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PriorFatGirl is a community of writers who share their healthiness journey with you, our friends. Currently, posts on the main page are written by Liz who is fighting through her healthiness journey (and winning!) You can read other priorfatgirl journeys by clicking on the “Other priorfatgirl’s” drop down from the top menu.

Through the ups and downs of life, the scale, and emotions, we share our stories as a form of therapy for us, and as a way to help remove stigmas associated with trying to live up to social expectations of being perfect. We will not ever promise to be perfect, but we will promise to share candidly our journeys of learning how to be healthy in an unhealthy world, sugar coating not included.

 

On Worth and Progress

Sometimes it takes a negative person to help you realize how absurd the voices in your head are.

When someone says something out loud about your weight, (or your worth, or your parenting, or your political views, or your faith, or your kindness, or whatever it is) it can be a catalyst to realize just how wrong they are.

When I hear criticism I either head one of two directions – either it confirms my worst fears or it makes me want to answer back and show them how wrong they are.

For weeks the criticism I have been facing is my own.  The louder the voice the harder it is to do the most basic tasks. (Get out of bed?  Not without an act of Congress).  The harder it is to do basic tasks, the more shame I feel, the more shame the more it fuels the voice that tells me that I am worthless.

Ironically it takes someone outside myself to help me see that this is absurd.  Someone who says the exact same things as the voice in my head…

But from someone else the words make me pause and want to fight back.

I am not worthless because I struggle with depression sometimes.

I am not worthless because I suffer from anxiety.

I am not worthless because I have fat, or am larger than average, or I have gained weight.

I am not worthless.

Period.

And neither are you.

***

So much of the world is judgement – judging others often out of our own fear of failure.  No one has it all together and anyone who says they do is selling something.  We all have fears and doubts, struggles and challenges.  There are days when every adult feels like they are just “pretending” to be a competent adult while everyone else has it all put together.

Mental illnesses are not “normal” of course, and treatment should (and is) be sought.  But we should be bold in normalizing the experience that we all share – the experience of wondering if we are enough, just as we are.  And when we deny that people struggle and suffer we also prevent people from seeking help.  There is nothing so isolating as feeling as though you are the only one in the world who is having a hard time.  And there is nothing so healing as realizing you are not alone.

I am not fixed, but I am having more glimpses of a more stable me.  I am able to get through more tasks in the day.  Some days are good and productive, especially this weekend when I could be with friends and family and take some of the stress out of life.  Food has been a struggle still but one thing at a time.  Today I did have the strength to step on the scale and so far for the day I’ve tracked my food.  That is something to celebrate.

I celebrate the things I can get done right now because it is one thing that I couldn’t manage yesterday or the day before.  And I am grateful for all the friends I have, here and elsewhere who are present to remind me that I am amazing in a host of ways.

***

The fight goes on, but I have a second wind (and a host of appointments to help me).

If you are out there in a similar spot, believe me, you are not alone.  We are not alone, it just feels that way.

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Source

Now what?

Truth time.  I am lost.

I’m gaining weight at a ridiculous speed, turning to food to get me through the day.  It is like my brain is reverting to only two coping mechanisms – sleep and food.  Given that my sleep is limited by work and family I am turning to food.

None of my self-talk is good.  I recognize it is bad and unhealthy and instead being kinder to myself my brain say, “Great, another way you are messing everything up”

I went to a new/old place to consider therapy around food, depression, binge eating etc.  The nice thing is that they think they can help me, but the bad thing is it is still a few more weeks until I get seen for actual help.  They’ll be able to handle my psychiatry stuff too which means I don’t have to go back to Mr. Mean Psych who berates me on the phone.  I took that step, but that is about I’ll I can manage.

I haven’t being to weigh in, I cannot face what I know is the truth – my weight is nutty.  But the truth is I feel it in the way my clothes fit, and the way my body feels.

I have enough presence of mind to know this period is not normal and I need to work actively to get better, but it takes so much energy just to get out of bed and do the things that need doing for work, for the family, for the bills etc.

So if you wonder where I am, this is where.

Is it nap time yet?

Root Menu

breathe

cuddle

breathe

feel

focus

work

eat

sleep

breathe

slowly i face myself

not with shame

but in forgiveness

depression lies

truth sets us free

breathe

be

be still

be still and know

be still and know that I am

“be still and know that I am God”

be still and know that I am

be still and know

be still

be

breathe

forgive

love

live

return.