Yesterday, I mentioned I was going to just work on getting through this weekend and then was gonna start my new eating plan next week.
I have to say this outloud.
I was setting myself up. I was being very deliberate in allowing this weekend to be an excuse as to why I couldn’t start the eating plan now. But I have to say this outloud…to myself. This isn’t about starting with a New Years Resolution. I’m not going to wait until Monday. I’m making the choice to fight NOW.
The past six weeks, my eating has been off. I spend Monday-Thursday making up for the calorie consumption that takes place on Friday-Sunday. Doing things I’ve always said are not health. As in limiting, restricting and denying foods. Which also means limiting, restricting and denying a healthy relationship with food. Such a horrible cycle to be in.
The magic of 1500.
I’m a calorie counter, ya’ll know that. Calories in vs. calories out has ruled my head. Now that I’ve gone back to working out five days a week, I need to be more deliberate in my eating. I need to be more calculated. Because the past six weeks, stuck in this cycle of eating has been horrible. And I refuse to allow it to be my life.
In discussions with my dietitian, she suggested that I increase my calories back up and sustain the same amount of calories consistently, to get out of the cycle. I suggested 1500 and while she was slightly hesitant, she agreed. (She said that 1500 may be too low given my 5 days a week work-out schedule however I am not yet comfortable going higher right away.)
The thought is, is that if I can really allow myself to recognize that eating 1500 calories won’t make me gain weight and that it will keep me full, I can continue to learn to trust myself. (Trust ourselves…so powerful, sounds so easy yet so hard!) The same can be said for those struggling with eating too much — to just set a consistent number to achieve every day, one can hopefully learn the world will not end just because one is eating more purposefully.
Avoidance no more.
Last week, I left my appointment with the intention of being deliberate. Hitting 1500 calories for a week and really just trusting the process. However, I allowed myself to lie…to myself. I told myself I should just start this week since Carlos niece was in town. Today, I initially tried to explain that I was going to wait until next week because I didn’t know how hard this upcoming weekend was going to be. [really. I was totally setting the excuse up.] I had to look my dietitian in the eyes and face the question “Why are you avoiding this Jennifer?”
No more. I left the appointment and called in back-up. I asked my friend, Lindsay, another priorfatgirl to do this with me. To help keep me accountable. To check in.
The details:
1500: Wednesday to Monday, I will track everything I eat and make it my goal to eat 1500 calories. No more, no less. The goal here is to even things out and to get out of the cycle of spending my weekdays trying to makeup for what I did on the weekends.
Pictures: I’ve decided that, for the next five days ONLY, I will take pictures of food and share them with you. This decision did not come lightly. I know there are some out there who struggle with ED and yet others who are hesitant in reading blogs when the author shares pictures of everything they eat. However, I need to step back and allow this blog to be useful for me. And part of that is to really be an additional area of accountability for these next five days. After the five days are complete, I will go back to my normal pictures which only sometimes includes food pictures.
Yoga & Workouts: I mentioned yesterday that while I have time off from work, I want to take advantage of some yoga studios in town and the offer of 7 days free. I’ve checked around and have decided on Core Power Yoga. I will start my week on Thursday and am so excited!
The scale: As I left my appointment yesterday, I felt determined. Determined to not let me convince myself to go back to the way I have been doing things the past six weeks. So, after I sent a text to Lindsay, another priorfatgirl asking her to do this with me, I then sent a text to Carlos and asked him to hide the scale. This is to prove that my weight is fine, that I am fine, that my body will naturally do what it needs to do during these five days.
Fine print: Lindsay, another priorfatgirl agreed to track calories & maintain a consistent calorie goal for the same 5 day period as well as skip her regular Friday weigh-in. It is up to Lindsay, another priorfatgirl what her calorie goal is – 1500 is fine for me but she needs to set her own goal. Everything else (pictures & yoga/workouts) were left out of the conversation with Lindsay because those are personal goals for me.
so…here I go! 1500 calories.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I have to say two things.
1. I am glad that you’re feeding your body more calories. When I was on WW and eating, I think around 1100-1200 I was a moody biotch and hungry all the time. My ‘nights off’ became days..then a full-blown binge disorder. YOU have to fuel your body if you’re exercising and eat those 1,500 calories. The only thing you’re doing is starving yourself and not respecting yourself.
2. (if you never talk to me after this, I understand). When I was in the thick of my life, when I thought that I couldn’t wake up every morning…i got ‘strict’ with my diet. Set up all of these goals, expectations, rules, requirements. Calorie counting is one of them. YOU CAN CONTROL that..and yet I found, in the midst of the emotional crisis of my life, it was the first thing to go. It, the cycle, becomes a distrction to this sh– that you’re trying to avoid. I get the whole idea of calorie counting, I do. I think it serves it’s purpose. But I’d actually challenge you to just be with your emotions this weekend. Not eat your emotions, but be with your emotions. I would gander that this whole idea of being resolute about your calorie counting is a good distraction and ‘focus’ from what you are not wanting to deal with. I GET THAT! Don’t rake yourself over the coals this weekend if things don’t go to plan. Being with yourself and being in the emotions is more important then calorie counting, making sure that you’re being ‘good’, and punshing yourself otherwise.
