the following:
    What does success look like? Write down 3-5 different scenarios that you would consider versions of “success” (in order to grasp that success can occur in multiple ways and forms).
    What does “failure” look like? How does “failure” differ from “not trying”? Does it differ in any meaningful way? If so, how will you remove or reduce the cost of trying? (the ‘cost’ here can be monetary, emotional, physical, etc).

    Best of luck – J

  5. So I want to shine a little light into your situation… I went through this same cycle some years back. I lost 125 pounds and then life happened. A boy broke my heart. Sweets were my comfort. Everything I had worked so hard for came crashing down and I regained everything plus more. I began to believe that lie that losing weight and getting healthy was impossible. I gave up. I gave in. I stopped dreaming.

    And then one day a hateful person said mean things to me and my dream engine began to rev again. What if I could lose weight? What if I could break the food addiction cycle? What if I could be a new, healthy version of me and re-learn to eat/live/love? And I did it. One day at at time. One choice at a time. You must consider living a healthy lifestyle as just that—-living a healthy lifestyle. It’s not a diet. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible either. Dare to dream, my dear. Dare to dream. And then–just start walking. Or as I always say, “Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming, swimming swimming!”

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