Carlos isn’t home. Or when she’s away
from her desk. It happens when I’m
not on instant messenger, blogger,
twitter or facebook. It happens when
I’m all alone, by myself, no ones around.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve struggled with my eating. Way more than I did for the first 2 years of my weight loss. And now, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve had 5-6 food meltdowns. Like “quick, lemme eat when no one is looking” kind of meltdown. I’m talking 5 or 6 times I have binged and consumed 500-1200 calories, sometimes more (which in actuality, isn’t that much for a binge but I’m calling them red flags anyways). I have pretended that if I don’t acknowledge it here on the blog, that it doesn’t happen. But as of yesterday afternoon, I’ve realized I do not want to live like this. I cannot live like this.
I can only compare these moments to a druggie trying to get their next fix. It’s like nothing else in the world matters until I’ve finished. There is no way to distract myself, no way to refocus my energies. Why? Because there is no time. Its like a glaze of ooooze seeps over my mind and alters my entire reason for living. There is no room left to distract myself. In fact, it seems only in retrospect that I feel like its a temporary lapse in brain function all together. Like I’ve just gone insane for that moment in time.
Sure, I may be finally at a healthy weight and some of you think I’ve figured it out. But in no way am I mentally at a healthy spot. In fact, I am surprised at how much I’m struggling right now. I really truly thought that once I lost weight, I would finally have a handle on my eating. Here I am at a healthy weight and I’m struggling so much more than I did when I was fat.
I wonder……if its associated with the fact that I recently decided to eat vegetarian and now I’m feeling “limited” in my food choices which is why I’m “rebelling” on other foods. In reality, eating vegetarian is not “limited” but in fact has opened my eyes to so many other foods I’ve never even considered or thought of.
I wonder……if its associated with that time of the month. I’ve been super sensitive to everything around me, reacting in a very emotional way. Eating in a very emotional way. Maybe this will all go away next week, I’ll bounce back and I have now just posted a very vulnerable post for nothing.
I wonder…
….if this problem has always been there but is now just coming to light after I’ve finally lost the weight. Maybe I’ve struggled with this problem and in fact me being overweight was a side effect or warning sign in itself.
I wonder…
…if I feel like I lost control of my life when I wasn’t able to control my mom’s death followed by the fact that her death changed major figures in my life which made me feel even more not.in.control. Maybe my eating becoming a source of “control” for me. And since I can only control my eating for so long I lose control and that’s when the binges occur.
I share this with you my friends because this is my journey. You can advice, criticize, give support or leave anonymous attacks via comments all you want but this is my journey. I’ve always tried to be very honest with you about how hard being healthy really is and while there have been some events (specifically in the past 6 months regarding my family life) which I have had to leave out, I have always been very honest with how these events have impacted my eating & working out.
I have reached out for help from a couple of different options and although I haven’t settled on who, what & where, I am making a verbal decree that today, I am no longer wishing to do this on my own.
Ending on a positive
Well, since I’ve turned this into a long enough post, I’m not going to check in on weekend plans but I do wanna let you know that you MUST come back on Monday because I promise a MEGA giveaway you won’t wanna miss! IT’S HUGE!
{ 1 trackback }