The Longest Night

Last night was the winter solstice, the longest night of the year and the official start of winter.  Despite the distinct lack of snow in MN, the weather is deary and gray and the light is dim.  People scurry around trying to finish holiday preparations and I am amongst them.  There are presents to be wrapped (assuming the shipping elves work their promised magic) and plenty left to be done.

My 6 year old has one day left of school and can hardly wait for Christmas morning.  I cannot put any wrapped presents under the tree until he falls asleep on Christmas Eve because he simply does not have the self-control yet not to open them when we aren’t looking.   The two year old spouts random holiday phrases like a Santa toy that with a broken pull string – “Ho Ho Ho”  “Merry Christmas” “Jingle Bells” and “Presents!” she interjects into conversations.

They are joy in the darkness and light too.  There have been no Christmas cookies in the house yet, too dangerous.  But we’ll make a batch on Christmas Eve for Santa.  We’ll go to church and hear E1 sing with his choir.  The kids will sleep, Mr. Goat will head back to sing with the adult choir for the late service.  I’ll put on “White Christmas” on Netflix and make sure all the presents are wrapped and everything is just so.

It will be good.

People have asked how I am doing here.  The truth is, I’m not sure.  Some days are good.  Some not so good.  Some are very hard.  I’ve gotten my lab results back from the physician and had good news – all my lab work looks great.  With the exception of low vitamin D (hello Minnesota) my thyroid, hormones, glucose, cholesterol and other things all seem to be far healthier than the number on the scale might imply.  This is wonderful, but it also leaves me with the understanding that my weight is caused first and foremost by me and my eating.  There are no hidden medical causes that have been found so far and nothing to blame but myself.

I have lost a bit of weight.  About 5 lbs or so, although I am only weighing myself periodically so that I don’t put too much emphasis on the number but rather focus on eating when I am hungry, stopping when I am full, eating real foods, etc.  I’m trying a few new things with my Team too.

I don’t want to make bold predictions because I don’t feel bold enough for them right now.  I keep on keeping on figuring out my brain chemistry, my bodies cues and needs, my goals, and the realistic efforts I can make toward them.  I keep fighting forward even on days where it seems like a slow crawl.

Right now, my long game is a mess, so my mind is all on the short game.  One meal, one day, one week.  The fight for a good day after a bad one.

It has been a long night, this 2015, but my hope is that more light is coming, and it will be good.


  1. Christina Paul says:

    Thank you for the update. You have an excellent plan, one thing at a time is the best way. As they say Rome wasn’t built in a day, life changes happen one moment at a time. Merry Christmas!

  2. Shannon Wilson says:

    For me, tracking activity rather than food has worked much better. I guess I feel like I have more control over my activity than food choices. When I focus on the activity I also start to naturally make a bit better food choices, because I feel good about myself and don’t do as mucj emotional eating maybe?

    Anyway, congrats on your health improvement and hard work towards even greater health and self love. Here’s to a brighter 2016!

    • I agree with Shannon.

      I believe in tracking processes rather than end results. It keeps you focused on the present moment instead of numbers on the scale.

      I set out to lose 15Lbs and instead of worrying about the pounds every day, I only try to do 3 things:
      1. Drink 80 ounces of water
      2. Eat Green Veggies
      3. Workout

      If I do these things daily, the weight will come off and I won’t have to get stressed. I hope your 2016 is starting off right. Keep up the good fight!

  3. Big hugs!!!

  4. This can include your diet and different routines that may help you. Figure out what you need to work on in order to reach your goals.

  5. I totally relate to not wanting to make any big proclamations, I think you’re smart to take it one meal at a time and see what feels right for you. I saw you mentioned whole30 a few times, and I can say as a person who’s also had an eating disorder that I found it helpful. I won’t claim it fixed everything long term, but for me it gives me a month of feeling amazing, which weightloss, and a lot of hope. I do my best to keep it going afterwards as best I can, and eventually find I’m over indulging again. At first I thought this meant I was a failure, but now I can see it’s just part of the learning process. I do another whole30 or whatever feels right, and don’t worry so much about what I’m going to do “forever,” for now, I’m seeing that I eat better between whole30s than I used to and I come back to that way of eating quicker, and for now I’m really happy with that. I hope you find whatever feels right for you and keep taking it one day at a time.

  6. One day at a time is often the only game in town. Just gotta keep plugging away at it. They add up eventually.

  7. Consuming proper calorie food with daily exercise can help you to maintain your weight. And don’t forget to take optimum water, after bed at morning taking two glass of water and at least 20 minutes of walking play vital role to keep you fit. Don’t even think to do fast; just maintain to avoid junk/fat food. That’s it.

  8. great post, thanks for the inspiration 🙂

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