Early to bed, early to rise.

Early to bed, early to rise. It is 9:45pm and I need to shower {I’m sweaty from they gym} and then hit the sack.

Today went well with Carlos and I driving to work together – tomorrow may be a different story. On Tuesday’s, Carlos leaves early to be at a 7:00am networking meeting. We decided we’d go down to 1 car this week to practice which means tomorrow I have to be up super early so that we can leave by 6:20, have me dropped off by 6:45 and have Carlos get to his meeting by 7:00am.

I’ll need plenty of coffee that early in the morning and am sure the office will be D-E-A-D! I’m hoping to get some serious work done however sometimes if it is too quiet, I can’t get motivated. I may have to do squats at my desk. Carlos will pick me up about 3:00 or 3:30pm and we’ll call it a day! Since the day ends early, maybe I’ll sneak in a workout before my weekly quiet Tuesday Iggy and me evening {while Carlos goes to pool}!

Stay tuned tomorrow for a post on Polar — all your questions answered!

 

Quickie

Hi all!

This is going to be a quick post.. like REALLY quick!

For some reason, my dashboard to write up my posts isn’t working and literally, right now, I cannot see what I’m typing… it’s invisible! So, I apologize for typos! ;)

Anyways, I wanted to say Thank You to those of you who have e-mailed me concerned about where I’ve been. Last week was just a very trying week for me.

Luckily, I AM still employed.. but out of 72 people that also do the same job as me, we lost 19 people. It was very hard seeing friends and co-workers being laid off last week. Very emotionally trying. On one hand, I feel guilty for being happy to still have a job – and I feel confused as to WHY some of those people were laid off, as there really was no “reasoning” given as to how the “chosen ones” were chosen. Very difficult to understand.

Anyways, I am going to come back tonight or tomorrow with hopefully a better post, but since I literally cannot see what I’m typing right now, I’m just going to end with saying, thank you for thinking about me, and thank you for your “good vibes” sent my way last week. I appreciate you guys. :)

Have a fabulous Monday!

xo!
Lindsay

Embracing Reality.

I can’t tell you how many times I have started and restarted this post. I thought maybe I would write it funny. Then I thought maybe I should write it serious. Then I worried about offending people. Then I talked to my sister who said “Elle, you’ve spent two entire posts this week basically apologizing for who you are and how you write. You need to stop doing that and just start writing again.” And I realized she was right. So I scrapped everything I had… and I started this post over again.

So here’s the deal — I’m at an interesting place in this journey, right?

I’m close enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel and excited enough to want to run towards it as hard and fast as I can. And that’s not a bad thing. As I creep up on the lowest numbers I’ve seen on the scale in nearly 10 years, I love to pull out some of my smaller “someday” clothes and try them on. The little black dress is certainly no exception. As a 26-year old who simply adores living in the city, I find myself imagining more and more often the thrill of dressing up and heading out with my girlfriends to a wine bar for an evening of class, pizzazz, good cheese and great adventure. In my previous overweight life, I always had an excuse ready to avoid these types of events because I hated knowing I was the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). Too many times, I was the girl who scooted off to the corner and stared down at the floor  while guys who looked like they’d gone through an entire of box of Crest White Strips in one afternoon shamelessly flirted and flashed their nuclear pearly whites at my friends.

But not anymore. Finally, finally, finally, I’m almost ready to put on that dress (which reminds my of something Audrey Hepburn would have worn in the movie “Sabrina”) and join in on the fun.

Almost.

I say almost for a reason. It’s not because I “don’t love myself.” It’s not because I’m incapable of enjoying the progress I’ve made so far, and it’s not because I’m suffering from a crippling case of low self-esteem.

It is because I don’t want to have to call the Fire Department at the end of the night to bring a Jaws-Of-Life Hydraulic Power Unit to my apartment to extricate me from my dress. Simply put, the thing is still just too small.

Sure, it looks ok in that picture, but can I tell you a secret?

I had to snap that picture three times before I got a shot that didn’t show my panty line. I also had to squish a lot of things in and squish a lot of things down to get that dress zipped up. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to get the silly thing on… but it doesn’t even begin to compare to how overjoyed I was to get the thing off! I could barely breathe. I take that back. I don’t think I did breathe. I think I literally held my breath for the entire 2 minutes I was wearing it.

So that whole “mental thing?” Well, losing weight is a really tricky beast. Your body is changing in a very public way, so people are going to offer you their opinions on it whether you like it or not; and, if you don’t completely agree with everything they have to say, they will more often than not chalk it up to a personality flaw on your part. It doesn’t seem to matter that this is your weight-loss being discussed. They will always be the most supreme experts on how you should be doing it and how you should see yourself.

