Last night was the winter solstice, the longest night of the year and the official start of winter. Despite the distinct lack of snow in MN, the weather is deary and gray and the light is dim. People scurry around trying to finish holiday preparations and I am amongst them. There are presents to be wrapped (assuming the shipping elves work their promised magic) and plenty left to be done.
My 6 year old has one day left of school and can hardly wait for Christmas morning. I cannot put any wrapped presents under the tree until he falls asleep on Christmas Eve because he simply does not have the self-control yet not to open them when we aren’t looking. The two year old spouts random holiday phrases like a Santa toy that with a broken pull string – “Ho Ho Ho” “Merry Christmas” “Jingle Bells” and “Presents!” she interjects into conversations.
They are joy in the darkness and light too. There have been no Christmas cookies in the house yet, too dangerous. But we’ll make a batch on Christmas Eve for Santa. We’ll go to church and hear E1 sing with his choir. The kids will sleep, Mr. Goat will head back to sing with the adult choir for the late service. I’ll put on “White Christmas” on Netflix and make sure all the presents are wrapped and everything is just so.
It will be good.
People have asked how I am doing here. The truth is, I’m not sure. Some days are good. Some not so good. Some are very hard. I’ve gotten my lab results back from the physician and had good news – all my lab work looks great. With the exception of low vitamin D (hello Minnesota) my thyroid, hormones, glucose, cholesterol and other things all seem to be far healthier than the number on the scale might imply. This is wonderful, but it also leaves me with the understanding that my weight is caused first and foremost by me and my eating. There are no hidden medical causes that have been found so far and nothing to blame but myself.
I have lost a bit of weight. About 5 lbs or so, although I am only weighing myself periodically so that I don’t put too much emphasis on the number but rather focus on eating when I am hungry, stopping when I am full, eating real foods, etc. I’m trying a few new things with my Team too.
I don’t want to make bold predictions because I don’t feel bold enough for them right now. I keep on keeping on figuring out my brain chemistry, my bodies cues and needs, my goals, and the realistic efforts I can make toward them. I keep fighting forward even on days where it seems like a slow crawl.
Right now, my long game is a mess, so my mind is all on the short game. One meal, one day, one week. The fight for a good day after a bad one.
It has been a long night, this 2015, but my hope is that more light is coming, and it will be good.