I’ve tiptoeing around a sensitive subject for the past couple years – the relationship I have with my dad. It’s been a trying relationship, to say the least. You’d be surprised what losing someone like mom can do to existing relationships in a family.
I’ve refrained from discussing our conflicts because it isn’t fair to my dad. It isn’t fair that I share my side of the situation when he isn’t here to share his side and defend himself. This post isn’t about me sharing my side because that still wouldn’t be right but I can’t avoid talking about the inevitable and the effects it has on me. It’s 2:00am and I woke up with thoughts racing. I can’t go back to sleep and need to write it out.
This Friday, my dad is getting married. I cannot avoid talk about it any more because, well… it’s going to happen. I find myself twisted in an emotional pretzel, my feelings leaving me frustrated and overwhelmed. As a daughter and his child, I want to scream and yell. I want to stomp my feet and cry. She isn’t right for you! repeats over and over in my head.
Anyone would be a fool not to love my dad. He’s the most stubborn source of kindness you’ve met. He will go out of his way to help someone and then, just when you get comfortable with help, he’ll push you out of the nest forcing you to fly like he knows you can. He is at heart, a sensitive man with a tough shell of opinions and isn’t afraid to say what he thinks. He is confident, sometimes to a fault. He is not perfect but holds his head high. He is a balance of the strong support system a lot of women want in a relationship. He was perfect for my mom.
Of course his soon-to-be wife would love him. Who wouldn’t. He provides safety.
As a daughter and his child, I want to scream and yell.
But who am I to judge. Who am I to judge their relationship, their love? Where did I get this entitlement to project my judgments onto someone else’s relationship?
As an adult, I get it. I understand that my dad had to figure out how to pick up and move forward, had to and has to continue to figure out how to fill the crater of a hole my mom left in his life. My dad’s decision to remarry is his own. I can either choose to love him or turn my back. I don’t have to agree with it, but it’s not my choice. My dad is an adult. He may have changed in the past couple years but after losing someone so tragically, most of us would. I cannot even begin to think of what would happen to me if I lost Carlos even now let alone in 25 years. Loving my dad is not forcing my decisions on him, it’s loving him for him for who he is, decisions and all.
My dad reads my blog which makes this post even more difficult to write. It’s 2:15 am, two days before he is to say the big “I-DO” and our relationship is in a sensitive place. My mind goes through conversations in the past three years over and over again. One wrong move and emotions can flare, conflict can increase and words that can’t be taken back can be said.
My intention is to be at his wedding, as hard as it is for me. I will attend in my support of him making his choice to love who he wants and to marry who he wants. If he thinks this is the right thing to do, then I have to trust that he is making the best choice for him, right now. I love him and it isn’t my place to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. He knows where I stand, we’ve talked about my feelings about everything but in the end, this is his decision.
As the time creeps closer to 2:30am, I wonder… what is the definition of a daughters love? It’s something since mom died that I’ve tried to determine. I’ve kept certain struggles off the blog because I’ve struggled enough with my own judgement and opinions and felt it wasn’t right to share with you, those who really don’t know the whole situation and don’t know my dad. There’s a lot about his decision to marry his soon-to-be wife I’m not saying because this isn’t the place. But I have made every attempt to share how struggles in personal conflict situations effect my healthiness and emotional journey.
So my dad is getting married. I bought them Tupperware – I’m not sure if that’s an appropriate gift or not but it was the safest thing on the list.
What is the definition of a daughters love?
A daughters love is unconditional and ever-lasting.
I love you dad.
And now, it’s coming up on 2:45am and I need to try to go back to sleep.
Happy end of week, friends.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Jen, you summed it up : a daughter’s love is unconditional and everlasting. And so is a father’s. Although I know this event doesn’t sit well with you, the fact that you are choosing to keep the lines of communication open with your dad and let him have his version of happiness post-tragedy speaks volumes about your priorities and your long term vision of your family. Godspeed.
I know this must be so hard for you… you have proven over the last few years just how strong you are. Do your best to get through the day. You are a wonderful daughter.
