I’ve tiptoeing around a sensitive subject for the past couple years – the relationship I have with my dad. It’s been a trying relationship, to say the least. You’d be surprised what losing someone like mom can do to existing relationships in a family.
I’ve refrained from discussing our conflicts because it isn’t fair to my dad. It isn’t fair that I share my side of the situation when he isn’t here to share his side and defend himself. This post isn’t about me sharing my side because that still wouldn’t be right but I can’t avoid talking about the inevitable and the effects it has on me. It’s 2:00am and I woke up with thoughts racing. I can’t go back to sleep and need to write it out.
This Friday, my dad is getting married. I cannot avoid talk about it any more because, well… it’s going to happen. I find myself twisted in an emotional pretzel, my feelings leaving me frustrated and overwhelmed. As a daughter and his child, I want to scream and yell. I want to stomp my feet and cry. She isn’t right for you! repeats over and over in my head.
Anyone would be a fool not to love my dad. He’s the most stubborn source of kindness you’ve met. He will go out of his way to help someone and then, just when you get comfortable with help, he’ll push you out of the nest forcing you to fly like he knows you can. He is at heart, a sensitive man with a tough shell of opinions and isn’t afraid to say what he thinks. He is confident, sometimes to a fault. He is not perfect but holds his head high. He is a balance of the strong support system a lot of women want in a relationship. He was perfect for my mom.
Of course his soon-to-be wife would love him. Who wouldn’t. He provides safety.
As a daughter and his child, I want to scream and yell.
But who am I to judge. Who am I to judge their relationship, their love? Where did I get this entitlement to project my judgments onto someone else’s relationship?
As an adult, I get it. I understand that my dad had to figure out how to pick up and move forward, had to and has to continue to figure out how to fill the crater of a hole my mom left in his life. My dad’s decision to remarry is his own. I can either choose to love him or turn my back. I don’t have to agree with it, but it’s not my choice. My dad is an adult. He may have changed in the past couple years but after losing someone so tragically, most of us would. I cannot even begin to think of what would happen to me if I lost Carlos even now let alone in 25 years. Loving my dad is not forcing my decisions on him, it’s loving him for him for who he is, decisions and all.
My dad reads my blog which makes this post even more difficult to write. It’s 2:15 am, two days before he is to say the big “I-DO” and our relationship is in a sensitive place. My mind goes through conversations in the past three years over and over again. One wrong move and emotions can flare, conflict can increase and words that can’t be taken back can be said.
My intention is to be at his wedding, as hard as it is for me. I will attend in my support of him making his choice to love who he wants and to marry who he wants. If he thinks this is the right thing to do, then I have to trust that he is making the best choice for him, right now. I love him and it isn’t my place to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. He knows where I stand, we’ve talked about my feelings about everything but in the end, this is his decision.
As the time creeps closer to 2:30am, I wonder… what is the definition of a daughters love? It’s something since mom died that I’ve tried to determine. I’ve kept certain struggles off the blog because I’ve struggled enough with my own judgement and opinions and felt it wasn’t right to share with you, those who really don’t know the whole situation and don’t know my dad. There’s a lot about his decision to marry his soon-to-be wife I’m not saying because this isn’t the place. But I have made every attempt to share how struggles in personal conflict situations effect my healthiness and emotional journey.
So my dad is getting married. I bought them Tupperware – I’m not sure if that’s an appropriate gift or not but it was the safest thing on the list.
What is the definition of a daughters love?
A daughters love is unconditional and ever-lasting.
I love you dad.
And now, it’s coming up on 2:45am and I need to try to go back to sleep.
Happy end of week, friends.