Comfortable.

I’ve come to some understanding of what’s been going on with my emotions this week.  You all know that I gained this week (thank you for your support on that matter).  Most of you also saw my Geek and Athlete post where I pondered whether my identity was changing to become an athlete.  So maybe it is obvious with you but it wasn’t to me until I had a conversation with some of my friends on Wednesday night.

You see, Wednesday at lunch following my bad weigh in I went a little crazy and had a steak sandwich wrap and fries.  I basically at all my daily points in one meal.  Then I felt full alright, and a little bit sick, and a whole lot of shame.  BUT I figured out why I did it.

I wanted to feel comfortable.

 

Losing weight is not a comfortable experience.  It involves stretching yourself beyond where you believed you could go.  It involves examining your habits, lifestyle and goals through a magnifying glass.  Every movement, food, and emotion needs to be taken into consideration for the long term process of losing weight.  Beyond that, you begin to change who you are.  I am still myself, but as my lifestyle changes, I feel un-moored from the “me” that I was before.  When one thing can change does that mean that all the other things that make up who you are and how you see yourself change?  Figuring out those questions is uncomfortable.

So on Wednesday I choose comfort, the comfort of knowing that “me” – the fat-me, the out-of-shape-me.  But it didn’t make me feel better.  I felt comfortable, but that isn’t what I want.  I don’t want to drug myself with food when life is difficult.  I don’t want to be that person.  The fact of the matter is that the old me may feel comfortable in the short term, I am NOT comfortable with myself there.  I am not comfortable at the size I was, eating the food I ate.  I am not comfortable not fitting into chairs and worrying about sitting in booths.  I am not comfortable getting out of breath walking Little Goat to the park.  I am not comfortable with any of that, even if it sometimes feels that way.

I am changing because I want and need to change.  This is something I am doing and the uncomfortable parts of losing weight are things I want.

It is hard to imagine the person that I am becoming.  I have no picture of myself at a healthy weight, no knowledge of what my life might look like at a healthy size.  I look and see only dim glimmers of the person that I am becoming.  That is uncomfortable to go into an unknown so blindly.  But what is my alternate, I can look back and see where I started from and I know I don’t want to go back there.  I am not comfortable being comfortable at that size.

Weight is a safety blanket.  Yes, it is full of self-loathing, but at least it feels like you have some control and protection.  I am not sure why actually taking control of my life makes me so uncomfortable, but sometimes it does.  I will be a new me, the same me, but different too.

So I decide I am going to be a geek with athletic tendencies, I can be both who I was and who I am becoming.  I will thrive in the interim  and move toward an unknown but someday realized future.  I will be my own Starship Enterprise.

Health, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of blogger Liz,

her continuing mission to explore strange new foods,

to seek out new activities and new sizes,

to boldly go where she has not gone before.

 

P.S.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about this should help.

Comments

  1. SaraShank says:

    Awesome post!!!! Well done, summed up how I feel on the subject. Time to throw off that security blankey!

  2. I don’t often comment, but this post really hit home for me. I lost 65 pounds two summers ago, and then I let some of the weight creep back on over the last two years. Losing weight was not comfortable. I hated having to order healthy choices when everyone around me was eating fun, delicious foods. And working out daily certainly isn’t always a pleasure. But I loved the results I was seeing. However, when I gave myself a “break” for my 21st birthday, I got too comfortable with my old unhealthy habits again and never got back on track. But you’re so right. Being overweight is not comfortable for me. I am not comfortable with my body. Thanks for posting!

  3. Geeks with athletic tendencies are the best! Not that I’m baised or anything. 😉 What an amazing moment or realization for you. My wieght bobbles up and down, in part due to this comfortable conundrum and that will always be something I have to face. Confortable isn’t always the best, but I have found some of what used to be hard (not eating fast food/getting to the gym) is now the easy part. Your doing a great job at acheiving the “Live Long and Prosper” way of life!!

  4. I love two things you said: “…the uncomfortable parts of losing weight are things I want.”

    and

    “I am not comfortable being comfortable at that size.”

    I just might print those and frame them!

  5. LOVE this post! We were just talking about this at lunch today. I still think of myself as the geeky wallflower, but I play in a rec sports league and work out regularly so my coworkers think of me as an athlete. I like your “geek with athletic tendencies” compromise – I’m going to steal it 🙂

  6. 1. The ending of this was hilarious.

    2. This is the shittiest analogy in the history of the earth and I am embarassed for making it, but it’s true.

    In Twilight, when Bella is turned, she goes from being ordinary, average mortal Bella to sparkly, powerful, freakishly beautiful, confident Bella.

    (I left intellect out of there because quite honestly they don’t really talk about her brains in those books.)

    Digression. ANYWAY. My point is, when you get to There, one day you are going to roll out of bed and look at yourself in the mirror and see something that is so unfathomably spectacular. Something that you never, ever knew or thought you could hope was possible. A body, a brain, a confidence, a fitness level.

    You will not know it until you see it, and until then the road is hard and filled with stumbling blocks. But I pinky swear that the day you get There, you will know and it will be The Best Feeling.

  7. I love this post, and the ending was so funny :-p. It’s so true, though. Losing weight isn’t comfortable, and pushing yourself isn’t either. But you are right, in the end, it’s all worth it.

  8. You have made the mental connection! I lost 80 pounds and have kept it off for over 5 years, and you should be so proud of yourself for doing the TOUGH mental work! Yes, you will fail sometimes, but just remember how you felt about that failure. Then, over time, and sometimes not EVERY time, you’ll bring up that shame, regret, etc. you felt and avoid another episode altogether. Keep up the grueling hard work, and one day, when you least expect it, you’ll have new habits and you are comfortable with because you are totally comfortable with all aspects of yourself.

  9. Love this post! You hit the nail right on the head for me!! I’ve been seeking my comfort lately too, I really don’t want to, but seem unable to stop. Thank you for these words.

  10. This was a great post – you are doing great. keep fighting the fight and inspiring us!

  11. Very insightful post! I find that our greatest achievements lie when we push ourselves past what we thought we were capable of. Remember, this is a journey of a lifetime and every day is a new commitment to that journey. You’re doing amazing!!

  12. Losing weight requires faith. Something you can draw on. It is faith in the process and that the end result is worth it.
    You’re an amazing and caring person, Liz. You put others first a lot. I think perhaps part of your discomfort comes from putting yourself first. It pays off, it really does. I’m so excited for you!

  13. I love this post and can totally relate! Having always been the chubby girl who may have eaten healthy a few times in her life, the thought of seriously ubeing a healthier eater ALWAYS is a bit nerve wracking. Like you, i don’t want to go back to my heaviest though, so i will perseve.

    I may link back to your post on my blog…as this is something I think many of us can relate to.

  14. You are my hero. I wish I was where you are mentally. Good job rocking this from every angle. You are doing great!

  15. Wow, I’m a new subscriber, and I am blown away. When you said it was hard to imagine yourself at a healthy weight and that you had no picture of yourself or idea of who you would be…that is exactly what I’ve realized in the last few weeks. 56, and I’ve struggled with this for most of those years. Who am I? I am determined to find out!!

  16. “I can be both who I was and who I am becoming.” Such a powerful post! You are evolving! Cheers to you~

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