You are amazing. Be there for your dad as hard as it may be, not being there would be worse.
Wow…I am grateful to you for writing this post. I think the way you’re handling it is a testament to the way both your parents raised you
“What is the definition of a daughter’s love?”
When it comes to my father, who is no longer alive, the answer is easy. It’s the same as yours. When it comes to my mother, the answer is the same, but it’s not easy.
I have no clue how I’d react in your place and I think you’re doing a great job of trying to deal with it as best as you can.
I think he’s probably struggling with issues himself and doesn’t want to hurt you either.
I have read your blog for many years. Last year my husband of 20 years died in an accident. I understand the crater of a whole that is left. I too have met a wonderful person that provides me friendship and companionship that 3 teens who are in the process of leaving the nest cannot and should not feel the need to fill the void. I wish you and your father much success. As with your family, we never expected nor wanted to walk this journey of life turning upside down and new beginnings. My extended family is very accepting of my friend, but my teens who are busy with their lives are concerned about having less time with me. Thank you for sharing your journey, struggles and love with us through the years. May we all understand how fragile live is and to celebrate and embrace the love of others.
Oh, Jen. First, I will repeat what I said yesterday. I am proud of you.
My dad remarried 2 years after my mom passed away. It was intensly difficult for me, at the age of 16, to understand what was going on. Add to that a rocky stepmom/stepdaughter relationship and it added up to many years of distance between myself and my dad. I finally came to terms with it when my daughter was born but I still have issues with my stepmom.
I am moved to hear you balance your rational side with your emotional side. This will be hard but he is not replacing your mom at all. He is just adding a new love to his life.
I am proud of you for supporting him.
I will be keeping you and your sisters in my thoughts over these next few days!
Jen, just breathe. You cannot change another person, only how you react to them. You can control you and you alone. Feel the feelings and know its ok to feel them and work through them.
I struggle in my relationship with my Mom. It wasn’t a relationship that was ever great, even as a kid. But then she had breast cancer and lots of chemo. And her personality changed. And even she admits that she suffers the effects of ‘chemo brain’. But it doesn’t make it any easier. There is still a lot of hurt and resentment. What helps me is reminding myself that I cannot change her. But I can change my reaction to her to guard my feelings, lessen the hurt and promote a better relationship from my end.
Hugs to you. Much peace and calmness.
Jen, thank you so much for sharing this with us. And all the thoughts and emotions that are running through your head. I can only imagine what it would be like to lose a parent, first off, and then to see that other parent get married. Whether it be 1 year or 10 years down the road. I have nothing more helpful to say, the above posters have said everything I’ve wanted to. Just know you are so loved, by Carlos, by your IRL friends, by us, by your dad…by your Momma that always looks down on you
Praying for you this weekend!
Ever since the 5th grade when I first met you, you have always been a really strong lady and even more so over these last few years. I know that this is tough and being an adult in this situation isn’t always easy but from what I see you handle it with such grace and dignity. Your mother would be proud. I keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers everday.
Much love and support!
Melinda S.
Something I have to remind myself of every so often is love is a choice. It’s not always what we feel, but what we know we need to do. You are smart to choose to love and be supportive even when you’re struggling with the situation.
I can only imagine what you are facing. You will be in my prayers this weekend. Thank you for your honesty. Take care!
I wanted to make a very general comment – to match your own sensitivity in trying to be fair and not blab too much. I think it would be difficult to really know how much of one’s very natural mixed feelings would be because of the trauma of your own loss about losing your mom: you don’t get another mom, it was so sudden and shocking, and honestly, you’re still grieving. I think it’s natural to feel kind of weird about other people’s pace of “moving on” compared to yours. – and how much of your feelings come from real, independent-of-your-loss feelings about their real relationship and what your father’s fiance is really like. Does that even make sense? I just think it would be hard to separate those things out and think about their specific relationship outside of thinking about your mom. You can only do what you can do!
You have a right to your feeling. You have a history. You have been through the best and worst with your dad.
