Last Wednesday…
Me: Do you think we should change our visits so it isn’t weekly anymore?
Therapist: Well, I’m not sure that’s the best for where you are right now but if you need a break, than we can work through that.
Me: No, I don’t need a break. It’s just, well, I feel like every week when I’m on my way here, I scramble to think about what I’m going to talk to you about. Maybe I don’t need to see you weekly.
Therapist: I see. But don’t we always find something to talk about?
Me: Well, yes. But it’s just… I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have all these “fires” to talk through. I don’t have these huge situations that happened throughout the week that I need to talk through. If I look back to where I was a year ago, things are so different. I’m not as stressed out, I don’t emotionally eat {as much} as I did, and I’m not binging as much. I just don’t want to waste your time.
Therapist: Ah, I see where you are going. You are right, you’ve made a lot of really good progress this past year. It’s actually really normal for patients after a period of progress to feel a lull in their therapy. You are at a good place, you have built up some good momentum but if you ask me my opinion, now is not the time to stop. Now is the time to dig in even deeper while things are going better than they were.
Okay, so I didn’t break up with him. We are still seeing each other. And, rightfully so. He pointed out that while I have made a lot of progress, I struggled a lot in December and the beginning of January which shows I still need to work on my stability.
We had my company employee appreciation party this past Saturday. I knew which top I wanted to wear and thought I knew which skirt I wanted to wear. It was a skirt I purchased about a year ago for last years party and haven’t worn since. But when I tried to put it on, I couldn’t zip it up. As in, even if I sucked all the way in and laid down on the bed, there was no way that skirt was zipping up.
*HEARTSINKING*
I felt defeated. I felt so mad. How have I been working out 5 days a week, and with a trainer for the last 3 months, and yet still cannot fit into a skirt I wore a year ago? How can I be working with a dietitian and trying my hardest to follow her advice for what to eat and yet I am not comfortable in my clothes?
I don’t want to be *skinny* or be a size two. I just want to feel comfortable in my clothes. And I feel like I’m fighting so hard, through therapy, a dietitian and a trainer, trying to do things the right way and warning sirens are going off all around me. I wanted to stop eating. I wanted to binge and purge. I wanted to go buy diet pills. I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I wanted to quit following what the dietitian told me to do and do it my own way. It ruined my night. I smiled at my coworkers but didn’t stop to talk to any one person for very long.
I woke up Sunday morning with a heavy heart. Fighting not to give into “my way” because “my way” has proven not to work. I need to trust. I need to fight. I dropped Iggy off to get groomed and then, took my butt to the gym. I needed to break through my struggles. I needed to bust through what is holding me back. And so out of no where, I did this:
And as I sit here and write, I realize. I need to not break up with my therapist.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
This is just a guess, but is it possible that the surgeries have reshaped your body in a way that makes the skirt fit in a different way? I’m not downplaying the situation, but it might be something to consider.
-or-
Two years ago my maid of honour struggled for 3 months to lose the weight to fit in to her MoH dress. She was clearly toning and losing the weight but that damn dress wouldn’t zip.
Then we checked the zipper. Turns out the zipper was busted and wouldn’t zip all of the way up when off of MoH either.
should clarify, it was a bridesmaid dress she had worn in a wedding 18 months prior. we didn’t have a set dress for bridal party. dudes were told suit, ladies told black cocktail dresses.
Such a hard and difficult choice to make when you think you’re doing so well. Sounds like it was a good choice and that you have a great therapist. Sorry about the skirt, but you always look cute!
I know the skirt issue isn’t the big issue here, but will offer my opinion on exercise for what it’s worth – and that is that exercise is important for health but is far less of a factor in weight than diet (meaning what you eat, not just in the weight-loss sense of the word). I put on an extra 30 pounds slowly, over many years, while running on average 25-30 miles a week, year round. Plus I usually walked an additional 5 miles a day (to work and back). I ate healthfully during that time, lots of produce, whole foods, very little fast food. I only lost the excess weight after I changed what I ate, not eating less but instead eating differently. I’m exercising far less these days due to schedule and some chronic pain issues but am not gaining any weight. My point is that frequent, intense exercise may be good for you, but it can play a fairly modest role in body size/body weight. It’s also possible that your body is bigger due to increase in muscle size, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all.
I’m sorry you are struggling.
I wanted to make a request. You remember back when you did that post asking everyone to post a link to what diet/weight loss blogs they follow? Would you mind doing that again? That was a great idea, and I found so many good blogs through it. It would be awesome if you did it again.
That’s a great idea – there are so many new amazing blogs
I’ll do that toward the end of the week.
So relatable. And well-said, Jen.
I’ve missed your frequent posts Jen. YOU and your story are so motivational to me. I hate to read that you are struggling. This too shall pass.
Your situation is not unusual. Weight loss is a process. And when you have negative feelings, it is important to take some time to reset, but then get right back into a routine. If what you have been doing hasn’t worked for you, why not try something else? Try a new exercise routine. Different forms of exercise such as water aerobics will accelerate weight loss and change your body. And be kind to yourself. Trust your intuition. That is where you’ll find the answer.
Jen, thanks very much for this post. This is a struggle I share—”how can my nutritionist be telling me to eat more?,” I think, when I’m feeling out of control with my eating or haven’t been to the gym in a couple of days or don’t think the “measurement” pair of pants are any looser than last time. “Clearly she’s crazy, or I’ve fooled her into thinking I’m *really* undereating, which I’m not, because if I were *really* undereating I wouldn’t be fat.” I’m in a space where I’m trying really hard to trust my team, to do what they say rather than what my gut tells me, because my gut has led me nowhere but trouble over the past twenty years, and edging closer to their way over the last six months has gained me a lot of stability and lost me twenty-five pounds.
So thanks for letting me know that someone else is also in this position. This is an eating-disorder thing, not a diet thing, I want to affirm—although obviously it’s connected to diet things, this is something else. This is about leaning in, trusting, trying to unclench your fists and your anxiety a little. I go to the gym and lift weights. I eat more than I’m comfortable eating. I write it all down. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I have my fingers crossed for both of us.
This post was so eloquent! I’m glad you’re not breaking up with your therapist because your progress will only continue. Head up, chin up, on to a new day!
Oh, I feel ya and just want you to know I’m still fighting the fight with you. *hug*
Hi Jen, So relatable, and I have to say I’m in that headspace as well of eating healthy nutrition-dense foods, working out with a trainer, no low-cal/diet/low fat anything, no fake foods, no sugars, LOTS of veggies and fruits…and no weight loss.
NONE. And it sucks. You’re one of the few who will admit it, thank heavens for you. You say what some of us are thinking: this just isn’t fair.
But its a fight worth fighting. Healthy thinking over weight loss.
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