Mirror Mirror On the Wall, Who’s the Fattest of Them All?

So at this point in my healthiness journey, it seems like this new lifestyle is working out. Most days, I cruise along just fine, eating the food I’ve packed for myself and working in as much exercise as I can at the gym. I’ve lost almost 40 pounds (172 will be the official 40-pound mark), so I’m far enough in that I know I’m not turning back.

But every once in a while, I have those days.

This Saturday was one of them. I think the fact that I have hit a wall at 175 really got to me. My old feelings of doubt started to creep back in. I started to feel ugly and unsatisfied in everything I own. When I looked in the mirror, all I could see was an enormous, shapeless heifer. And it really made me mad. And negative. And bitter.

Nothing in my closet seemed to be good enough for the Christmas party I was supposed to go to that night. My Mom let me borrow a red sweater, and even though it looked fine I still hated myself when I saw my reflection. I sort of had a miniature breakdown. “I don’t get it… it’s like I’ve worked so hard and I STILL LOOK LIKE A LINEBACKER!” I yelled at myself in the mirror. Something in me just cracked. You know what I’m talking about? When you just feel a stab of disheartening pain, like you’ll never, NEVER get to where you want to be?

My Mom immediately came to my side and wrapped her arms around me. “You’ll get there. You ARE getting there. It just takes time.”

If anyone would know, it’s her. She just lost more than 60 pounds herself, and she looks fabulous. She is my weight-loss hero, and somehow, just hearing her acknowledge my frustration without feeding into it was enough to pull me back from the cliff and bring reality back into focus. This is a process, and it’s a hellishly long one. But it will end one day.

So fast forward to Sunday afternoon. My friend and I were out shopping, and I decided to try on a cute apron I found. My friend snapped this picture of me.

Cupcakes... cuter when you wear them on your apron than on your hips.

And that’s when I realized that I have actually made progress. I never, in a million years, thought my body could look so normal in a photo.

So if you’ve had days where you felt like nothing was happening, I’m right there with you. It’s just important to recognize that our feelings lie to us all the time. Our feelings are dumb, and to combat our feelings we have to focus on the truth. The truth is that every day, with every meal and every workout, we are making a difference.

We are going to get there.

Comments

  1. You look awesome!!

  2. Hey Elle –

    Special events are def one of my triggers for putting the self-criticism on warp speed. Congrats on find your reins, you rein-deer hot ass. You’re worth it.

    Happy HoHoHolidays – Kirsten

  3. I think the negativity can rear its ugly head at any time during this journey. I’ve lost as much weight as you and your mother combined and still “the voice” says things like “your thighs are still huge” “look at the hanging skin” “it wont stick”…

    I call that voice Emotionally Fat Tara. I give it an identity so that I can talk directly to her when she crashes this party called life. She is no longer welcome around these parts but she comes anyways. So frustrating and some days more than I can handle.

    We will get there.

    You can bet your cute cupcake ass we’ll get there!

    • Yeah, EFT sucks. I’m not a fan. I am however a fan of 3 letter acronyms, and the way Tara deals with EFT.

      • I love this too. You’re so smart to give it a name Tara. I’m going to be a copycat and do the exact same thing. The next time Emotionally Fat Elle starts voicing her opinion, I will inform her that she needs to sit down and put a cork in it. Thank you for the great idea!

  4. First, you look more like a cheerleader than a linebacker. Really, you look awesome!

    I think it takes a long time for what our brains see/process when we look in the mirror to catch up with reality and what everyone else sees. You are right to catch and counteract your negative self-talk. We can be our own worst enemies.

    P.S. Your mom sounds like she’s an awesome person too!

  5. You look fantastic!!!!!!!! Love the apron!

  6. Yes, I do know those days so very well. I’ve lost quite a lot of weight, and I still feel those feelings. I don’t know if they ever do really go away, b/c all of the sudden they just ‘reappear.’

  7. I had a really tough time breaking out of the 176-178 range. In fact, it took me over 4 weeks of consistent saintly behaviour to do it (over Halloween, no less! Not one piece of candy for this year!). Persistence is key, and you seem to have it under control. It’s an inspiration to read your blog. Keep up the great work! πŸ™‚

  8. I know just how you feel, Elle. I had one of those days yesterday while getting ready for a Christmas party! I’m only down 13 pounds, but I’ve been feeling better lately–thinner and much better looking! And yesterday, I was just looking in my closet trying to find something to wear and I was just like “It doesn’t matter. I’m fat and there is nothing in there to make me look like I’m not.” I started seriously wondering if I had gained back any weight? I didn’t, but I really felt huge and depressed. Thankfully, it seems to have passed today…
    Oh, and if it is any consolation…you LOOK totally normal to me. You don’t look like somebody who is struggling with your weight, I would never know if I saw you on the street. You’re beautiful!
    And thank you for coming by my blog!! It meant a lot!

  9. I had similar thoughts, but let it derail my entire weekend. I vow to stop feeling sorry for myself RIGHT NOW and start kicking butt again.

    You look great! Keep doing what you’re doing.

  10. You look so beautiful!!

  11. Lookin’ good sister! πŸ™‚

    You should e-mail me when you have a chance, I’m not sure if your PFG e-mail is set up yet… so shoot me an e-mail: Lindsay@priorfatgirl.com

    Linds

  12. You look fantastic! And I LOVE that apron!! πŸ™‚

  13. You look fabulous! And what is it about aprons?? I love them too! This one is adorable on you. You are working at a wonderful pace on your weight-loss journey. Keep up a good attitude about it.

  14. First, I agree with everyone else- you look great! Isn’t it funny how we are so critical of ourselves yet more often than not that is not the way others view us. I loved this post so much- I love how you can put into words the very same things I go through. I will refer back to this post often when I am having one of “those” days. Keep on keeping on. You are doing great!

  15. You have such great parents, L! First the dad story, now this! Love it! πŸ™‚

  16. You look fantastic! Your hair is amazing. BTW….I got that same apron as a Christmas gift from my friend Amanda. And I agree cupcakes look better on our aprons than on our hips lol πŸ™‚

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