Jen, I have faith in you. I have faith that you can listen to your body, fuel, exercise, and allow your emotions to be a part of who you are. Hugs all the way around.
I like your plan!
I don’t mind blogs with food pictures on it, in fact I love it. Always love to see what other people are eating and get inspired by it.
I’m starting Friday with taking pics of everything I eat as part of my plan. If people don’t like that, I’m sorry but as you said it’s your and my blog and we do this for ourselves. Sure we share and like support but you can put on your blog whatever you want to.
Although I’m somewhat new to the blogging community, I have been reading yours for awhile. I think this is a great plan. It is a great plan because it is the one you have set for yourself. It has been given a “thumbs-up” by the dietitian and is healthy. Now you can work your plan and pay no attention to what others may say or think. You have a great blog and lots of readers, but you started it to help YOU, so count your calories and post your pictures. We will enjoy following along with your progress.
This is a great plan, Jen, and you know we’ll all be cheering you on! You can do it! *Hugs*
Jen. My lovely, wonderful Jen. We’ve only met once, but you are so close to my heart. Having been in your position before, and now seeing things “from the other side of the coin”, I want so much for you to heal.
I want you to live your life without being scared of food.
I want you to be able to feed your body what it wants without being concerned about how many calories it contains.
I want you to learn how to listen to your cravings, feed them, and feel empowered by that action.
I want you to realize that leading a healthy lifestyle is not about restricting, it’s about flourishing!
I want you to build your life and your world around all things love and trust, not around food and calories and exercise.
I want you to trust yourself the way that all of your loved ones trust you.
When I was going through treatment, one of the first things that I told my therapist is that I wanted to “see myself the same way that everyone else sees me.” I knew that my loved ones found me to be loving, trustworthy, devoted, loyal, capable, responsible, etc. All of the things that they saw in me, I couldn’t yet see in myself. I was very successful in all other areas of my life, but somehow I did not recognize that I possessed all of these qualities. Most importantly, I didn’t TRUST myself to know what I needed.
How much longer do you plan to count your calories in/calories out? Can you imagine yourself as a 50 year old woman, logging food and calories and exercise (this was a question that Jane asked me early on, and I could NOT imagine myself logging food and calories as a 50 year old)? Is your T talking to you at all about learning your hunger and full cues, and listening to your body (i.e…intuitive eating)? If not, I would begin a discussion about this with her. I know that this is a long process, and you don’t want to rush yourself, but I am concerned that if you are trying to stick with some arbitrary calorie “goal”, your body just won’t be getting what it needs.
You’re training for a 1/2 marathon, sista. Your body is going to need you to listen to it, take care of it, and feed it what it NEEDS…not what your mind (and eating disorder) wants you to THINK it needs.
Love you.
amen
You know how much I appreciate your comments??!! Well I do!
That said, if I knew how to eat intuitively, I wouldn’t have eaten my way to 240lbs. I can’t wait until I am at a point in my journey when I don’t have to count calories. When I can live without patronizing food and can spend every ounce of my energy on loving life, not counting calories. I’ve got 28 years of an unhealthy relationship with food that I’m trying to correct—I wish is was as simple as just not counting calories. I know you get that, I know you’ve been there. I look up to you as someone who has been there, done that and can now give me advice on my own journey.
My first goal in therapy is to learn how to trust myself around food. Part of that means being aware of the signals my body is giving me (full, hungry, sick, etc). The first part of this goal is to normalize my eating from day to day…hence the idea behind eating consistently for 5 days. Once I get through this 5 days, I will re-evaluate things with my dietitian & therapist. I dread the fact that I can’t just wake up and eat intuitively. I cringe at the thought that this will take one small step at a time. But I’m dedicated to fight until I get there.
I just have to say, that I love you & Michelle (and everyone else) for being a voice of reason amongst my chaos! Your comments help me reflect on my own journey and help keep my eyes on the goal!
“I dread the fact that I can’t just wake up and eat intuitively. I cringe at the thought that this will take one small step at a time. But I’m dedicated to fight until I get there.” — never give up on yourself lovely! I still STILL struggle…but it was a fire off in the far distance that kept me going towards a place of light. You’re doing amazing things, and frankly no matter what you decide to do…you know what we support you..cause you’re coming from a place of making yourself better.
Jen, I can so relate to the notion of not trusting myself to eat intuitively. It’s a nightmare I face everyday, and counting calories sometimes feel like the only way to eat reasonably. I support you in this and hope that after time, we can both learn to trust ourselves more.
Oh girl, I know how you feel. Every weekend, I go a little overboard eating whatever I want. And I spend the week trying to get the weekend weight off. I don’t think I’ve ever had a weekend where I ate on plan.
