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PriorFatGirl is a community of writers who share their healthiness journey with you, our friends. Currently, posts on the main page are written by Liz who is fighting through her healthiness journey (and winning!) You can read other priorfatgirl journeys by clicking on the “Other priorfatgirl’s” drop down from the top menu.

Through the ups and downs of life, the scale, and emotions, we share our stories as a form of therapy for us, and as a way to help remove stigmas associated with trying to live up to social expectations of being perfect. We will not ever promise to be perfect, but we will promise to share candidly our journeys of learning how to be healthy in an unhealthy world, sugar coating not included.

 

On Math and Anxiety

There is a fun “proof” for math that goes around every once in a while.  I’ve seen it pop up on Facebook and before that in some of my math classes.  It is a classic that uses basic algebra to “prove” that 2=1.  The real challenge is finding the reason that the proof is false because on the surface it seems simple and elegant.  See?

picture-4I won’t give away the answer, though you can find it online.  I will say that the issue lies between line 4 and 5.

I got to thinking about this math problem because I have been having a rough week – food-wise at least.  More specifically I have been HUNGRY all the time and I made some mistakes early on in the week and now am completely off the rails (and hiding from the train in the bushes).  I’ve had celebrations and plenty of “excuses” to splurge and have been doing so with abandon.  This is no one’s fault but my own.

Often I start the day making good choices and tracking only to have it all go to heck at dinner.

It has been a bad week and I struggled for days to figure out why.  Life right now is good.  Work is good.  Family is good.  E1 loves school.  The family likes having the routine back.  The weather is lovely.  Things are good.

I had an epiphany tonight though – the hunger I am feeling, I think it isn’t hunger at all but anxiety.  A deep and guttural anxious feeling that sets me off-balance and on edge.  I don’t know that I recognized it at first, but as I think about it, the more it makes sense.  It explains why eating doesn’t seem to solve the hunger issue (because it isn’t hunger).  It explains the weakness I am having surrounding my ability to make good choices for me.

I have the lovely thing called GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder – which basically means that anything or nothing might be a trigger for me.  I don’t have specific anxieties necessarily, though some make more common appearances.  Also sometimes I can be anxious for no reason whatsoever.  Fun stuff.

So what does this have to with math?  I was thinking about anxiety and the way my mind works.  When I look at the proof above at first glance it seems to make complete sense.  Deep down I KNOW that it cannot be right but I am hard pressed to see the error in it.  So is my thinking when I am anxious.  The stuff I worry about is often so unlikely that deep down I KNOW that it will not happen, but I am still hard pressed to see the error in my thinking that life will certainly happen as I envision it.

In addition, the fool-proof method to stop an anxious feeling (in my case food) is something that I KNOW deep down doesn’t work, but in the midst of anxiety it is the only option that makes any sense to stop the feeling of panic bubbling in my gut.

There is something powerful in figuring that out.  However I still feel the churning of my anxiety.  I cannot quite guess the cause, though there may be a few options around as triggers and hormones are likely also playing a roll. Still, the longer I stay in this anxiety the harder it is to break out of it.  I hope that a realization, a blog post and a good night’s sleep will help.  If not it might call for a med check or for me to find a new therapist.

(Therapy often causes me anxiety though – talking to strangers about my problems and all the ways that I am broken in PERSON?  No thanks.  Online with my “friends” here – completely different.  See above for the part where I said that my anxious brain doesn’t always make logical sense of things.)

I am not looking forward to Wednesday’s weigh in, but at least I have two days for damage control and to get a handle on what has me all aflutter.  And even if I gain weight, even if have anxiety, even if I am a broken and fragile person, even then – I am loved and I am worthy of love.  And that is really what matters.

Why should you come to FitBloggin this year?

Here is why!  Be sure to check it out as a certain blogger you know (and love?) makes a few appearances with the adorable E2.  The also have quite a bit of my voice on there too which you might not know if you don’t know me already but is quite odd from my perspective.  Makes me wonder if I should ever do a vlog?

Anyway, check it out and start saving for Fitbloggin ’15

Weigh In Week 35

I was shocked to discover that it has been a week since I blogged.  I hate it when that happens because it often keeps me from keeping myself in check.  Luckily this week it had little to do with being on track/or not with my healthy goals but much more to do with how busy life has been.  I worked a lot up until Sunday – including 3 hours on Saturday which I prefer to avoid if possible.  I also had a rare date night on Monday night to the Twins game.  Add to that the fact that the whole house has colds and isn’t sleeping very well, I just haven’t had the time and energy to open the computer too.

Still, as I said, I was on track this week with my food.  In fact I made some really good choices throughout the week and it showed.

-1.4 Pounds

82.2 lbs Lost on WW to date

It is a good result, especially since it is my third loss in a row (I always expect my body to have an adjustment gain along the way).  More importantly than the number on the scale this week I had some victories that I want to remember from the week.  The first came at date night on Monday.  Mr. Goat and I went to the Twins game.  Normally this is an excuse to eat overpriced food by the barrel.  I managed my points for the day and left plenty of weeklies on hand too just in case.  When I went I had a single bratwurst (the expensive one from the local handmade deli) with fried onions.  Mr. Goat and I also split some nachos grande later on.  That was all I had for the nine innings – no beer, no malt cups or fries or additional hot dogs.  When I tracked all that I ate for the day I only used 2 weekly points from the allotted amount.  Homerun for me (the Twins lost though).

Plus, aren’t we cute?

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Yesterday was another victory.  I had to go to Costco for work, which means samples.  For the first time ever I tracked my samples (1 pp per sample was my estimate).  Most of the samples were healthier snack things but rather than ignore those BLT (Bites, Licks and Tastes) I tracked them instead and kept myself accountable.  I am sure that tracking them yesterday kept me from eating too much last night and helped me stay on track for a loss.

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What I like about both of these NSV is that they show that I am not using everyday life as an excuse for not tracking or ignoring my goals for a bit.  Instead I am able to live life fully AND lose weight.  It is a cool feeling.

This week at the meeting we were talking about how do we know that we will make it to goal.  It was an interesting meeting and motivating to hear from people who have reached goal and maintained it.  I still have a long way to go and there are days I am not certain I will get to goal, or at least to a specific goal weight.   However, I believe that I can continue to lose weight and that at some point goal will be a reality for me.  In many ways it is too far away to imagine fully, but the empowering part for me is knowing that I have the CHOICE to get there.

We work with choices with E1 – if he chooses x (to misbehave) then there are y consequences, if he chooses a (to listen) then there are certain things we can do instead (b).  The choice is his.  LIkewise the choice for what I eat, and how I view food, and what I track is my own, but likewise there are consequences and rewards for the choices I make.

Even though goal seems almost impossible I know it is possible because I am making the choice everyday to move toward it.  And I have 82.2 examples that I have the strength to make the good choices.

ww week 35 graph