Since the accident, I realized I was posting a lot of pictures of “what I ate.” I do some of this usually but lately its been more then normal. I did not do this consciously, I just did it. And on Saturday, I started to question why. Was it because there were so many amazing dishes I was trying? Maybe. Was it because food was everywhere? Probably. Was it because I was eating more then just low-cal frozen meals? Definitely.
I’m typing this honesty coming…ready?
On Saturday, I allowed myself to really truly be honest with myself. Man, that’s painful. It’s so hard to do. It’s shameful – until I realize that being honest with myself is where progress starts. How can you grow & develop if you don’t even know where you are?
I was thinking just now as I write this about a comment my mom frequently made – sometimes in a comment on the blog here but also more so in emails to me (and even a few emails to some of you too!). She looked forward to me sharing more of my earlier personal struggles with you, not just my struggles now.
In high school, I struggled a lot with controlling what I ate. I had a disordered way of eating. I had an eating disorder. Anorexia. Bulimia. Binge-eating. Depending on the month, depended on how I controlled it. (Oddly enough, I never did seem to get to a “normal BMI” and in fact I am now at a healthier BMI then I was while struggling with through high school). When I moved out of my parent’s house, I realized that I could eat whatever I wanted to. There was no one there to see what I was or was not eating. This is how I got to my highest weight of 240lbs. I moved out onto my own and began to eat. And I didn’t stop eating until August 2007.
I don’t struggle with anorexia right now. I don’t struggle with bulimia. But I do think I still struggle. I do still struggle with trying to figure out what normal is. I’ve never had a normal relationship with food. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to just eat when I’m hungry. I don’t now how to stop eating when I’m not hungry. If you think you have a normal relationship with food, I don’t know how to explain this to you. How can an Eskimo explain what snow is to an Egyptian?
One thing I do know is this – I’m making progress. I have begun to look at what a “normal” relationship is with eating. For 2+ years now, I have forced myself to NOT rely on what appears to be a “quick” way to lose weight. For 2+ years, I have pushed myself outside of my comfort zone to really truly honestly work off my weight with good ol’ fashion sweat and tears.
I mentioned yesterday and above about these revelations I had this past weekend. I am aware. It doesn’t mean I know the answer. I really have no clue what to do next. It may take a month for me to figure it out, it may take 3 years to figure it out. But being aware of my actions, my feelings, why I’m doing things and the deep down REASON means progress. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I will never have the right answer. But as long as I keep trying, that’s what counts. As long as I continue to pick myself up by the bootstraps, I’ll be okay (right Mizfit?!)
As long as you never give up, you will be okay.
As long as we never give up, we will be okay.
