I have a lot to tell you this week.
This dating business is harder than it seems and, in some ways, easier than it seems. So much of it comes naturally once you get started – you sort of know what to say, you know what to do, you know how to play your part.
But what about the awkward conversation where you tell him you used to be fat? What do you do you when you realize that maybe your boundaries are different than his boundaries? What do you do when you feel like maybe you’d be better as friends than “lovers,” and who gets to make that call? And how do you do it with respect and compassion?
An instruction manual on relationships would be awfully useful right about now. I’m a little late to the game and my skills are…ah, probably not on par with others my age who have been doing this for the last 15 years or so.
I had to sort through some of those things this weekend (and I’m still sorting). I wish I could just date without having to think about any of those things, ever. But that’s not realistic. And I’m having fun, so it’s not like I’d rather go back to sitting in front of my TV on a Friday night in my sweats trying not to think about the fact that I have no life. I just have to figure out how to have fun, and at the same time make sure I’m being considerate of the other party… i.e, not leading on, being honest about who I am… basically treat them the way I’d like to be treated.
The other challenge? How do you enjoy going on dates without worrying about the menu options? Honestly, that’s one of the trickiest things. I don’t want to panic when he says “I’m feeling a burger,” and I don’t want to be lame and order a side salad when he takes me out somewhere really nice. I want to enjoy the whole experience and let the food just be the food… but it’s hard when I also have this little voice in the back of my head yelling at me about what the scale will do if I indulge.
Ugh!
I wanted it to be so much simpler than this! Anyway, should be a good week of posts – goodness knows I’ve got the material to write something every day.
Oh, and before I forget, the scale did show 160 this morning. Curses. It’s ok though, I’m not panicking… I’m just going to go home and run 1o miles. Or maybe more like two one. Yeah, I’m thinking a one mile run should be good.
You can follow me on Twitter @PFG_Elle
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
No manual necessary…Know YOUR WORTH…it is as simple as that. You can be agreeable…you can compromise…but you don’t have to settle.
And you can be brutally honest…if he doesn’t need to wine and dine you to keep your heart…he’ll appreciate knowing that you are trying to simplify your life.
Most of us want an independent partner (I know…sounds like an oxymoron). We don’t want to have to make all the decisions about what to do, what to eat, etc.
Sorry for the ramble…but this is the time when being yourself is mandatory.
Gosh – I feel the same way sometimes. I’m about 2 months into a relationship with a great guy…but the relationship just isn’t working. A manual on being healthy and being a healthy person while dating would really come in handy. Good luck with it darling – you are worth being treated like gold!
I think that the only person that will make the I use to be fat conversation awkward will be you. Being fat never made you a bad person. It’s not like you have to tell him that you use to be in prison. Now that would be awkward!!
As far as eating out, it’s all about finding a balance. If you order a burger don’t get fries. The thing I’ve found that works the best for me is to pay close attention to how full I am. I always feel like I have to finish food if it’s on my plate but if I really pay attention to the signals my body is sending I don’t overeat. Also drink lots of water!
I am new to it all too, but I’ve learned in the past 7 months that if you really know what you want, don’t want, and you’re not afraid to say it, a guy worth dating will respect that. Communication is huge, which is hard for me because I’m not used to being so open and vulnerable with another person, especially a boyfriend.
Maybe it’s a little different for me in the “I used to be fat” talk because I’m still overweight (and I’ve lost weight since I met John), but when I showed him pics of me 50 pounds heavier, all he said was, “You definitely look different, but you still looked good.” And because I have shared my struggles with my weight (I actually linked him to the blog I used to have), he has been very supportive. He often tells me I have a lot of heart for working so hard despite all of the obstacles in my way.
Any guy worth knowing you will want to know all of you and all about you and will be respectful and delicate in his response to you.
The most important thing I have learned in all of this is to keep God first. Trust in Him. Ask Him every day to show you what to do. Ask Him to be in your words that you say to Aaron. Ask Him for guidance and ask that He also work in Aaron. Even in the moments where I’ve felt like I have no idea what to say or do, God has spoken through me.