I cannot imagine how hard it would be. But, he has made the choice and you have to stand by his side whether it works out or not (a daughter’s love). You will always be his daughter and a link to your mom and the love they shared..
My heart goes out to you. And, I hope you got some sleep..
Your last couple of posts of accepting of yourself , as I have a tough time doing that as well. I often forward your site to my husband and tell him how I relate to what you are saying
Today’s blog really hit home. My current husband went through the same thing with his children that you are struggling with now. The relationship I have with his children is better as time goes on. It was tough on everyone but in the end if your father and his new wife have that special bond it will all work out and your father will be a very happy person. He is also struggling.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you grow. You have a lot of support, just even with your followers. Keep up the great work.
Your dad is alone and now he is happy! I’ve learned that dads cannot be alone… be happy for him! You will always be daddy’s little girl..muah!
My mother passed away about 2.5 years ago – shortly after yours, if I remember your story properly. My dad started dating just 3 months after she passed away, and he got remarried (to the first woman he started dating) just over a year ago. It is hard, as a daughter – it feels so fast, and I suspect it would even if the dad waited 20 years to remarry. Objectively, my dad’s new wife is a fine woman – she’s probably a better fit for him than my mother was, in some ways. But she’s not my mom, and never will be, and it’s hard. But, I figured out that I had to set my expectations of her as if she were a new neighbor or something – it makes it a lot less stressful.
I can totally relate to this post! Not in that every detail mirrors my own life but in the struggle we as children face when looking at the lives of our parents. I think when every detail of the situation is cleared, the only real thing left is our inner selves. We must protect ourselves, build strength in our actions and live in a way that we know would make our Moms proud. And I think you’re doing that. It’s not easy – the best things never are – but we do them because we know they’re right for us at that moment.
this had to be a very difficult and emotional thing for you to write at 2am on a school night. it’s so cliche’ to say, “you’re strong, things will work out over time” but hopefully, it’s true.
on the plus side, maybe there will be good cake?
Hi Jen!!!
I don’t know if I can give any advice. My dad passed away 14 years ago and my mom has never dated or re-married since then.
The good thing? is you are a grown up with your own life and at least you don’t have to live in a house where you aren’t comfortable. And I think right now, the only thing you can do is love your dad for who he’s become and if this person makes him happy then that’s a good thing!
Hugs to you!
Jen,
Reading this post brings me back to where you are now. My father died when I was 20. At 22 (2 years later) as I planned my wedding my mother was planning hers to a new man. I hadn’t healed from his sudden death and I too felt that the man my mom was marrying wasn’t the right fit for her. He wasn’t my dad, he held so many different qualities. It has taken 16 years for me to accept that this man is the person she needed and loved at that time and in many ways after my father’s death she changed.
My inability to accept and share in the joy of my mom’s happiness and new life took a toll our relationship for years. But, eventually my acceptance and ability to move forward helped. It’s not easy and the pain is still raw I’m sure for you. Hang in there
Jen,
I am rather new to your blog..I’ve read it only a few times now, but, I see a re-occuring theme. Strength. No matter what situation arises (or that you are thrown into) you manage to stay open-minded and optimistic.
I believe that i will continue to read your blog…Your insight, thoughts and emotions are so real and honest. I think many people can relate.
Thank you for posting…
I cannot begin to imagine how hard this is for you, and how hard it might be for your dad.
I have no words – but just know that you are loved, very very loved, and I wish you peace and strength as their wedding day approaches.
xxoo
Jen,
You’re at such a transitional point in your life.
My thoughts: As a parent of adult children I often think when they leave my house that they have their own lives now. I’m just a piece of it. And when they leave I think that a majority of my life is with my husband. As much as I love my kids….They can’t be everything to me and I’m not everything to them. I know you understand this….but at the end of the day I often feel it’s just the two of us. That’s what your Dad doesn’t have. He’s not filling a whole, he’s trying to make a life.
My best advice is something i learned from a Minister at my Sons wedding: Every single day for one year pray for them. Pray for their happiness. Pray for a strong relationship. Pray for a strong family. Pray for them every single day for one year.
