That word right there in the title sums up how I have been feeling lately, both with regards to self and with regards to food.
- I feel inadequate as a weight-loss blogger: having gained far too often over the last few months and failing to make any real progress in what seems like forever. Not to mention the sudden mountain that going to the gym has become.
- I feel inadequate as a parent: too impatient, too many shortcuts, too much tv, not enough time for little goat.
- I feel inadequate as an competent adult: my house should be clean what? Bills? What what? ugh.
And food feels inadequate:
- Why is there not more food?
- What can I eat a LOT of?
- My salad isn’t a burger and fries no matter how hard I pretend.
- Why doesn’t the food stop my feelings of inadequacy?
I feel it deeply in my heart of hearts that I am just not enough to be what I would like to be. Of course as an oldest child and general overachiever, if I am honest with myself, what I really want to be is perfect. It is in my strive to be the perfect weight loss blogger that I convince myself that I am not enough. It is my desire to be the perfect mother, spouse, employee, adult that makes me hyper-aware of all the places that I am not perfect.
When I am honest with myself this is, and will always be, my most critical flaw. In the face of failing to reach perfection I will retreat, I despair, I give up, I cry. When I am not perfect I look to food.
Rationally I know that perfection is impossible, but I have always been one to work for it. I wanted A’s in school. A-‘s were barely tolerated. B+’s brought tears. I wanted to be good at sports, and quit the moment I couldn’t cut it any more. I wanted to be first chair trumpet, and a soloist, and the leader of the group. And now, I want different things but the pressure I put on myself is the same.
I need to give up the all or nothing thinking. It is not a failure to not achieve perfection. The only true failure is giving up entirely. There has got to be a way to continue to reach, improve and grow while avoiding the fallacy of perfection. It feels like a fine line.
I am not perfect. I am often inadequate, but I am also adequate, and also pretty darn awesome sometimes. I need to remember that. I need to learn, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I am enough to be who I am, and who I am is enough for the world.