I had something else in mind to write to you today, but it will have to wait.
You see, I started a post, but then a friend called. We talked for longer than I thought we would, and I was tired when we hung up, so I decided to take a little nap. As with most naps, this one turned into full on slumber. I groggily woke up around 10 p.m., realized I was done for, and without bothering to turn off my bedside lamp (which is unusual, as I like it to be pitch black when I sleep), I dropped my head back to the pillow and went back to sleepydreamyland.
I’m a heavy sleeper, so it’s actually pretty incredible that I was able to feel something tickling the back of my knee. I was only vaguely aware of it, but I kicked my leg a little and shifted in my sleep. A few seconds later, I was pretty sure I heard something… it sounded like a fluttering of some kind. I groaned a little. I was sleeping on my stomach with my mouth open because I’ve been a little sick the last couple of days and I haven’t been able to breathe through my nose very well.
When I felt something against my rib cage, my instincts kicked in. I had to blink a few times before my vision started to clear up, but then I saw it… a giant black oval crawling up my arm towards my face.
In less than a second I had sprung from the bed, screamed an unceasing string of curse words, and found a shoe with which to avenge myself. By now, the cockroach had made it’s way to my headboard and was trying to climb to higher ground. I sobbed, tortured by the unenviable predicament I found myself in — I had to kill it, I knew I did. But it was huge, and its guts were going to explode everywhere when I did. As it positioned itself at the top of the headboard, I smacked my shoe down on it with all the force I could muster. I cried cried cried cried.
White guts sprayed out onto the wall and headboard. The cockroach crumpled, but the little devil kept squirming. It fell to the floor behind my bed, so I hopped down and ran to the closet to get my vacuum. There was no way I could wedge the vacuum under my bed without moving the bedside table, so I bent down and heaved it off to one side.
Only to discover a giant black beetle. Like a dung beetle. With pinchers on it’s head.
I did two things: 1) I cried some more 2) I clicked on the vacuum and shoved it toward the beetle.
The beetle scurried under the bed before I could get it. I sucked up the cockroach. At least that was one problem dealt with, but there was no way I could go to sleep knowing a monster with pinchers on it’s face was hiding under my bed somewhere. I went to the living room and got a golf club. Then, I laid on my stomach across the bed and poked around underneath it with the golf club, but that stupid thing was nowhere. For the next hour, I sat on my bed not knowing what to do. Leave? Call my parents? (Daddy, all the bugs are trying to kill me. Can I come sleep at your house?) Call my friend Hannah and beg her to let me sleep on her couch? But that still leaves me the problem of needing to come back here and shower and pack before I go to work and leave town for the weekend.
For the next hour, I sat on my bed clinging to the golf club and monitoring the perimeter of my bed. Finally, at some point between 1 and 2 a.m., the creature emerged. I hammered it with the golf club until it split into two pieces. I vacuumed that up too, and then, angry as hell, I came in here to my living room and started typing.
I’m still fuming. The only living being I want to wake up next to EVER again is a husband. And I don’t have one of those yet, so I sure as bloody blazes better be the only occupant under my covers. Gah… it’s like I can still feel it crawling on me right now.
Tomorrow morning, my apartment manager is really going to hate his job.