My letters to fellow gym members…
To the wanna-be-bodybuilder: Why is your neck so big? Do you realize it is the size of my thigh? Trust me, that is NOT a good thing which is why I am at the gym…do you know how big my thighs are? And those pants you’ve been rockin’ since 1980′s…well, they don’t do you justice. Actually, I think M.C. Hammer use to wear those…yeah, he’s not around anymore. Oh, and do you really think you should be attempting to lift all that weight? I have never seen blood vessels on someones forehead wiggle like that so much – watch out, you don’t want it to burst all over your zubaz pants! Maybe the grunting you do is a hint that its too much weight; I don’t know, just a thought.
Dear Ms. Size 0, makeup wearing, hair sprayed, 18 year old: Do you really think you need to use the treadmill next to mine to do your 8.9mph “run” (if that’s what you call it, cause it sure as hell ain’t a “jog” or “sprint”). You know, I bet if you put on a leopard leotard and “ran” through a zoo, you could fit right in with the cheetahs…they run that fast too! Out of all 25 treadmills, 21 of which are empty, why do you have to always pick the one next to me? Is it because I am motivation for you? You don’t want to look like me, so by standing next to me, you run faster? I swear…one more time and I will stick my foot out and trip you. It would have happened last time, but I had to concentrate on my 5.4mph pace so as to not land on my butt in front of that hotty mctotty on the elliptical machine behind us.
Dear Front Desk Associate: Please stop asking me if I’m all right when I am leaving the gym. I can barely walk let alone have the umph to stop and talk to you. I understand that I look like I was took a shower fully clothed; I know my hair is dripping wet with sweat. I am completely aware that I look as though I have been holding my breath for 45 minutes (I was actually sucking in my stomach because hotty mctotty was walking past). But just know that as long as I make it to my car I’ll be alright. I’m just trying to make it to the car, please lord, let me make it to my car.
Dear Mrs. Cell Phone/Treadmill User: I understand that you are a very important person. I am so happy that you found 30 minutes in your day to stop and get some exercise. God bless you for being healthy and taking care of yourself. I hope that Jenna, who I heard you talking to yesterday made it to her doctors appointment because that rash sounded severely annoying! Also, tell Mike that he should give his wife a break and let her have a night off. And you should confront your boss on his negative remarks – he needs to stop taking all the credit for your work. Yes Mrs. Cell Phone/Treadmill lady, your life is SSSSOOO interesting, I can’t wait to hear what happens tonight!
wow…that was actually pretty therapeutic to type all that out – I feel great! Okay, so who do you want to write a letter to at the gym? Post it here, maybe they will read it!
When you receive motivation & inspiration from me, pay it forward.