Week 4, Weigh-in 2

Week 4,  Weigh in 2:

199 lbs

– 4 lbs total


The last two weeks have been a challenge. The sharp focus I had on my prize in early January began to blur, and my willpower was tested frequently by chocolate, carbohydrates of any kind, and ruthless woman named aptly named Ruthie who drags a red wagon full of Girl Scout Cookies through my office 12 times a day. Doubt, the anti-companion of any attempt I’ve ever made at weight loss waged its first attack in an all-too familiar internal battle: The part of me that thinks this is too hard and too overwhelming vs. the part of me that wants to believe it IS possible for me to reach a goal weight.

Monday night, my restlessness had reached critical mass and I knew that some kind of action was required. I took a long walk and weighed my options. There weren’t many of them.

1) Quit  2) Not Quit

As soon as I gave myself permission to think about it that way, like I had a choice in the matter, I knew exactly what I wanted.

wanted to wear any dress from any store of my choosing to this year’s Christmas parties.

wanted to know that my situation is not hopeless.

wanted change.

I wanted the self-assurance I remember feeling two years ago when I had lost 55 pounds.

A memory of that time cut suddenly into my thoughts and I remembered a day when I’d gone to Charming Charlie’s and found the perfect pair of boots to slide over my size 10 skinny jeans. I don’t even like selfies, but I sure did take one and put it on the blog that day. Then I’d gone to Whole Foods and eaten lunch from the salad bar. It was incredible to feel so at home and so free and so in control of my own body.

I clung to that memory for several blocks, running through it again and again, recounting the treasure of it, and each time different details came back to me and it would become more complete. I remembered that I’d found this joy over not needing unhealthy food. I really liked healthy food I and liked that I had become picky about what I put into my body. I enjoyed making sure vegetables were part of at least two meals a day. The discovery of what a healthy body feels like had been nearly intoxicating and vastly more enjoyable than any high I’d ever gotten from processed sugar. At that very specific point in my journey, I didn’t know what it meant to feel angst over food choices. That battle had been won and the temptation of overeating had lost.

The sliver of hopefulness that came out of my reminiscing was just enough, and in a moment of clarity I knew I needed to fast on Tuesday. It would be a chance to detach from the intensity of losing weight and get a change of perspective. So I did. It was frustrating at moments. At others, it was awesome. When I fell into bed that night having proved to myself that I am not a slave to food, it was well worth it.

So I’m not quitting.

Elle

Comments

  1. Thanks for the update, we’ve all been concerned about you! You can certainly do this! Best Wishes to you –

  2. Hi Elle

    Like you I have struggled with my weight and I have been following your blog for a few years now

    I was wondering of you could email me, I think some encouragement might be what we both need right now!

    Thanks

    Sheila 🙂

  3. Glad to hear from you. Stay strong and don’t give up. It is totally worth the fight.

  4. Hi. I have followed you for a long time and I love your writing. I can relate to your struggle. I’ve had a lifetime hate relationship with the scale. Last year in April I did a prayer challenge and as part of that challenge I decided to fast sweets, cookies, candy, brownies, chocolate, etc. Driving home one day shortly before Easter and shortly after th e fast had started (April 8) I believe that I was told to fast sweets not just for 21 days but for a year. So I have. I still struggle with the cravings for sugar. I’ve had some crazy dreams where I woke up thinking did I really just eat, fill in the blank for ice cream, chocolate, cake, etc.

    As this year has gone on I’ve realized that my perspective has shifted. I used to constantly say, oh there is no way I could give up sugar. But I’ve done it. Now I’m only a few months away from April 8 and to be honest I wonder how it will go when the year is up.

    2014 was a year of tremendous change in my life. Instead of clinging to my 14 year way of dealing with things, eat as much as I could and then go throw up, I was set free from that. I still have days where the thoughts will invade but I choose the freedom that I have been walking in since that night in July when God set me free.

    I get daily devoitonals from Proverbs 31 ministries and Lysa Terkeurst’s has written about her struggle with food and I think there are a lot of women who struggle with this whole food thing. I haven’t read her book about her food struggles but I would imagine it’s really good.

    My suggestion, take what you like and leave the rest, is to try and plan your meals and have everything ready to go for the following day. Then enjoy life. Don’t become so focused on what you are eating or not eating that you miss out on the life that is happening and ready to be lived in this moment.

    You know you can eat healthier, you’ve done it. You know that you can fall back into old patterns, you’ve done that too. This is a lifetime journey, let go of the goal weight. Let go of the idea that you have to be a certain way. God loves you right where you’re at. He also cares, and He’s a God of details, ask Him to help you as you work out the details, do the next right things, and watch and see how you move forward. I’ve learned that when I get out of His way it’s amazing what happens!

    Hugs!!!! Sorry this is so long!

  5. Hi Elle! I followed you back in 2010 when you joined Prior Fat Girl. I connected with your story immediately from the beginning! I think I started around 10 pounds above you at the time (I was 212 at the time,) and we both had a similar goal weight. I kept up with your journey and felt like we were in it together, and I hit 150 pounds in September 2011 – one full year after starting Weight Watchers. I was able to maintain that until I found out I was pregnant January 2013. When I gave birth to my sweet baby Maddie in September 2013, I left the hospital at 212. I thought it was some sort of vicious karma. Really, it was that I stopped doing any sort of exercise during pregnancy and went back to eating everything in sight, thinking, hey I’m pregnant! Might as well!

    I could kick myself.

    I had no motivation and I didn’t care what I looked like for the longest time. I kept thinking, I’ll start next month, or, after this Starbucks/pizza/cheeseburger/whole family size bag of chips. It was always, I’ll start after this.

    My husband and I took professional family photos for our daughter’s first birthday in September 2014, and upon getting them back I just cried. I hated how I looked, and I hated that I got back to square one.

    But like you, I decided, I can either just keep being miserable, or I can get a little bit happier every day. So, I decided to just try and maintain my weight for a couple of months instead of switching gears to weight loss. I logged calories in MFP, and just did maintenance. I realized how much I had been eating, and I had to re-educate myself on portion sizes, etc.

    At the end of December 2014 I joined Weight Watchers again at 194 pounds, and I hit 179 at my weigh in on 1/29. I feel like this little bump has been the momentum to really go at it again, without comparing how it was the first time around. I didn’t have a kid then, my job was really easy and flexible, and I honestly had so much time to meal prep and workout. Now, since the biggest thing I can control is the food I eat, that’s what I focus on. And instead of saying, I’m going to workout today, I write in my planner “Jog 1 mile, walk 1 mile” three times a week. It’s so much more manageable to get back into it this way.

    So all this is to say, I thought of you today, and you inspired me so much the first time around. I know you can do it again, girl!! Let’s do it for the “old” us and take back control!

    • Hi Erica,
      Wow your story is a little to close to mind not to try to get in touch with you. Lost 150 pounds, had a baby Aug 2013, gained 50 with baby, now I am up 60 and need to break old habits before I am looking my entire 150 in the eyes again.
      I would like to connect with you.
      Tiffers62000@yahoo.com

  6. Elle,
    I really wish you the best. I miss your writing/posts SO badly! I really was looking forward to consistency through both of us…let’s not give up or in! With me?

  7. One Day At A Time

  8. I’ve been thinking about you. I hope things are going well. I hope you come back to blogging. We miss you. XO

  9. I too have been wondering about you and miss your writing. Wish you’d come back 🙂

  10. You are definitely the one I related to the most on this site as well. Add me to the list of folks who wish you would come back!

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