Remember your worth and your value and if you don’t feel like those are being fully recognized, speak up. Be wholly you because you are beautiful and amazing. If Aaron can’t see that or you don’t feel like he’s exactly right for you, you have every right to move on and keep looking.
Out of interest, is it actually necessary to tell him? I’m not talking about re-writing the past, or lying, but rather about actively bringing it up, rather than if it came up naturally in conversation in the future. It sounds to me (and I could be totally wrong) that this could be something you want to make an issue of, where there really isn’t anything to worry about. By all means, tell him that you’re watching what you eat and being healthy at the moment – that’s a good honest thing to do, and will help you both make the right choices on a date, but it might not be necessary to make a big issue of your past size – it’s not you now, so maybe just concentrate on getting to know him and you in the present. And save the deep life histories for a rainy day and a cozy sofa somewhere in the future.
Just my tuppence worth anyway – whatever you do – hope it all goes swimmingly! xx
Yeah, I think it’s not something that needs to be brought up right away. Keep things light while you get to know each other, you know?
And what happened that took you from “fireworks” to “maybe we should just be friends in a week?” Do you think you’re keeping him at bay because a. that’s what you’re used to doing, and b. you’re so worried about your lack of experience? I totally screwed up the best relationship I’ve ever had because I was just so wracked with self consciousness about everything about myself that I just did not let him in at all, even though he was wonderful and sweet and always told me I was gorgeous. He put up with me for a year and had to move on. It is probably my biggest regret.
I agree with Sue F. It’s not like you have a communicable disease that he needs to be aware of for his own safety. Or you have to take special precautions for your health. You just order the big salad and ask for no cheese or croutons and oil and vinegar on the side. If he laughs at you because he’s ordered a burger, fries, and a shake, then you just laugh too and tell him you’re nearing the end of a long journey to get healthy. Just conversation. Don’t make a big deal, Have to Tell You Something moment on date #2. He knows you NOW. Pictures of you from 2 years ago won’t change his opinion of you. Relax!
I agree with Jen. I especially liked how she worded it “nearing the end of a long journey to get healthy”. No big revelation is necessary at this point, I think. Little bits of your story will eek out over time spent together. And, as far as boundaries go, I know that you are a committed Christian with all that entails. It’s difficult to wait, but infinitely worth it.
OOOHHH. So familiar with is. It’s still weird for me to date even after maintaining for a year. I don’t usually tell them right off the bat but I think it makes us who we are and helps explain why we make the food decisions we do. On the flip side sometimes the guys think I’m impressive or give me a weird look if I order french fries. A rare occurrence but it happens. What I’ve realized is I gravitate to people who make a healthy lifestyle a priority and my dates have been more creative of late (hikes and jogs). Dating manuals are a no-go. Because everyone’s experience is different and every relationship is different. I think most people would agree with “Do what feels right”. And maybe it doesn’t…but it never hurts to have some fun along the way with some Mr. wrongs
I’m with Sue F–I don’t think it’s necessary to have the “I used to be fat” talk when the relationship is still new. It will come up at some point (when he sees old photos, or wonders why you are hesitant to put on a bathing suit), but doesn’t need to be a focus, especially since you are so self-conscious about it.
And as a longtime vegetarian, I offer the same advice for eating out–don’t obsess over your choices. If you want to eat healthy at a restaurant, order without shame. You ordered the salad because you like salad and you like how you feel after eating salad, right? So what’s wrong with that?
It will actually give you a good way to see how he reacts to your commitment to a healthy lifestyle–if he groans when you turn down a drink or complains when you can’t meet him at a certain time because of a pre-planned trip to the gym? Not the right guy for you right now.
Just give it time and let topics develop naturally, not because you think you have to “confess” to your heavier past.
I think dating is always tricky but if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out. My bf of 5 years+ has seen me at my peak weight (200+) and my current weight ..and we’ve braved it all.
I tend to overshare sometimes when I meet people for the first time.