The fact is, I look better than I did, but I still don’t look great. (This is the “embracing reality” part.) I am proud of the changes I’ve made and of my new less-lumpy, more-curvy figure. It’s wonderful to look in the mirror and feel like an actual human being instead of a misshapen, amorphous blob. But, when I wear that dress out in public for the first time, I want to be 155 pounds. When I was a size 18, I never would have been comfortable in 14s. It would have been way too tight! Likewise, as a current size 12, it makes no sense for me to stuff myself into a size 10. Just because we can do something doesn’t necessarily mean that we should!

Every single one of you out there is on his or her own unique mission to find the sweet spot (weight-wise, not dessert-wise). Enjoy the positive feedback (like you all left me last Thursday!), but don’t let it derail you by tricking you into thinking that what you’ve done so far is “good enough.” You set a goal, didn’t you? Then for Heaven’s sakes, run towards that finish line with everything you’ve got!

In that same vein, take the negative feedback with a grain of salt. People tend to view your story through a lens clouded by the ghosts of their own pasts.

And finally, take time to sift through your own thoughts. I realized as I was struggling to write this post that part of my problem was I felt like I needed to be really emotional and angsty about the whole thing. But I just… wasn’t.

I’m completely ok with not wearing that dress right now. Why? Because that’s a victory for another day. My victory for right now is that for the first time in years, I can leave the house in a hat and a sweatshirt and feel like a normal, attractive girl.

This is more than enough happy for today.

 

And that makes it perfectly fine for the Little Black Dress to wait for “someday.”

 

-Elle

 

Eating breakfast after eating breakfast.

Saturday morning started with a 60 minute gym session. I felt so strong after! I hurried up to shower and get dressed because I had a very important date!

Mary from Fit This, Girl! and I met for brunch at Common Roots in Uptown. Common Roots has great local & organic food! No greasy monster portions in sight.  Just normal, well cooked food.

Mary and I

Scrambled eggs w/ cheese & greens.

Signs of dining with a blogger.

As Mary and I were saying our goodbyes, Carlos mentioned he was just getting up and moving. He said he was going out to breakfast at the Uptown Diner which happened to be about 4 blocks from where I was. I had a few spare minutes and wanted to say good morning so I swung over.

Good morning!

I was still pretty hungry so I ordered more food. I figured my first breakfast was good with the eggs & cheese but wasn’t going to keep me full anyway.

Scrambled egg whites & toast!

I added some peanut butter to my toast and was in heaven! Eggs & toast is my go-to meal. I can eat scrambled eggs & toast alldaylong and be totally content! Anyone else this way with eggs?

After my second breakfast, I ran home to grab Iggy and then headed over to Alexa‘s house. Iggy wanted to play with her puppy, Cooper, while Alexa and I did some serious chatting + shopping at the Mall of America. I ended up getting a couple of new shirts from the Buckle.

Saturday evening, our friends Ryan and Meghan invited Carlos and I to their friends house for game night. Carlos told me it was going to be make-your-own-pizza’s there so although I was starving after getting home from the Mall with Alexa, I decided to wait until we got to our friends house to eat.

It took longer than I thought to drive to where we were going – the place was about 30 minutes south of Ryan & Meghan’s house…and Ryan and Meghan live 30 minutes away from us! When we arrived, guess what?

NO DINNER!

I had about 4 small plates of chips & salsa plus probably about a couple handfuls of chocolate I found in a bowl in the kitchen. Total fail on my part! Luckily, I had puppies to keep me happy!

Smooshy face!

Meghan and I

Carlos and Ryan, singing us a song

I was so hungry I decided not to drink because #1 I was sober cab and #2 I didn’t want to drink my calories at that point. Everyone else had a few drinks and a good time. By the time we dropped Ryan and Meghan off and then got back home, it was 2:30am and I was so tired! I made a PB & Jelly english muffin and dozed off.

Sunday

Sunday started by sleeping in until 8:30am. I got dressed and headed over to dad’s to go through things from storage – it took us about 3 hours which went by pretty quickly. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be but still was pretty hard to be there. Change is hard. {I wish it were that easy to explain.}

I was pretty drained and hungry so swung by Subway to pick up lunch for Carlos and I. We ate and then guess what we did?

Relaxed!

Carlos was upstairs on the over-sized chair so I invited myself to sit down with him and read a magazine while he watched a poker show. Iggy joined us – it was perfect! (And by “read a magazine” I actually mean take a nap!)

Super flash!

This week:

This week will be busy. I have a lot of things I need to get done in blog world as well as some serious gym activity. Carlos and I are going to try to only use 1 car this whole week. We will be turning in my leased car in 3 weeks and are planning on going down to 1 car for a couple of months to save some money. Wish us luck this week!