I am numb

I am numb.
I am speechless beyond comprehension.
I am surrounded by family and loved ones yet feel nothing.
I am out of breath but breathing so hard.
I cannot begin to cry the tears deserved.
Memories are the only thing left yet they aren’t enough.
I will never understand.
I will never forget.
I will never stop crying.
I love you mom. I love you.

A little over twelve hours ago, my live was shattered. I lost my best friend, my confidant – I lost my pillar of strength, hope & courage. Forever gone is my coach, my cheerleader, my instructor. I lost my example of faithful, unconditional love, I lost my mom.

A little over twelve hours ago, my mom was hit by a car while on a walk and died on the way to the hospital. There were no goodbye’s. Please keep our family in your thoughts an prayers. Most importantly, please keep my father, who lost his best friend of 32 years in your prayers.


I love you mom!


  1. Take this journey with me says:

    I was reading your blog and when I read your I'm Numb I felt like I was saying those words. I am sorry for your loss, I understand your pain. I lost my sister on her way to work July 2007. It changes everything!

  2. Anonymous says:

    I just found your blog this weekend and just read this entry. I have a lump in my throat and really share in your pain. I lost my grandfather recently and it is really impacting my struggle with weight. You are such an inspiration.

  3. I just found your blog, through JewliaGoulia's place. What a tragic story, and I truly am sorry for your loss. As someone who lost a parent suddenly (and too soon), I can relate to some of your pain. I'm going to add you to my google reader to see how your life has been treating you since this tragedy!

  4. I’m SO sorry! I don’t know what else to say… that is awful!

  5. I am so sorry. :(

  6. Oh Jen, I am so sorry for your loss! I know there are no words I can say right now that will make things better for you, but please know that I am praying for you and your family. My heart breaks for you…

  7. Wow. I am so sorry for your loss, Jen. I was just browsing your blog when I came across your devastating story. My mom is everything to me that you listed your mom to be (best friend, confidante, cheerleader, instructor, etc.) and I believe losing her so abruptly would be my worst nightmare. I don’t really know how I would pick up the pieces. You have extraordinary strength and I’m sure your mom watches you daily overcoming your trials and is SO proud. Just wanted to let you know that your story spoke to me :) God bless you!

  8. Wow, Jen, what a wonderful tribute from a blogging friend AND a tribute to your mom! I’ve never read those articles before but wow. I lost my dad suddenly – no goodbyes either (drowning) and it was tough. ((( hugs ))) Your mom would be proud of you!

  9. Jen, I just recently started my journey of weight loss and blogging. I just read Tony’s post tonight and decided to read your post Numb. I’m so sorry for you loss. I lost my mom on Dec 27,2005 to pancreatic cancer. Your life is forever changed. Please know that I’m praying for you and your family. Thank you for the inspiration you give me everyday!

  10. I know how you feel and I am so sorry for your loss. I took care of my dad while he suffered with alzheimers and I gained over 50 lbs.After he died I was so lost and the weight just packed on. I am now on my way to a healthier me. Robbi

  11. So very sorry. My Mama was diagnosed 8/27/10 with lung cancer & lived only 7 weeks after. She died on 10/15/10 and it is devastating! I can’t imagine your pain but hope that God continues to comfort you.

  12. I know this happened a while ago but I’m only just finding your blog now. And I believe it’s never too late to give someone my condolences.

    I’m so sorry for your tragic loss.

  13. Tracey Wright says:

    sorry for your lost and you are in my prayers.

  14. Lori Harshbarger says:

    I read an article about you in Woman’s Day today and logged on to your blog and just read about your mom. I know your pain. I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was just 21 years old. She was my source of unconditional love and support. I am now 46 and the pain is still just as real at times as it was that day. I have struggled with my weight since, especially after my dad also died 11 years ago. My brief reading of you words has been motivational to me….I hope I am able to do what you have done. God bless you always.

  15. Im so sorry for your loss. I just read your Nimb and I couldnt have said it better myself I just lost my dad and thats how I felt about him. I hope when I feel bad I can remember you and come back and get inspiration, you truely have made my day. keep posting:0)

  16. Britney says:

    I’m a “current fat girl” that promised my terminally ill mother that I’d get healthy. I lost my mom a little over a year ago after a bad reaction to chemo and I never got to say goodbye either. I’ve been working on getting my health back this past year and have committed to losing weight recently. This post broke my heart and made me feel like I am not alone too at the same time. I will be adding your blog to those that I’m currently following for inspiration. :-)

  17. I just learned of your blog from my friend Jolene. REading your story brought tears to my eyes. I, too, lost my mom. She’s been gone over 8 years now but not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. She is in my thoughts all day long. Just know that your mom IS with you every day, she’s watching over you, giving you strength, and loving you. It’s true we don’t have our moms with us physically, but they will always be in our hearts.

  18. Oh, and I’m a current fat girl too. 3 years ago I was at my all-time low adult weight (156). I’m back up to 200. I could just shoot myself for gaining it back but know that someday I will lose it again. I look forward to reading through your blog and getting some inspiration :-)

  19. I read your other part of the blog about your losing weight then clicked on the link about being numb, i am so sorry you have lost your bestfriend, big hugs from a stranger here, i cannot comprehend your emotions.

  20. Jen- I’m so sorry for your loss. I was just browsing your blog today after meeting you on the plane. You are such an inspiring woman and I hope to get to know you better.