Biggest thing for me when I started dating (I was wayyyy late to the game as well) was learning how to communicate my feelings to the other person and not being afraid of how they were going to react. First and foremost you have to take care of yourself and if the other person can’t respect that then they have their own issues that they need to work out as well.
Good luck and just have fun! Dating isn’t easy but it sure is fun!
Yay Elle! As you said, be true to yourself and honest with him. I agree with the others that you don’t have to have the “I’ve lost weight” talk. If it comes up in conversation, address it, but it probably won’t for a while. Either way who you WERE isn’t who you ARE, and he’s with current Elle! Enjoy the ride but keep your heart safe.
I love everyone’s advice for you! Be true to yourself and only bring it up if you feel you really need to… Telling him that you are on a journey to a healthier you is being completely honest. You can even tell him you don’t expect him to wine and dine you, offer to cook for him, or even offer other alternatives for fun dates.
I kind of did the opposite when I met my husband… I was at my heaviest at the time, so I thought by ordering a wrap on our first date rather than burger or something else would make me look like I cared about my weight/health… Silly thinking.
We got so comfortable together that I gained another 40 lbs…
My husband still *loves* to go out to eat (more so than I’d like to). So now, I look at every time we go out as not only a challenge, but practice.
I love seafood and he is allergic, so it’s my time to order oysters, scallops, salmon, etc. I haven’t ever ordered fries since I’ve started losing weight because if he gets them, I can have a couple of his and I’m fine.
While I’m sure you are aware of these tricks, here is a great link with reminders on how to eat our when you are trying to be healthy:
http://www.eatbetteramerica.com/diet-nutrition/heart-health/your-menu-for-heart-smart-dining-out.aspx
I also like Mireille Guiliano’s 50% Solution (from “French Women Don’t Get Fat”):
http://frenchwomendontgetfat.com/content/50-percent-solution
My husband and first tried it when we went to a steak restaurant. We ordered a side of to.die.for Asiago Au Gratin potatoes to split. We left most of the order using the 50% Solution and found that we were satisfied with what we had and didn’t feel guilty!
Just some fun tips… I had to learn the hard way!
Many good comments here. I just wanted to say that just because some of us have been dating longer doesn’t mean we have a better slice on life. In short, while those experiences may have been educational, they were not all life enhancing.
Perhaps I’m echoing what others have said, but the reason there isn’t a manual is because you are supposed to be “yourself”. Realizing still that “yourself” is sometimes the most difficult person to locate. However, if someone is telling you to do this or do that… and it doesn’t fell just right – feel free to go with your gut. I know there are times that I made decisions to please others (the boy, my group of friends) than go with what I wanted.
I have no information on the “I used to be fat” conversation…. but just know I am sending so much support and love from MN to TX. I think you are fantastic!!
So I’m a little slow to post. I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago – right at the tail end of about a 55 pound weight loss journey. I had the same fears as you. I put away all photos from the ‘old’ me. I flipped out when he picked up my work badge that had a photo on it and quickly put it away. We didn’t necessarily have a “I used to be fat” conversation, but I did finally mention it about 3 months into our relationship. I was buying a lot of clothes and I was afraid he thought I was a shopaholic so I justified by explaining that I pretty much had no Spring clothes b/c I used to be heavier and nothing fit me anymore. And you know what? He was fine with it. He never asked how much I had lost or anything. Said he was just proud that I had decided to do the healthy journey and had been successful. Apparently for me, being a spendygirl was a worse designation than a priorfatgirl.
Now as for the eating on dates. I think a lot of girls typically eat less than guys and eat healthier – ie salads. He would make jokes about it and how he was my garbage disposal. So if a date does order stuff for the both of you, you can always just have a little. It may be tough, but I don’t think he ever thought my eating was odd. Besides, the butterflies in the stomach over the newness and how wonderful things were going helped to keep my appetite down anyways!
Love reading your blog. And am so proud of how far you’ve come. Good luck with everything and I look forward to reading more stories!
*like* – Glad you posted this, Patty!