PriorFatGirl is a community of writers who share their healthiness journey with you, our friends. Currently, posts on the main page are written by Liz who is fighting through her healthiness journey (and winning!) You can read other priorfatgirl journeys by clicking on the “Other priorfatgirl’s” drop down from the top menu.

Through the ups and downs of life, the scale, and emotions, we share our stories as a form of therapy for us, and as a way to help remove stigmas associated with trying to live up to social expectations of being perfect. We will not ever promise to be perfect, but we will promise to share candidly our journeys of learning how to be healthy in an unhealthy world, sugar coating not included.


Weigh In Week 48

I have been still struggling but in the last two days have made some important changes toward getting back in the game.  I wish I had realized earlier that this wasn’t quite a “I want to eat bad food” type mistake but that it had a more serious trigger.  I think my sleep deprivation made it that much harder to realize how far I was sliding with depression symptoms (are you tired? yeah duh!)  Once I was able to put some of my struggles and symptoms together I was able to get a better plan in place.

So I am going to try to keep this on the positive side of what I am doing.  Because it is better for me to focus on the things I am doing, rather than the struggles I am still having.

1.  I called my psychiatrist yesterday.  I got a prescription for a light box and talked about increasing/adding a med.  I am going to try the box first.  I still need to get it, I am pretty sure insurance won’t cover it since I don’t have SAD documented for three consecutive winters.  In which case I will have to find something cheaper than the $350 one he recommends.  He did say that so long as it is 10,000 lux it is ok.  I will do more research on that tomorrow.  (My psych was also kind of rude about the whole thing and I may be looking for a new one, but that is another story).

2. I got back to tracking, both my water and my food choices.  I have put together some healthy options at work for snacks and made good choices today especially.  I turned down a free muffin and bagel!

3. I got moving.  I played tag with the kids at my church program tonight.  I parked farther away during my errands, which I ran at lunch hour to maximize my sunshine time today as well.

4. I went to weigh in and listened and participated.  I didn’t sulk, but I did face facts.  These were this week’s facts:

+3.4 lbs

84.6 lost on WW to date

Not good of course, but I faced the music and I own my mistakes.  I feel like I should have caught on that things were inordinately hard before I did, but sometimes things seem obvious to everyone except the one living it.

5. I participated in #wwchat tonight and got some support and motivation from fellow online friends who follow Weight Watchers.  It was good to have their inspiration and support.  It was also good to think about the goals I have and how far I have come in the last year.

There is some power and control that comes from being able to name the problem again.  And the fact that the sun was out today helped too I am sure.  I will need to dig in to turn the ship around and to attend to my mental and physical health over the next days and weeks especially.  We are still a long way from a lot of light during the days.

It might seems strange that a week with a gain can be hopeful, but I am more hopeful today than I was earlier this week or last week.  Naming something takes away some of its power.  Ultimately I am in control, even when my head tries to tell me otherwise.  I am going to take charge of all I can right now and work on getting my head clearer.

Thank you for all the comments and support so far.  It is good to know that I am not alone.

The sun will come out tomorrow…

It had better.

The sun hasn’t been out (or I haven’t seen it) in over a week in MN.  It is gray, foggy and the ceiling is so low we’ve had air quality warnings.  Not only that but we are days away from the shortest day of the year.

I’ve always had a hunch that I suffered from Seasonal Affect Disorder and I am starting to realize that I have some major symptoms of SAD going on right now.  Combined with the sleep deprivation and it is no wonder that I am struggling with keeping my choices in check.  If my life has taught me anything is that depression does not help me when it comes to weight loss.

So what are my options?  A few things come to mind right away.

1.  Keep trying to make good choices with food – 23 good hours with one hour of bad choices is still better than a whole day where I give up.

2.  Find time to spend outdoors.  I didn’t leave the office from 11am until 8pm tonight.  (of course it was so grey it might not have mattered).  Go for a quick walk around the block even if it is raining, snowing or cold.

3.  Call my psychologist/psychiatrist and see what he recommends.  It may be we need to revisit a dosage or maybe there is a light box prescription I could get, or maybe I can up my vitamin D.

4.  Practice forgiveness.  With depression comes a lot of negative self-talk and it is debilitating sometimes.  I know I am struggling but it is even more important for me to know that I am a worthy and awesome person right now.

5.  Surround myself with good options, that way even if I eat too much it is nutritious.

6. Snuggle with the kids.

7. Read a book, for fun.  Play Christmas music.  Have a dance party with the kids.

8. Go to bed early as I can.

Thank you for the thoughts, comments and advice yesterday.  I want point out a few things. 1. Weight Watchers has a heavy emphasis on nutrition, it isn’t all about eating anything you want.  2. When I am struggling it is because I am off plan, not because the plan itself is broken.  3. For me right now, WW is a good option.  It may not always be the case, but I know that it works for me when I am in the head space to follow it.

This whole journey is about health.  Weight is a part of it, but so is my mental health.  Right now my mental health needs a bit of upkeep so that I can stay focused on the physical parts.

The struggle

How do you write about struggling without making excuses or whining?  I don’t know.  I don’t know why but things have been HARD lately.  I track consistently for most of the time, but I get to a day or a meal and I become embarrassed about what I eat and I try to ignore it.  Or I just put all my weekly points toward it leaving me with no cushion for the rest of the week.

Despite having lost 100+ lbs in the last year I am doubtful of my ability to do this.  I keep expecting it to be easier, that suddenly my body will be in sync with food.  That suddenly cookies won’t be a siren song for me (Oh Christmas cookies why must you be everywhere).

I am embarrassed too; embarrassed over my desire to still stuff my face.  Embarrassed how social events still cause me to hover over the buffet table.  Embarrassed how people comment how well I am doing when I feel so far apart from doing “well” at this thing called weight loss.

At 100 lbs lost I feel like I should have some insight to keep me going but right now I am finding myself coming up short.  My willpower is stretched, I feel pressures to celebrate the season, but to not eat, but to not insult a hostess but to track but not to feel guilty but I should feel guilty.  My mind hits circular thinking and I feel stuck.  And yet I feel a deep desire to not let this into my thinking about the realities of the person I am, but it is hard not to feel like I am deficient in some fundamental way.

And through it all I still think about food all the time.  When I doing well I am thinking about food.  When I am doing poorly I am still thinking about food.  Is there ever a time when i can just NOT have to think about it.  The thinking seems to drive me crazy.  Good choices, bad choices, always about food.

Plus the lack of working out makes my head even more fuzzy.  I KNOW I need to find the time to do it, even if it is early morning or late at night by myself in the basement.  I know this and I feel a deep need for it, but not deeper than my need to sleep.

I am in a hard stretch.  I don’t know if it is the holidays, the sleep strikes of an adorable E2, the pressures of getting things ready for Christmas or what, but it is all hard.  I don’t know how to keep on doing this day in and day out.  I keep trying and some days seem fine and other ones seem hopeless.

How do you write about struggling without sounding pathetic?  I am not sure you do, because I feel pathetic.  This should not be SO HARD, and yet it is.  It’s the hardest things I’ve ever done.