Archives for December 2012

About 2012

Where to begin?  I wasn’t sure if I should blog today because I realized that what I am feeling today make many of you rather angry with me…but the blog is a way to help me process my feelings and experiences on this weight loss quest of mine, so I am going to blog what I am feeling anyway.

What I am feeling tonight, as I look forward into 2013, is that I didn’t do a very good job in 2012.  Or, I should clarify, I haven’t done a very good job in the last 3 months of 2012.   Perhaps that is the crux of why I am feeling disappointed with myself, because I know that I can do better than I have been.

The last three months have been hard for me – at least eating, food, and weight loss-wise – and I can’t quite tell why.  Part of it is a plateau.  Part of it is stubbornness and losing focus.  Part of it is the season and the lack of light and a little bit of blues.  (I’m keeping an eye out for the big D though, don’t worry).  Part of it is sick kids, and busy schedules, and travel and parties and all of it.

But the part that has me feeling frustrated tonight is that most of the things in that paragraph looks to me like giant excuses, because really that is what they are.  I had those things for the first 3/4 of the year as well, but the fight has just been that much harder lately and I’ve fallen down a lot.  I pray I have the strength to keep trying.

I am feeling that way too because for the last two weeks my tracking has been virtually nonexistent and my eating has been through the roof.  Today alone I had a chinese buffet AND pizza for supper.  I am not looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday morning, or perhaps a part of me is.  I need something to remind me that I am in control of what I eat and the consequences are my own.

Now, to be fair, 2012 is also a huge success for me.  It is the first year that I have EVER lost any significant amount of weight, and no matter if I ring in the year at 65 lbs, 75lbs down, or less or more, I am successful.  I have been successful.  And I will continue to be successful.

I have no intention of giving up and I hope to find some time to stop in the blog tomorrow or Wednesday and share some of my thinking and plans for 2013 – races, therapy and MORE!  And for all my many slip ups, my whining and my struggles I am truly grateful for having all of you out there in my life.  Your support has been immeasurable and each and everyone of you help me continue each day.  In that way 2012 has been outstanding.
No matter if your 2012 was fabulous or frustrating I am rooting for you all and wishing you innumerable blessings in 2013.  *Mwah*

Rebelling doesn’t work.

For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been rebelling. Like a little child.

I got my eating prescription at the beginning of December. I mentioned last week, I was struggling with it. This weekend was no exception.

This morning, I pulled into the parking lot and noticed I was the only one at the gym. The only one at the gym. I go to Snap Fitness, a gym where they don’t have staff all the time. Members can come & go anytime with an access key that opens the door. I was the only one at the gym at 5:45am. I thought I would be scared but it was actually very nice. I didn’t put my headphones in, I just let the music blast. And for some reason, instead of putting on my normal mellow Alicia Keys Pandora radio station, I put on the Pandora Hip Hop Workout station.

Something was different this morning, compared to the last three weeks. My attitude was different. I ran a mile and then, decided to do some weights. As I was sweating along this morning, I thought about my eating this past month, and how difficult I was making this whole prescriptive eating. I was up and down, eating and restricting. I was not thinking about food but taking advantage of it in a way that wasn’t healthy. And it got me  no where.

I was rebelling against my eating plan and all I got was three weeks acting like a spoiled brat.

After I showered & got dressed this morning, I packed food for the day. Something I haven’t done in 3 weeks.

Breakfast:
hard boiled eggs, a huge apple, and cheddar cheese.

breakfast

 

Morning snack:
Veggies & full fat ranch, almonds

Snack

Lunch:
Spaghetti w/ whole wheat pasta

lunch
Afternoon snack:
Ham slices & cheddar cheese

2nd snack

According to my prescribed eating plan, the above doesn’t meat my goals for grains, fruits or veggies so I’ll fill in the gaps as much as possible for dinner. We are going to a friends house tonight to celebrate the new year and they normally have a lot of really good, fresh snacks. I already know, it’ll be an amazing night.

Okay – so it’s time for me to stop being a baby, stop rebelling and change my attitude.

Rebelling doesn’t get me anywhere. 

Jen-white (1)

Weigh In Week 50

I am in Wisconsin.  Traveling, holidays and not being in charge of all my own food, have made it a challenge.  Also I seemed to have lost the will to track early in the week and was eating blind most of the week.  But I was trying to to listen to my body and eat within reason.  I didn’t do well at our family holiday party on Sunday evening, but most of the rest of the time I made OK choices.

