Sweat. Good.

The truth is, no matter how tough a day may be, busting through some endorphins at the gym will normally make it better.

Where the sidewalk ends.

A few weeks ago, I went for a run over lunch. I hadn’t gone running much over lunch so while I am sorta familiar with the city I work in, I am not overly confident with the best running route in the immediate area around my office. That said, the best thing about running is that you can do it anywhere. And on that day, over lunch, I did.

I left my office, turned right and started running. I had no clue where I was going but just went. I work in a somewhat industrial area of the city. There are a few restaurants but the miles around my office are mostly industrial & office buildings, and residential neighborhoods.

I ran for 25 minutes. Well, ran with a few walking breaks. I ran up on street, down the next and around the bend. As I made my way back to my office, I knew what was going to happen. I knew I’d run out of sidewalk. I knew I was going to go into a part of the industrial area that didn’t have sidewalks – I’d have to somehow get back to my office without the sidewalk.

What happens when the sidewalk ends?

I was going to be faced soon with the end of the sidewalk and I’d have to make a choice.  To be honest, I’ve been scared of streets the past couple of years. Scared of cars. I don’t mind driving, though I’d rather not. When I go through intersections, I brace myself and hold my breath as my eyes dart around just to make sure the other cars stopped. It’s weird. Walking or running on the sidewalk is bearable. But no sidewalk? It makes my heart pitter-patter.

You see, my mom wasn’t on a sidewalk when she died. She was walking on the street, pushing my nephew in a stroller. I am not sure if she would have lived, had she been on a sidewalk. No, actually I know she wouldn’t have lived either way. She was at the end of the drive way, in the drivers blind spot. The driver didn’t see her and backed over her. It was an accident. An honest accident. Eh – I hate talking about the graphic details.

Roads terrify me. My shoulders tense up, my chest puffs out. My eyes dart from side to side and all around. Cars coming toward me – will they see me? I much prefer to run around a lake or on a trail. The sidewalk provides what little comfort it can.

So, what happens when the sidewalk ends?

Previously, I’d turn and go back. Find a different way to get where I’m going. Figure out how to get around running on the street. But this time, something was different.

Funny thing.

I just kept running. The sidewalk ended and I had only one choice. Run or run fast.

I ran fast.

Today is the 3 year anniversary of my mom dying. I cannot believe it’s been three years. I cannot believe all that has changed, all that was lost and all that is no longer. Three years later and my heart still aches. The world went on with life… without my mom. Lord, please be with Paul and his family today… may he feel a sense of peace today.

The support from the community at my Mom’s service was overwhelming. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, my sisters and my dad… then and now.

Kim Emmert Memorial from Paul Carey on Vimeo.

As in years past, comments are closed. Instead, please please please take a moment or two to call someone you love and tell them just that… that you love them. I’M BEGGING YOU. Do it now before it’s too late.

boo hoo stop.

Oh Lord, I feel like my posts have been so up and down lately – I hope ya’ll have stuck with me!

Aside from being slightly boo-hoo-ey, I’ve been working on getting some positivity in my life too.

Friend time.

Wedding project time.

Workout time.

Eating has gone well the past couple weeks, as well as workouts. My focus the final 3 weeks before the wedding is to concentrate on eating as much whole foods as I can (although most of you know that for me, it still means some non-whole foods) and to get in 5 workouts a week, heavy weights. I have really begun to notice my mental positivity when I keep the workouts consistent so aside from any physical side effects from working out, I owe it to myself mentally as well. And finally, I need to just keep praying for peace & calmness these last final weeks.

Although I’ve been slightly more easily annoyed and have had some teary-moments, I am so grateful for so many amazing things in my life; surrounded by loved ones, an amazing job, Iggy. So much to be thankful for.

We’ve decided instead of doing a groom’s dinner, we are going to do a family dinner the night before our wedding. Just family. Together. For laughs and food. I cannot wait! I want to spend as much time with our families as possible.

Oh la la, friends – I CANNOT WAIT TO GET MARRIED! 

I really do just want to jump up and down and up and down!

A Leap of Faith

Oh, Hallelujah!  Today was a DAY OFF!  Well, I was off all weekend, but that was family time.  This was a day off alone.  Mr. Goat took Little Goat to daycare at 7:30am and I was on my own until I had to get him at 4:45.  It was heavenly.  First I went back to bed and slept until 10am.  Then I finished my book in bed!  Then I had a healthy lunch and sorted out all the too big clothes that are all lying around.  Most of these clothes were fall and winter things ranging from sizes 22-28.  You see I am pretty squarely in a size 20 now, and even smaller in some cases.  I didn’t realize how much of a difference that made until I looked back at those too big clothes this morning.  I don’t remember being that BIG.  But I do remember wearing many of those clothes and them feeling tight, so I must have been.

It was a sign of how far I’ve come.  The rest of the afternoon was consigning and donating those boxes of clothes, and a mile swim thrown in as my workout too.  Not too shabby.

Giving away these clothes was a big step for me.  You all know that my July has seemed frustrating.  Eating right and finding time to workout has been more of a challenge and I haven’t felt like I’ve made much progress.  When I started boxing up too big clothes earlier this spring I wasn’t ready to give them away.  I didn’t want them, or need them but the “what if” question kept ringing in my mind.  “What if” I need them because I gain the weight back?  “What if” I slip up?  “What if” I’m not strong enough to keep this weight off.  “What ifs” are scary beasts.  They poison your thoughts.

I admit, there are still “what ifs” I deal with every day, especially this month when things have seemed harder than before.  But a day off, and being back on track with eating and working out, gave me the confidence to take a leap of faith today.

This leap isn’t a leap into faith in God, though that is a useful thing that I am blessed to have.  No, this leap was a leap of faith in myself.  I still have lingering doubts about my journey but today I took a leap that said I will succeed no matter how long it takes.  I won’t go back to those sizes.  I won’t wear those clothes again.  I will give them and sell them to people who need them because I DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.  I am changed and changing.  I am more than I once was, even though there is less of me.  I am strong, and healthier and believe I can succeed.

So away they went.

In it’s place I bought this dress…in a size 18.  (For $.30 thanks to some pieces I sold)  I am an 18 now.  Or will be soon.  I am not a 28.

Days off can be wonderful but so can finding the ability to trust yourself and the process again.  I feel refreshed and ready to take on the next 5, 10, 50, 100 pounds.  Bring it on!