Also…remember that if you are not working towards making something stronger you are inadvertently working against it.
Hang in there! These should be the happiest days of your life!
Wow. Very hard situation and I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through. You’re right….unless you want to lose the only parent you have left, you have to find a way to at least accept his decision. I hope all goes well on Friday.
My heart goes out to you. I’ve been in and am in again a similar situation. My parents had just separated when my mother passed away and my Dad married my step-Mom shortly thereafter. A couple of years after my Mom’s death my step-Mom passed away too. Now, a year later, my father has a new girlfriend.
I’ve struggled as well with our relationship. It’s definitely been rocky on top of already not having been the strongest in my teens and early 20s before my Mom died. I have come to a similar conclusion as yourself. In order to maintain my relationship with my Dad I need to accept that he is an adult and capable of making his own decisions. In reality, while I would hope he would love the partner I choose, his not approving would not change my feelings for someone. I do think, though, that it would serve as a further wedge between us.
For those reasons I am attempting to do the same as you, love him and accept that I can’t change him or his decisisons.
I’m sorry that your family has gone through such a tragedy and that your world has been rocked in the way it was. I’m guessing your father appreciates your attendence at his wedding more than he might even be able to tell you. 4 years later I can look back and think that my Dad did.
Jen,
Your post brought tears to my eyes.I know this has been so difficult for you. I wasn’t a part of your family, but I will never forget your lovely, kind Mom. What a shining star she was and still is in all of our hearts. I see your Dad occasionally at Bill’s (it’s been a while, though) and he always has a great big hug for me and we have a wonderful chat. My sister lost her husband the day before your Mom died, and my sister is terribly lonely. I hope someday she finds someone to love again like your Dad has. When my sister convinced my Mom to move 5 hours away 5 years ago I was so angry at her. I was 50 years old at the time. My Dad was really angry at me for being angry. huh? His answer was this- “Your Mom is a grown woman and you can’t decide her choices” And he doesn’t even like my Mom that much. So I guess we all have to live and let live, and it sounds like that is what you are doing. Peace to you, you’re always in my heart.
Jen:
No matter what happens there is no doubt in my mind the love your dad has for you girls and for your mom. I understand how this can be difficult…it’s hard for me and I am not even his daughter. Just remember that everyone makes the decision they deem right for themselves, whether right or wrong, positive or negative, and our duty is to accept (not always embrace) but accept what we can’t control. I think all of you girls have done great things since your mom’s passing and I am honestly proud of each and every one of you! Hold your head hi…you are amazing.
Wow, that is really going to be a rough day, my heart goes out to you. As someone who hated my step mother for the entirety of her marriage to my dad, I can relate to some of what you are feeling. I’m impressed that you are going to the wedding, I know it will be best for your relationship with your dad in the long run.
Family stuff can be very hard, I know I’ve had my struggles with mine. I wish I could find the right words to console, but you’ve done a good job finding words of your own. I think you’ve done well at honoring the people involved in this situation and think it’s aok for you to voice how you feel.
i don’t comment much. but this post touched me.
i don’t know who said it first, but love is a verb. by supporting your dad, you are loving him. by going to his wedding, you are loving him. by accepting his choice, you are loving him.
and think of it this way… you will probably NEVER be sorry that you went to the wedding, but you may be sorry if you don’t go.
Jen, that was beautiful, best wishes to all.
I get it. At least part of it. My dad got married in Hawaii in February. None of us were there because, well, in the middle of raising our own families and struggling to make budgets work, there wasn’t room for trips across an ocean to attend a wedding that we weren’t actually excited about. They had a local reception in May and that was one disaster after another, we are just finally seeing them this weekend. I don’t like having to navigate this world with divorced parents and double everything. I just kind of want to live my life and not have to deal with it, not have the stress of it keep me up at night, make relationships between the sisters difficult (we all have different feelings about all of “this”). I don’t want to navigate *my* new family of step-siblings (do we call them that when we are in our 30′s?).