Now, I don’t usually OVEReat on weekends; I’ve learned to stop when I’m full/satisfied, and I usually keep my portions of junk small, but I still don’t make the best choices.
I am glad you are evening out your calorie distribution. I think a lot of people do exactly that, where they restrict so much during the week that the weekend gets out of control. It makes such an emotional roller coaster that isn’t so much fun to ride.
On a side note, don’t apologize for posting pics of your food. Yes, there are people that may be bothered by it, but it’s *your* blog. If you need to post pictures, go ahead!
Congrats to you for starting today and not waiting until next week. I go through this every weekend as well and it’s really pure torture! How many calories were you eating before? I was doing ww for a while and when I decided to up my daily points everyday instead of saving my extra points for weekends, I was much more successful because I was eating enough all of the time instead of eating too little during the week and way too much on the weekends. I did decide to stop counting points and calories at least for the summer and although I am not losing I am maintaning, I think I would do a lot better if I was consistent all of the time and not 70%. I can’t wait to hear how it goes and I love seeing what other people eat so bring on the pics!
I think that upping your calories is a wonderful thing…if you are working out 5 days/week your body definitely needs the fuel. I also just hid my scale this past Monday. I’m still trying to lose…but I realized that I had given the scale way too much power. It had the ability to control if I had a good or a bad day…I didn’t want to give that much power to an inanimate object. I am learning to trust that if I continue with my healthy lifestyle (eating foods that are full of nutrition and exercising regularly) that everything will fall into place.
Loved reading this post Jen and glad that you have a plan. 1500 does seem a bit low to me with all the exercise, but I think you will do great!
I found that once I made my meals around 500 calories each, I am so not hungry for snacks. You can do it! Email me if you need more support!
Good luck!! I just started eating 1500 calories vs. 1200, which is still less than is recommended. I am much less annoyed with myself and eating.
This is so convicting. I am the exact same way. I get careless Friday-Sunday and then I feel guilty and hopeless Monday-Thursday. I need to make a calorie commitment and stick to it.
Good for you Jen! I have done the I’ll start on Monday so many times I can’t even count! It’s about today. I have scaled myself back to one day at a time. I am not looking at the week, just the day. I will not let one day derail everything I am working for. If I have one bad day, it is not going to lead to a bad week!
I hate weekends, well I love them but for some reason they seem to be a time of over indulgence. You are not alone in that.
Please remember we love reading you blog but first and foremost it is for you and just benefits us in the end =)
Hey Jen! I sent Mary an email. I’m signing up for her Boot Camp on Sunday, August 8th.
See you there?
Good for you using this blog for YOU! I will be sure to look at the pictures when I am not near food nor do I have any money in my pocket. LOL!
You’ll do awesome!
~Lisa
~http://www.acceptyourchallenge.com
Hi Jen,
I bought ‘Shape’ magazine. You are an inspiration for me, I regulary read your blog and I like it.
By the way I’m training also for a run, I did a 5 k, I now train for a 10 k.
Have a nice day.
Just got a copy of SHAPE so I could see your article, congrats!
Sounds like a good starting point. I’m not really trying to lose (maybe a little, but I don’t care how slow it goes), and I’m kind of on the same-ish plan. On off-workout days, it’s 1500 max. On workout days, it’s 1200 + workout calories. Before, it got to the point where I was just STARVING on off days, so I just wanted to workout every day. I decided to give up sweets and my appetite has been more regular – it’s been nice!
I find that it just happens that I consume more on Fri/Sat normally so I just make sure those are pretty major workout days. Nothing motivates me to keep myself in check more than forcing myself to workout hungover, lol.
Good luck! I have faith you can find something that works for you.
Love your plan. I struggle with trusting myself and NOT obsessing about what I can and can’t eat. It looks like you are on a great path with this plan. I look forward to watching you succeed!!
I think this is your blog and you need to use it however it fits you best. If that means taking pictures, so be it.
It sounds like you have a great plan. I actually started tracking my calories on Monday too. My goal is around 1500. I honestly don’t know if I will EVER be able to have a “normal” relationship with food. I am so scared of re-gaining the weight, and counting calories makes me feel in control of the situation…
I Love your blog! I just found it! I’m soo soo glad too..great to hear someone who is normal in their eating woes, habits&workout woes & habits…thanks for putting your life out there!
Welcome Casey! Glad you found my journey and look forward to hearing more from you. This whole healthiness thing is flippin’ tough but I’ll keep fighting…
Love your blog! Congrats on the weight loss, I’m a calorie counter too, and I love it.
1,500 is a Lot of food, if you eat good food. You don’t eat a lot of filling veggies, that might be a good idea? The pretzels, chips and high sodium starches (crackers and etc) make your body retain sodium and water and definitely don’t hlp weight loss.
Better quality of food can only help your running too.
I know you’ll reach all your goals soon!
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