“If you are not making the progress that you would like to make and are capable of making, it is simply because your goals are not clearly defined.” ~ Paul J. Meyer
This quote could not be more perfect to describe my weight loss
First I’d just like to say thanks to those of your who continue to read, regardless of what I’m writing. I know I personally, like reading blogs that let me peek into the readers life… and I understand that not everyone else likes that. Many people want to read just about what the blog is “supposed” to be about.
I also understand that this blog, this is my place on the web to just write. About whatever I want. And I hate to be rude, but the only thing I can say to readers who don’t enjoy my writing is, don’t read it. And really, that’s not me trying to be rude.. but think about it, why read something that only irritates you? Life is too short. Skim or skip a blog post that I write if it doesn’t interest you. No hard feelings. I understand when I gush about my dog or my nephew… some people don’t want to read that, but this is my life, my loves, my blog.
Jen asked me to blog here at PFG based on my old blog.. which was just like this blog – a mash up of my life. What you see, is what you get.
That being said.. let’s talk weight loss for a moment. It’s clear, I’m not losing. Jen and I have talked about this in the past and she’s asked me to write about what I’m about to say, but at the time, I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to “step on any toes”. Well, now… I’m ready.
Many people (read: mainly anonymous commenters) are very curious as to why I’m not losing weight. My answer is simple and you may not like it. But my answer is: I’M HAPPY.
Here’s the part where I don’t want to step on any toes. It seems to me that many people who embark on a weight loss journey do so because they are unhappy. Miserable, in fact. And while I’m not thrilled about my weight.. I have NEVER hated myself. I’ve never been a miserable person. Of course, I have my days where something isn’t fitting right and I get pissed off and upset, but I would say a majority of the time, I like who I am. I wanted to lose weight because I know it’s a smart decision… I wanted to be healthy. I still do. But me, unlike many of you weight loss super stars out there, I still sometimes let the excuses win. I know I shouldn’t… we all know to lose weight you have to be diciplined. And I’m not as diciplined as I need to be. I get that and I don’t need rude people telling me so.
To be extremely honest, while I love blogging (most of the time) there have been points in the past several months where it’s felt like a bit of a chore because I know what’s “expected” of me from the readers as a PriorFatGirl. Jen has NEVER laid down any expectations for me as far as losing weight goes. She’s always just told me to share my journey as I see fit.
Truth is, I’m happy. If you’ve met me.. you can probably tell that I’m a happy person. And maybe if I had hit that “rock bottom” like so many other bloggers that I read, I’d be down closer to my “goal weight” (which is still undefined)… but I haven’t. I was raised to love myself… and I do. And in most areas of life, that is an awesome thing – but it seems like when it comes to weight loss, at some point, you just have to be so unhappy that you change it.
People have said to me, “maybe you just don’t want it bad enough” – and you know what.. you might be right.
That’s not to say I’m going to start eating large pizzas and gallons of ice cream in my spare time. I need to make small changes, I know that.. but then you need to realize, I’m not going to lose 10 pounds over night.
This journey has become increasingly difficult for me. Not only because I’m not losing weight (I don’t expect to be), but because I know I’m being judged. It hurts. No matter who you are, it hurts to be judged. I suppose I sort of put myself out there to be judged, but I just want you to know… hurtful comments, e-mails, whatever… they don’t motivate me, they simple push me away from this community. A place that I once thought of as only supportive has become a not so happy place for me.
I’m sure this blog post is just ridiculous because I’ve just been letting it flow from my fingertips with really no rhyme or reason, but these are my thoughts.. and with all of that being said, the only thing I have left to say is, support me or don’t… I’m happy with the person that I am. And I’m sorry I’m not losing the amount of weight that you think I should be. I’m not in this for the numbers, for the hits my page gets.. none of that is the driving force for why I write. I write because I liked to. And I’m sincerely hoping I can find that happy place again… the place where it was fun to blog. It was fun to read what people had to say. Because right now, I dread opening my e-mail in fear that I’ll have someone telling me I’m not living up to THEIR standard of who I should be.
I started this journey at over 225 pounds. That sickens me to
say type. You may not think a weigh in of 213 is something to celebrate.. and that’s fine. But I know no matter what, I will never have to say I’m 225 pounds again. And someday… even if it’s not according to some peoples time line for me, I won’t be 213 anymore. And someday, I will be healthier. And I’ll do it all on my own time line. And I’ll know that the number on the scale isn’t a defining factor for who I am as a person. And I’ll love myself no matter what the scale says or how people say I should feel for weighing a certain amount. I know who I am, and I like who I am.. no matter what the scale, or the naysayers, have to say about it.
Haters gonna hate. 😉 (Haha! Just had to throw that out there)