Good luck getting through the next few days. My Dad was always my number one fan and I don’t think I’ve had an honest conversation with him since I was in high school. I miss that.
I got the happy couple a plant.
Beautiful expression of your heartbreak and love for your dad. Death, divorce and marriage all changes family dynamics, but it’s the love in our hearts for those closes to us that mends, forgives, and allows family to move forward instead of bread apart. So sorry for your heartbreak, but so proud that you will attend the wedding. Thoughts, prayers and big hugs to you.
Wow, my heart is aching for you right now. I’m actually teary-eyed. I cannot identify with what you’re going through right now as both of my parents are still alive and still married to each other, but I can only imagine how difficult it is to know that your father is with someone else. And on one hand, you don’t want him to be alone. You want him to be happy and live his life and meet new people. But on the other hand, he’s your mother’s husband…your father…and you’ve only known of those two being together…ever. You can’t really grasp the thought of him “starting a new life” with someone else and being happy. You’re in a difficult place. Can I ask what you think your mother would want? But above all, you need peace in your life, and I hope I don’t step out of line here, but I am going to pray for you. For God to just place peace in your life, enough to accept what is taking place, and for God to take control of the situation. I hope you don’t mind
Wishing you peace from this moment on…
Jen, my mom passed about 2.5 years ago, and three months later my father was dating. She’s now selling her house and moving in with him into my mom’s house. It’s hard being angry at my almost 70 yr old father, but it happens. I’m angrier that I even have to have discussions with dad about his dating life. I can’t imagine talking about a real remarriage. You are handling this with grace and strength. I know it’s hard but we both know our remaining parental relationship is too precious to let go.
Jen,
I literally just found your blog about 5 minutes ago and read the post about your mother and this one. I lost my mom at the end of 2003 and I have many of the same feelings as you and my family relationships have been impacted as well. My dad remarried in the summer of 2005. I KNEW my dad was a relationship guy and needed someone in his life, but I still struggle every time I spend time with the both of them. I want to scream “THIS IS ALL WRONG. IT SHOULD BE MY MOM HERE, NOT YOU!” But I never do, because my brain tells me it’s what my dad needs. I don’t think my heart will ever agree. Best of luck to you. I hope that you continue to find things to appreciate about your dad’s wife, their relationship and your new family situation.
My thoughts are with you! I lost my mother a year ago and couldn’t imagine my dad dating let alone marrying someone else. All I can say is while it may not be what you want, be thankful you have had the opportunity to be open with your father and that he has listened to your concerns. I wish I could say the same for my father-in-law who basically traded his kids for a wife who makes no effort to like them (and is only 4 yrs older). Hopefully your dads wife will make him happy and find a way to be a part of your life on terms you are comfortable with.
thinking of you this wknd and hope you are doing well.
Hi Jen….
I had a rather rocky relationship with my dad before he passed away. But when I got that call from my brother who told me that dad had lung cancer, I swallowed my pride and flew out to be by his side throughout the ordeal. When he passed away, I felt I had done all I could, took the high road and we ended in a better place, in spite of my hurt feelings.
I know it must be so hard to see your dad with another woman. But think of it this way: You are starting a new exciting life with the man of your dreams, loving and being loved every day. Your father needs the same thing. We all need to feel loved and needed. Your dad is still a relatively young man. Do you want him to grow old being alone? Of course you don’t. You love him – it’s obvious that you do. Try to look at it from a different perspective and be relieved that you won’t have a dad who will spend the rest of his life mourning his lost love. He will never replace your mom and I’m sure he’s not trying to. He’s just human. And so are you. Kudos to you for taking the high road and placing your relationship with your dad above your hurt feelings. You are a trooper and have so many great things to come!!!! Sending hugs your way!
My mom died about seven years ago. It’s true what you say about how the death of a mother can change the rest of your family relationships. I hadn’t realized that my mother was the glue who held all of us together until she was gone. Also, I’d like to think I’d be pleased for my dad if he found someone else, but that’s easy to say when it’s not actually happening. I’m sorry for your loss.