PriorFatGirl is a community of writers who share their healthiness journey with you, our friends. Currently, posts on the main page are written by Liz who is fighting through her healthiness journey (and winning!) You can read other priorfatgirl journeys by clicking on the “Other priorfatgirl’s” drop down from the top menu.

Through the ups and downs of life, the scale, and emotions, we share our stories as a form of therapy for us, and as a way to help remove stigmas associated with trying to live up to social expectations of being perfect. We will not ever promise to be perfect, but we will promise to share candidly our journeys of learning how to be healthy in an unhealthy world, sugar coating not included.


Plan Progress

So it has been a week since I’ve announced the need for a new plan, so how have things been going you may wonder…

Well, my husband’s grandma died, my daughter turned two and now has a cold,…. (2015, quit being so mean).

Despite a crazy week, I have definitely taken strides to get my act together.  I must have misled people for all the worried comments thinking I was going to take a moment simply thinking about acting rather than acting and actively experimenting with things all month long to try to find a good plan to settle into.

So here is what I’ve been up to.

  • I made an appointment with a nearby obesity and weight management clinic.  While I’ve been dealing with the mental, I’ve always just done general practice medicine and perhaps it is time just to make sure all the necessary labs and things are in a row.  This doesn’t mean I’m going to go on phen-phen or have weight loss surgery next week, but I’m going to add some more professionals to my team.
  • I saw my therapist and had a long conversation about my struggles with my current weight and body image.  She is on board with my trying to lose weight while continuing our Binge Eating treatment.
  • I saw my psychiatrist and we made a few tweaks to things.  More importantly he listened to what was going on and what might be some good steps for us and even gave me a weight management referral that he often works with.
  • I made chili and cornbread from scratch (normally Mr. Goat does most of the cooking) and ate the leftovers for several of my late work night dinners.  While perhaps not the most healthy meal ever it beat driving thru on the way home!
  • I’ve started making better choices at meals again.  I’m being sure to have a veggie at lunch and dinner every meal.  I’m not snacking much and if I do I have something with some carbs and protein.  I’ve avoided the majority of my kids Halloween candy.
  • I’ve only had two pieces total of my daughter’s birthday cake – for me this major is progress.  I don’t feel like I need any more either.
  • I’m wearing my fitbit and taking a few more laps around the office each day.  I always do better on steps on the weekend when I am running around with the kids than when I am at the office in the week so adding extra steps where I can during the week helps.
  • I’ve been researching keto and whole30 more fully as I wonder if they may be a good fit for me.  I have not started tracking my food yet because honestly I am a bit afraid.  Nor have I stepped on the scale for the same reason, but I see those things coming.

I am by no means perfect.  No doubt you can suggest lots more that I should be doing.  I can suggest lots more things I should be doing, but guilt and shame are easy things to come by and I’m not trying to bring those emotions up.  Rather I am focusing on the progress that I did make this week, and I have made progress.

When you are depressed even calling your doctor can take a day or more of finding the energy and courage to call.  To have a list like this says that I’m more well than I give myself credit for.  If it doesn’t seem like a lot to you then feel grateful that you don’t understand where I am coming from.

So forward I go.  Allons-y

A new plan

I realized something while chatting with PFG Jen online the other day – I need a plan.  Deep at heart I am a planner, or rather, I am an over-planner.  Part of what allows me to roll with the punches is the ability to have thought out a variety of contingency plans in advance to situations so I already can act without having to agonize about a decision in advance.  This is an excellent trait in my career working with kids – I plan things out with lots of flexibility and then can roll with the unpredictability of children’s ministry well.

One of the thing depression robs me of is the ability to plan positively for myself.  It makes it difficult to come up with positive paths and scenarios to improve things because ultimately  my brain is quick to tell me that it is “pointless.”  It isn’t of course, but it feels that way.  I’m lucky, most of the time this doesn’t filter into work, friendship, etc, but it hits the health and wellness plans hard.

For all of the benefits of therapy, dietitians and psychiatrists, I have felt like there is not a plan to get to a place of losing weight again.  I can understand it from a clinical standpoint.  To treat BED they want to make sure I have a healthy relationship with food – and many “diets” don’t encourage that.  There is also a sense that they want my worth and my weight to be separated and dealing with issues with food take time that is hard put a timeline too.

On the other hand, for my depression and anxiety not to mention my physical health, I find myself really desperate to make some weight loss changes NOW.  I feel sick about it, literally sick.  Clothes don’t fit, I am winded and I feel acutely aware of each moment of the weight I’ve gained.  It is hard to tell yourself that weight is a non-issue to loving yourself when it is such a present issue in every other aspect of your life.

So I need a plan.  But what?  I don’t think it is Weight Watchers right now, in this I agree with my team.  But I’m not sure what it IS.  Exercise certainly.  Food changes and portion control.  Whole30?  Keto?  Possible bypass? Just calorie count for a while?  Or simply start tracking and see what happens?

I’m just not sure.  It is strange to know so much about so many programs and weight loss concepts and still feel so lost.

So that is my goal for November – I am going to come up with a plan.  I am going to use November to explore, blog and dream.  I am going to come up with ideas to make me a better me again, in a way that works for me.

Thinking Things Through

I have been wondering if I have anything to say here lately.  Or rather, if I have anything of value to say.  The reality is that I am just managing as best I can.  Things are not good even though nothing specific is “bad” and I am struggling.  I’m having a hard time getting appointments with my therapist too so I’m not really able to address things well.  At this point I’m looking for a new one just so I can get some appointments, but that has a whole new level of stress and anxiety.

In the midst of all of it though is a deep sadness of being back here.  In this large body.  In the achy, out-of-breath, icky-feeling, clothes-not-fitting, place.  Even if I was not already struggling with depression, this would be a bitter pill to swallow.  Combined with my current state of mind and it is nearly defeating.

I want to find success that I have had in the past.  I want to find joy in exercise and health.  I want to be healthy.  But I have fallen down a very large mountain and I am laying at the foot of it looking out with the wind knocked out of me.  I honestly don’t know what path to try up the mountain right now, or where to go.

Everyone you talk to has an answer for obesity.  Most people are more that willing to share it with you, and often do so freely without you even asking.  It is easy to say eat less, or eat only this, or work out this much or whatever, but obesity is a little like racism.  There are obvious causes, and there are systemic causes.  There are overt cases, and cases where unhealthy habits sneak into everyday life in seemingly innocuous ways.  I know many of my causes, and some of my triggers, but I’m still figuring a lot of what makes this my issue.  This is my biggest fault and failing – food.


I wonder if I should run away and hide, like every ounce of me wants to do.  To hide away in shame and be forgotten as a one-time “inspiring” blogger who gained the weight back and disappeared.   A deeper part of me knows that my story doesn’t end here even if this is a really low low.  I don’t know where I am going but I do want to keep trying.

Blogging has felt like something I should be doing and I’ve felt guilty for ignoring it and you, but I didn’t know how to say that “I have failed” and I am going to keep on trying.  But there you have it.