I am not okay.

Ok, calm down – I really am okay but I’m on the flip side, I’m not okay in a very let-me-be-honest with myself kind of tone. I’ll get to that in a minute but first things first, if you skipped yesterday’s blog post, POO ON YOU! You better make sure to go back and check out the giveaway!

Also, I owe a super public apology to Lynn who won the first giveaway and DID email me her address. In the craziness of everything that happened around that time, I misplaced her email. Lynn, I am sorry but I got you covered okay? I’ll send you a little sumthin’ sumthin ASAP! Love you Lynn! My mistake, ya’ll win – I’m going to honor both giveaways! YIPEE!

Yesterday, I mentioned I had a revelation this past weekend. As you know, my whole world came crashing to a painful halt on
July 31st when my mom passed away. Since then, I have been zombie-like. True. If you’ve seen me, I’ve probably smiled at you and thanked you ever so politely for your condolences but in fact, it was just the shell of me. Sad huh? Yep, that’s what grieving feels like.

I’ve maintained some sort of regular posting around here, my mom loved this blog, she loved all of you so, she loved the community that takes place, so it was the least I could do. Ya’ll have been no pressure and just continued to support me to take it one step at a time, to do what I could do and nothing more (thank you for that!).

Here’s the revelation…on Saturday, I got up and ran a bazillion errands. Surprising myself, I started to really do some good ol’ soul searching as it relates to my healthy habits and how I drop kicked them to the curb. So many of you have encouraged me to just not worry and to let myself go through this grieving process but here’s what I get stuck on.

Since when does grieving = eating like sh*t?
Since when does grieving = a “right” to not be healthy?
Since when does grieving = a “free-pass” to eat whatever I want?

This morning, I woke up at 149lbs. That is 10lbs heavier then I was that horrible July 31st. BUT…let me just stop here to say:


Nope, I really could care less what that flippin’ little number says I weight – because my priorities were thrown up in the area that

Friday afternoon, July 31st and I realized the number means nothing when you’re forced to live the rest of your life without a mom. Nope, I don’t care about the numbers on the scale.

What I do care about is my health. And if my habits right now means gaining weight and if gaining weight means unhealthy habits, then I need to fix my habits. You see, my revelation this weekend was that the weight gain is just a symptom it’s not the problem. Weight gain gives me a little clue that something is going on, that something isn’t right.

So in that breath I am saying something is not right – I am not okay (you still with me?!) I am not freaking out about the pounds but I need to regain control of my healthy lifestyle – within reason. I know I need to be conscious of the fact that life dealt a pretty low blow on that Friday afternoon, July 31st but I also do not think that gives me a free pass do throw everything I’ve learned out the window. That is, my guess, how many people regain weight after a large weight loss – they aren’t able to regain control after an emotional crisis.

I’m confidant my friends, this is just a step in my journey – my little revelation here is something I am suppose to learn how to get through. I am aware that as much as I thought, that on August 1st after I made my goal I would just move into figuring out maintenance, that it was not my destiny to do that–not yet anyways. I have mentioned this many times before–we are all here for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. It doesn’t make it any easier, any less painful, doesn’t make it seem right, but I am here for a reason.

I have a “kind – of” action plan set in place which includes reading a book called Life is Hard, Food is Easy and attending an Emotional Eating seminar in September (who wants to come with? Click here for details).

Now here’s what I have yet to figure out: I still feel like drowning my feelings in food – how do I stop myself from doing this? I still dread the thought of being active at all. Not just working out, but all I want to do is go to my parents house and be with family.

So – I will end today with one final thought. I am aware of the fact that I may not know the exact steps to take and how to regain full control of my eating & healthy lifestyle but admitting it is the first step.

Oh…and I have one more thing that is very important about this revelation but this post is already getting long so that will wait until tomorrow – ha! Suspense (see, I can do the suspense thing too Syl!)

Love ya’ll – thanks for being here for me on my journey!

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