Lately, I find myself consumed with thoughts – thoughts I haven’t had in 2+ years. I mentioned one of them yesterday, the thought that if no one sees me eat something, it doesn’t count.
I know it sounds silly. It sounds silly for me to say it out loud, that I really honestly have that thought. And, when I’m in the “middle” of one of these thinking episodes, it really isn’t even a conscious thought. It’s actually more like me telling myself to eat it quick before someone sees. And then I proceed to inhale whatever is around me before anyone sees. It may not be a lot of food but its the same action, the same sad thought process. And then I wipe my mouth & fingers and come out from the kitchen smiling like nothing ever happened. 
I’ve been thinking even more about the seminar I went to this past weekend. While I was very impressed with the speaker & her story of recovery & life, I left with the same feeling of despair I walked in with. Don’t get me wrong, her story and her struggles were so amazing & I’m sure definitely helped some in the audience. But for me, I have a hard time relating the struggle of anorexia to the struggle of emotional eating.
To me, eating means consuming. I struggle with consuming, not the lack of. Before I started my journey to healthiness in August of 2007, I struggled with binge eating. My favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning was wake up around 7 or 8am, run to McDonald’s, get 2 sandwiches and a hash browns, come home & watch t.v. while eating it and then fall back to sleep. Or I would go out to eat with a friend and only finish half my meal but by the time we finished talking and then I dropped her off, I wasn’t full any more so I’d finish the meal in the car on the way home. Before that August of 2007, I ate to be full. If and when I wasn’t full, then I ate.
In August of 2009, these emotions & desires came racing back to me. Maybe because I was filling the void of not having my mom here anymore, I felt an intense desire to just feel full. I have not given in to the desire in such tremendous ways like I did in 2007 but I have given in more then should be okay.
And this is where I am now. Fighting a desire to have this feeling in my stomach demand my attention instead of concentrating on grieving. I cannot deny that I have struggled with this my whole life. This desire for food to fill my stomach instead of concentrating on the real issues that deserve attention.
I refuse to let it win this time. Instead, I will fight. I will stand up and acknowledge what I see is going instead of hanging my head in embarrassment. Because I know I’m not the only one who prefers to have a full tummy vs. dealing with whatever emotional event is taking place. I know I’m okay on this journey as long as I continue to be honest with myself. Honesty with myself is hard. It’s painful to acknowledge I haven’t figured this out yet, that I continue to eat my pain away. But I find comfort, little as it is, in knowing that I can recognize where my actions are hurting me.
For me I just need to take it one decision at a time. This whole journey is suppose to be a learning experience. I never was suppose to just wake up and get it; neither are you. Forever and ever, we will always be learning. I learned how to be healthy in an environment free from traumatic stress. Now I must learn how to be healthy during times of trauma.
Let the fight begin.
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