I hope everyone had an amazing long holiday weekend! Ours was good except both Carlos and I are fighting colds so we did a lot of hanging out on the couch. I just had a cold a couple weeks ago so am frustrated I have another one already.
I’ve been trying to take it easy with workouts too – I’ve gotten a couple in the past couple of weeks but am trying to give myself some serious down time.
Eating more has proven more difficult than I thought. Ridiculous. It’s the homework my dietitian gave me at the beginning of December. I was on top of it the first week but have become increasingly frustrated with keeping up with it, mostly because I’ve found myself “stuck” in a disordered eating mind frame. It’s harder than I thought to break through. The part that I’ve been struggling with is hitting my “goal” for grains and fats. It’s so against what I’ve done for years and my mind is so focused on the old way of thinking, it’s a fight to change.
There have been a couple days when stress from life events took away my hunger, which is very unusual for me. Normally I eat when I’m stressed. My dietitian was very straight forward and direct with me when we talked through things. Prescriptive eating, in my own words, is a way to regain a baseline for eating, hunger cues and a relationship with food. The idea is that my dietitian gives me my daily goals in each of the categories (protein, grains, veggies, fruit, fat, dairy, desserts) and I am suppose to hit my goal every day, whether I’m hungry or not. Even if it’s 8pm and I’m not hungry, I have to eat to my goals. The thought is, by allowing my body to become used to what my body needs, it’ll be able to better recognize when I’m not getting enough or when I’m getting too much.
Sounds good, right? So why am I having such a hard time doing it?
Part of it relates to the medicine I’m on. I ended up switching my anti-depression medicine and I love the one I’m on. One of the biggest differences I’ve noticed is that it helps me to focus on things other than my obsessive thoughts around eating & food. So now, I’m not focused on the food and just want to enjoy not obsessing about eating. I actually feel normal, going for a few hours without even thinking like…
When can I eat?
What should I eat?
How much of it should I eat?
Okay, I can eat now.
When can I eat again?
When I told my dietitian that I feel like my mind has calmed down with the obsessive thoughts and I just wanted to enjoy the quiet, she explained that prescriptive eating is like a prescription. I wouldn’t stop taking an antibiotic just because I feel better, I’d finish the entire prescription as the doctor prescribed. So it was my job to do the prescriptive eating, so that I could define a baseline for my body. She explained right now, my body isn’t able to easily identify hunger cues & fullness cues. Even if my mind isn’t obsessing over things, the cues still aren’t there so the prescriptive eating helps with that.
All that said, I don’t know why but I just can’t get myself to eat the way she has prescribed, which makes me feel even more disordered than I’ve ever felt. If I’m really candid, it’s made me revert back to restrictive eating which is something I’ll talk with my dietitian about in my next appointment.
It sounds so silly, that this is the hardest homework I’ve had in the year I’ve been doing therapy.
My weight has maintained, although I really don’t care about my weight right now. This is about being comfortable in my clothes, my body, and my life.
That’s what I’m fighting for.