I am up this week but for the day after Christmas it felt decent.

+2.4 Pounds

77 lbs Lost to Date

Most of the weeks where I fail to track I end up with HUGE gains, but instead I have a moderate one.  Perhaps I am starting to change the way I think and the way I eat.

On the Friday before we left I finally had my weight loss assessment appointment.  It was heartening to talk to people who know exactly what I mean when I talk about food, just like it is helpful at my Weight Watcher meetings and here on the blog with all of you!  I think that adding this piece will help complete the puzzle.

I went to a weight watcher meeting today here in Wisconsin.  I was apprehensive to go into a new meeting, especially when I knew I had a gain, but I found one on my weigh in day.  And wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I arrived I settled into the meeting just like I do at home.  I shared some and listened and it was a good meeting.  Mostly I am proud that I went while on “vacation” and the day after a holiday.  Then Mr. Goat, my sister and I heading out to the YMCA in town and I got a 5k under my belt.  It felt great to do those two things.

Holiday eating might not be 100% done, but I am working on my tracking and my working out and I will keep on trucking.

And if I need a reminder how far we’ve come this year I can just look at some family photos, taken in October nearly a year apart.

2011

373881_10150495471234872_577911146_n

2012

409336_10102043014155073_963543178_n

It has been a good year.

Harder than I thought: prescriptive eating

I hope everyone had an amazing long holiday weekend! Ours was good except both Carlos and I are fighting colds so we did a lot of hanging out on the couch. I just had a cold a couple weeks ago so am frustrated I have another one already.

I’ve been trying to take it easy with workouts too – I’ve gotten a couple in the past couple of weeks but am trying to give myself some serious down time.

Eating more has proven more difficult than I thought. Ridiculous. It’s the homework my dietitian gave me at the beginning of December. I was on top of it the first week but have become increasingly frustrated with keeping up with it, mostly because I’ve found myself “stuck” in a disordered eating mind frame. It’s harder than I thought to break through. The part that I’ve been struggling with is hitting my “goal” for grains and fats. It’s so against what I’ve done for years and my mind is so focused on the old way of thinking, it’s a fight to change.

Exchange journal

 

There have been a couple days when stress from life events took away my hunger, which is very unusual for me. Normally I eat when I’m stressed. My dietitian was very straight forward and direct with me when we talked through things.  Prescriptive eating, in my own words, is a way to regain a baseline for eating, hunger cues and a relationship with food. The idea is that my dietitian gives me my daily goals in each of the categories (protein, grains, veggies, fruit, fat, dairy, desserts) and I am suppose to hit my goal every day, whether I’m hungry or not. Even if it’s 8pm and I’m not hungry, I have to eat to my goals. The thought is, by allowing my body to become used to what my body needs, it’ll be able to better recognize when I’m not getting enough or when I’m getting too much.

Sounds good, right? So why am I having such a hard time doing it?

Part of it relates to the medicine I’m on. I ended up switching my anti-depression medicine and I love the one I’m on. One of the biggest differences I’ve noticed is that it helps me to focus on things other than my obsessive thoughts around eating & food. So now, I’m not focused on the food and just want to enjoy not obsessing about eating. I actually feel normal, going for a few hours without even thinking like…

When can I eat?
What should I eat?
How much of it should I eat?
Okay, I can eat now.
When can I eat again?

When I told my dietitian that I feel like my mind has calmed down with the obsessive thoughts and I just wanted to enjoy the quiet, she explained that prescriptive eating is like a prescription. I wouldn’t stop taking an antibiotic just because I feel better, I’d finish the entire prescription as the doctor prescribed. So it was my job to do the prescriptive eating, so that I could define a baseline for my body. She explained right now, my body isn’t able to easily identify hunger cues & fullness cues. Even if my mind isn’t obsessing over things, the cues still aren’t there so the prescriptive eating helps with that.

All that said, I don’t know why but I just can’t get myself to eat the way she has prescribed, which makes me feel even more disordered than I’ve ever felt. If I’m really candid, it’s made me revert back to restrictive eating which is something I’ll talk with my dietitian about in my next appointment.

It sounds so silly, that this is the hardest homework I’ve had in the year I’ve been doing therapy.

My weight has maintained, although I really don’t care about my weight right now. This is about being comfortable in my clothes, my body, and my life.

That’s what I’m fighting for.

Jen-white (1)

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