For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been rebelling. Like a little child.

I got my eating prescription at the beginning of December. I mentioned last week, I was struggling with it. This weekend was no exception.

This morning, I pulled into the parking lot and noticed I was the only one at the gym. The only one at the gym. I go to Snap Fitness, a gym where they don’t have staff all the time. Members can come & go anytime with an access key that opens the door. I was the only one at the gym at 5:45am. I thought I would be scared but it was actually very nice. I didn’t put my headphones in, I just let the music blast. And for some reason, instead of putting on my normal mellow Alicia Keys Pandora radio station, I put on the Pandora Hip Hop Workout station.

Something was different this morning, compared to the last three weeks. My attitude was different. I ran a mile and then, decided to do some weights. As I was sweating along this morning, I thought about my eating this past month, and how difficult I was making this whole prescriptive eating. I was up and down, eating and restricting. I was not thinking about food but taking advantage of it in a way that wasn’t healthy. And it got me  no where.

I was rebelling against my eating plan and all I got was three weeks acting like a spoiled brat.

After I showered & got dressed this morning, I packed food for the day. Something I haven’t done in 3 weeks.

Breakfast:
hard boiled eggs, a huge apple, and cheddar cheese.

Morning snack:
Veggies & full fat ranch, almonds

Lunch:
Spaghetti w/ whole wheat pasta

Afternoon snack:
Ham slices & cheddar cheese

According to my prescribed eating plan, the above doesn’t meat my goals for grains, fruits or veggies so I’ll fill in the gaps as much as possible for dinner. We are going to a friends house tonight to celebrate the new year and they normally have a lot of really good, fresh snacks. I already know, it’ll be an amazing night.

Okay – so it’s time for me to stop being a baby, stop rebelling and change my attitude.

Rebelling doesn’t get me anywhere. 

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I hope everyone had an amazing long holiday weekend! Ours was good except both Carlos and I are fighting colds so we did a lot of hanging out on the couch. I just had a cold a couple weeks ago so am frustrated I have another one already.

I’ve been trying to take it easy with workouts too – I’ve gotten a couple in the past couple of weeks but am trying to give myself some serious down time.

Eating more has proven more difficult than I thought. Ridiculous. It’s the homework my dietitian gave me at the beginning of December. I was on top of it the first week but have become increasingly frustrated with keeping up with it, mostly because I’ve found myself “stuck” in a disordered eating mind frame. It’s harder than I thought to break through. The part that I’ve been struggling with is hitting my “goal” for grains and fats. It’s so against what I’ve done for years and my mind is so focused on the old way of thinking, it’s a fight to change.

There have been a couple days when stress from life events took away my hunger, which is very unusual for me. Normally I eat when I’m stressed. My dietitian was very straight forward and direct with me when we talked through things.  Prescriptive eating, in my own words, is a way to regain a baseline for eating, hunger cues and a relationship with food. The idea is that my dietitian gives me my daily goals in each of the categories (protein, grains, veggies, fruit, fat, dairy, desserts) and I am suppose to hit my goal every day, whether I’m hungry or not. Even if it’s 8pm and I’m not hungry, I have to eat to my goals. The thought is, by allowing my body to become used to what my body needs, it’ll be able to better recognize when I’m not getting enough or when I’m getting too much.

Sounds good, right? So why am I having such a hard time doing it?

Part of it relates to the medicine I’m on. I ended up switching my anti-depression medicine and I love the one I’m on. One of the biggest differences I’ve noticed is that it helps me to focus on things other than my obsessive thoughts around eating & food. So now, I’m not focused on the food and just want to enjoy not obsessing about eating. I actually feel normal, going for a few hours without even thinking like…

When can I eat?
What should I eat?
How much of it should I eat?
Okay, I can eat now.
When can I eat again?

When I told my dietitian that I feel like my mind has calmed down with the obsessive thoughts and I just wanted to enjoy the quiet, she explained that prescriptive eating is like a prescription. I wouldn’t stop taking an antibiotic just because I feel better, I’d finish the entire prescription as the doctor prescribed. So it was my job to do the prescriptive eating, so that I could define a baseline for my body. She explained right now, my body isn’t able to easily identify hunger cues & fullness cues. Even if my mind isn’t obsessing over things, the cues still aren’t there so the prescriptive eating helps with that.

All that said, I don’t know why but I just can’t get myself to eat the way she has prescribed, which makes me feel even more disordered than I’ve ever felt. If I’m really candid, it’s made me revert back to restrictive eating which is something I’ll talk with my dietitian about in my next appointment.

It sounds so silly, that this is the hardest homework I’ve had in the year I’ve been doing therapy.

My weight has maintained, although I really don’t care about my weight right now. This is about being comfortable in my clothes, my body, and my life.

That’s what I’m fighting for.

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