  21. I just came across your blog. I’m sorry you had something so terrible happen in your life. I lost my mom in 2009 to cancer. I miss her everyday I know how you miss your mother too.

  22. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard when loved ones are taken away from us, especially when it is sudden and completely unfair. Please know that I am praying for you and your family.

  23. I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for your family.

  24. Lots of hugs, losing a parent is the worse feeling in the world..

  25. Sorry for your loss Jen. I was hit by a car while walking up the street to get my hair cut. The woman was in the suicide lane and turned onto the street I was crossing. She said she never saw me.

    I continue to struggle daily with after effects, injuries and pain, yet I am alive and am thankful. seeing your post makes me value my life even more because I know it could have ended different.

    Tina Flaugher

  26. I remember this story!!! I’m so so sorry that this happened to your family!!!!!

  27. It’s great that you have such a good relationship with your family. Besides your health your family is extremely important.

  28. I have no idea what it would feel like to lose a parent. I felt so sad for you reading this blog. Celebrate the memories you shared with her and keep fighting through another day. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  29. so sorry for your lost, may your mom rip.

  30. Jen – I am sorry to hear of your loss. It’s been a few years but I am sure it never gets less. Thank you for sharing your joys and pains with us.

  31. I am so sorry…i lost my mom 12 years ago this month it never gets easier, you just get better at grinning and smiling.

  32. I was sorry to read about your loss. I lost my mom last year very suddenly. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Far worse even than my husband walking out on me and leaving me alone with 4 kids to raise. My mom was my best friend. I wish you had never had this happen to you. I know it’s been so hard for me but every day God gives me the strength to keep going. Thank you for sharing this!

  33. Velda Wiltz says:

    I too am so sorry to hear about your lost. I know it has been a few years but I would imagine that at times it seems like only yesterday. Thank you for sharing the stories of your weight lost. I am preparing to start my weight lost journey and you have inspired me. Thank you!

  34. Finding your blog today, after feeling fat and desperate, and reading this… I feel terrible for your loss, I can’t imagine. My thoughts are with you today.

  35. I just stumbled upon your blog from Mama Laughlin’s blog, and am from the Coon Rapids. I remember the story of your mother’s death, it was just devastating. I am so, so sorry for your loss

  36. i found your blog looking for a little encouragement this afternoon.. and was blown away at our similar journey. when i suddenly lost my mom at 17 i gained almost 80lbs emotionally eating my turmoil and grief, and have struggled on how to get control of my weight while dealing with a traumatic loss. thanks for being an example of how to do this tough road.

  37. Lost my sweet mother this past March! Your post really spoke to me! Thanks for sharing! Keep up the fantastic work on an amazing blog!

  38. I am so sorry for your loss. I know it’s been a couple years now, but I also know the pain of grief can creep up on you and take you by surprise and it’s like you’re right back there when you first got the news. I lost my son suddenly in the middle of the night. That was 3 years ago and to this day when I’m sleeping and my phone rings I get knots in my stomach immediately. I’ve gain 50 pounds since then — over the already 50 extra pounds I had. I’m now looking for blogs to inspire and maybe give me ideas to start my own. I’m going to read more of your blog. Keep strong!

  39. I’m so sorry for your loss, I came across this article from your other, “The Day My Life Changed”

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  40. Elizabeth L says:

    I have been looking for motivation to lose weight. I lost my mom four months ago unexpectedly, two months before my wedding. It felt like no one would understand. I am now at the biggest I have ever been. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m hoping reading your blog will give me the motivation I need.

  41. I found your blog through Mama Laughlin’s… this post absolutely floored me. My father was murdered in ’98 and I am still fighting everyday to regain all of my emotional and physical health. I know my father is looking down on me and wishing only wonderful things for my life… I’m sure your mother is too.

  42. Marjean McCraw says:

    I just found your blog read your story. I lost my mom in the same exact way. I know the pain, the struggle to keep going on strong. I’m proud you kept going and can continue to find strength in the love you had for each other.

  43. So sorry for your loss.

  44. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad some years ago, and I never accepted it for a long time. I kept pretending it had never happened, and I never acknowledged it emotionally. It took me a long time before I actually broke down and cried bitter tears about having lost someone I loved so much. Great article

  45. I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I just lost my father and am going through a difficult time myself.

  46. I just found your blog, and this story floored me. I have lost my mother from cancer and my father from a heart attack. My father did pass away from a heart attack but had had 3 heart attacks prior to this one.
    I can’t imagine how tough that would be to lose one of your parents that suddenly. I have read several of your post and you are a trooper! God bless!

  47. Wow, I just read your “I am numb” I’m so sorry for your loss. What a horrible thing to happen, to think her sweet grandchild was with her. I’m sure the pain never goes away. I know we don’t know one another, but I send you BIG hugs..
    I came across your blog looking for inspiration to help me lose weight, it’s fabulous!! Keep up the good work!!! I’m looking forward to reading your journey. Btw you are very pretty!! ( sometimes it’s just nice to hear it, if even from a total stranger )

    Thanks for your blog….

  48. When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a
    comment is added I get four emails with the same comment.
    Is there any way you can remove people from that service?

  49. Awwmm :( A few weeks back I was driving home from work at 6 am and I saw another car, driving about 60 mph, plow into a guy riding his bike. I hear of this sort of stuff happening so often, I rarely need to remind myself to be super careful when walking – I don’t take it for granted that others will be driving safely – and, of course, accidents will always happen. I’m sorry x


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