I’m not really sure how to package this for you, so I’m just going to come right out with it…
I’ve been working through some things lately. Namely, blogging and the role it plays in my journey. Blogging was supposed to be therapeutic, and in the beginning, it certainly was. But then I got some negative comments, and it frustrated me. In sort of a reverse Pavlovian way (Is that a thing? I guess it is now.), I started curbing my writing to try and avoid those comments. Every time I got a nasty comment, I’d make a mental note to never write about that particular topic again. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me, so I chose the tone of my posts carefully to make sure they were upbeat and positive. I didn’t want people to attack my personal choices for my personal diet plan, so I sort of… um, quit talking about the food I was eating. I didn’t want people to think I was self absorbed or morally corrupt, so I also quit telling stories about the exciting little things that happened here and there with men (because yes, they do treat you differently when you lose weight). I wanted to tell you about those things, but can you blame me for not wanting to get beat up in the comment section about how I’m lacking in standards because I allow myself to get butterflies when a guy who barely noticed I was alive a year ago stopped me in the hall today to flirt a little?
I don’t particularly think that makes me a terrible person. And I would really like it if everyone would just nod their heads along with me and agree with everything I say. That’d be wonderful, and we could all just get along.
But that’s never gonna happen. And you know what? I’m finally OK with it. I was talking to Jen, A PriorFatGirl about it this week, and I told her that I’m tired of spending hours in front of my computer screen trying to edit my pieces to death. “This is perfect!” I would say at last. But then I’d read over it again and think “yes, perfectly :::yawn::: boring.” But hey, at least no one will say anything ugly.
At that point, blogging is no longer fun for me.
So what does all that really mean?
It means that I’m just going to start writing straight from the gut. I know we won’t always agree, and as long as we’re respectful, I think that’s ok. I can learn from you. PriorFatGirl is a public blog, and I knew that when I started writing here. Out of the 5,000 or so people who click through here every day, there are bound to be one or two who see the world differently from me.
I was never going to be one of those bloggers who posts a perfect food journal and lots of recipes. It isn’t who I am. My roots are in creative writing, and my passion — from the very beginning — was to bring others with me through my story. The story of losing weight, changing sizes, learning to enjoy healthy food, and dabbling in the world of real romance (or some semblance thereof?) for the first time. I wanted to do that because it’s exactly what I wish I’d had while I was losing weight. There’s a reason I’ve read “Jemima J” about 184 times.
So there you have it. That’s who I am. That’s where I’m at. You got a little taste of it with yesterday’s post. Changing your lifestyle isn’t always easy, it isn’t always pretty, and it isn’t always motivational. Sometimes it sucks out loud. Sometimes you want a cupcake, and sometimes you really do look in the mirror and think “I hate my body.”
But that’s just sometimes. There are other times when you look in the mirror and say “That’s progress Elle. Slow and steady, but it’s progress. And I’m proud of you.” Emotions fluctuate. They especially fluctuate because I’m a girl. That’s part of the package. Hormones man, they’ll make you crazy.
So don’t worry. I’m not falling off the deep end, nor am I sitting in a closet stuffing my face with chocolate and wishing I could end it all. I’m just losing weight. And just in case no one has told you yet – it’s sort of a jerky ride. So strap in and hang on. Because I think I finally figured out what “sugar coating not included” means.
Now that’s what I call therapeutic.